The thin line [Complete]

Chapter 37

Arthit's POV

I shuffled awkwardly from one foot to another while I stood next to Kongpob in the elevator with a creepily wide grin plastered on his face. I stole a quick glance at him and saw him shamelessly staring at me with lust oozing out of his every expression.

"P' I think I just realized something."

Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!

"Wh...what?"

"Recently, you have started calling me Kong a lot more instead of Kongpob."

"No I haven't."

"Yup, you have. I love it. Especially, when you are moaning my name out loud. I can't wait to hear it again. You moaning, that is."

If this wasn't a giant flashing neon sign that he was expecting us to do the hanky panky tonight I don't know what is. Which suddenly sky rocketed my awkwardness to an all-time high. Not that I blame him for his train of thought though.

He was horny. I was horny. I came looking for him specifically to lower said horniness level. But all said and done it was well past three in the morning, both of us looked like zombified raccoons who desperately needed sleep. And yeah ofcourse, let's not forget that I had just freaking discovered I was madly in love with him.

How do I simply go and sleep with him now with that giant thought bouncing around in my head. Maybe I should tell him? Everybody likes hearing their partner is in love with them right? Or maybe it is too soon. What if I freak him out? Then there won't be any sex to be had or a boyfriend. Or maybe I should just shut up for now, suck it up and get tonight over with before I can come back home and stress out over my new gigantic revelation. But I don't want to just get it over with it. It would be our first time together. It should be beautiful, and magical, and special and all that jazz. I have never been in love before. I have never been with another man before. I had never shared something so special with anyone before. Our first time together would be so many firsts for me. And how was I supposed to do any of it justice when I was freaking out about my feelings.

"Ummm P'Arthit do you need to pee?"

"What? No. No, why do you ask?"

"You keep bouncing over your feet like you are really uncomfortable."

"Uh..., no...uh...I am fine. Thanks."

He looked at me with a slight frown, finally noticing my fairly pained expression as his smile began receding in size.

"Do you by any chance not want to....you know... It's ok if you don't. I don't want to push you for anything."

"No, no, no. That's not it. I want to, but..."

"But?"

"I..uh...I am a little tired. It's just been a really long day and I....ummm... yeah..."

"Oh.."

I could clearly see the disappointment marring his features as the excitement present only a few seconds ago began disappearing. I desperately wanted to bring back the smile on his face, but I also didn't want to lie to him that I was ready. I was very much ready physically, not so much emotionally. Maybe if I could just spend some time sorting out my thoughts I wouldn't be freaking out internally so bad. But before that he needed to stop giving me the look that made me feel like I had been kicking puppies all day.

"How about I come by your place tomorrow morning? We can go for breakfast or something."

He only wordlessly nodded, his disappointment very apparent as he lowered his gaze and stood by me silently. I was about to open my mouth to try and pacify him again when the elevator dinged, catching me off guard, indicating we had arrived at my floor.

"So...ummm...bye Kong. I will see you tomorrow ok?"

"Goodnight P'."

His voice was so low I could physically feel the pinch to my heart. But upset or not I just needed to sort myself out before I went and did something stupid all over again. What if during my next orgasm I propose marriage to him too? He already has a unique way of messing up my rational thought, and there is no way I was sleeping with him for the first time while my brain was so distracted.

And yet when the elevator doors shut with him still looking down, his gaze averted from mine, I immediately felt hollow. Like a part of me had left with him. And every passing second the feeling just kept getting worse. He was literally one floor above me. I was going to see him again, probably in a few short hours. I would see him smile and greet me and call me his boyfriend. I was in the most ideal position to be in for a person who just realized they were in love. I was already dating the man for heaven's sake. We were more than ready to rip off each other's clothes in someone else's house. This was the best news I could have ever gotten. I love my boyfriend! That's good right?

But then why the fuck did I have so many conflicting emotions run through my head and none of them seemed extremely positive. What if he didn't return my feelings? Or that I freaked him out by confessing too soon. I still don't really know what Nat did to mess up so bad. What if I repeat the same mistake. I am already consumed with jealousy around 70% of the time when it comes to Kong, somehow I have the feeling my dial is going to surpass the maximum capacity from now on.

And let's not forget the giant issue of us sleeping together. Sex itself was generally a pretty big deal for me. I didn't sleep around and I took it seriously, no matter how transitional those relations turned out to be. Add to that the fact that I will be sleeping with a man for the first time. Scratch that. Sleeping with the man I was in love with. This is a huge fucking deal people! What if I absolutely sucked in the bedroom department? What if I could never satisfy him? Or he got bored with me? Or didn't want to put up with my extreme hot and cold behavior all the time. Or my constant ordering him around became too much for him to take. Or....or....

Ugghhh! I hate falling in love. How the fuck did my life get so complicated in just an instant? One second I am having the best time of my life, can't wait to have mind blowing sex just I have been imagining the entire freaking day, and next second I am freaking out about performance issues.

And finally I think it is time to address the gigantic hole that is firmly taking hold in the center of my chest. The fact that I was the reason that his smile disappeared. That I chase him and then push him away. And I do it repeatedly. That I am so conflicted about my own emotions when it comes to him all the time that I don't really spare a thought as to what he must be feeling about it. I specifically hunted him down tonight with full intentions of making him mine and he was more than willing to surrender and then I simply turned around and rejected him. I didn't even give an explanation. What explanation could I give him anyway? That I just figured out I was head over heels for him. That it was my first time being in love. And that I have no freaking idea what that means.

Still, it took every last bit of will power I had to not march up to his apartment and beg him to grace me with his cheeky grin again.

Tomorrow. I will make it up to him tomorrow. Until then I did everything I possibly could to distract myself while continuously agonizing over how to navigate this new found pain in the butt I had just discovered.

After about an hour of tossing and turning around in my bed uselessly I gave up even trying to settle my brain. I think I might as well just accept that being in love with Kong will come up a tsunami of new emotions that I will slowly have to figure out how to deal with. Perhaps a drive on a silent street in the wee hours of the night would quiet my agitation. So I grabbed my keys and wallet. Didn't even bother changing out of my pajamas and threw open the front door to find Kong pacing up and down in front of it.

"Kong?"

"P'? Are you going somewhere?"

"I...uh...what are you doing here?"

"Waiting for breakfast."