Jinmin SF|OS

서른다섯

Nail biting
I tried to shove positivity down my throat in hopes that I would be better

All I could hear was the sound of my breathing and my heart thumping wildly against my chest. Every breath I take induces tears to well up in my eyes. I bit on my nail and shut my eyes tightly when my hands started to shake. I bit down too hard and broke a nail , a crimson shade starting to seep through the nail bed.

It's hard to breathe , I thought.

I took a shaky inhale , calming myself down , thinking of nothing but positive thoughts to cheer me up. But they weren't effective enough. I tried to reach out to people , hoping that their words would heal me , encourage me , protect me till I was ready to fend for myself again , but to no avail , it just made me feel weaker.

Maybe it's me , I thought , applying pressure to the finger that was bleeding , praying that it would stop.

Tears were running down my cheeks and I felt like hurling out the contents of my stomach from yesterday. My breathing became faster and shallow , my mouth went dry and my tongue felt like sandpaper. The edges of my vision started to blur and it was harder to keep my eyes open.

Maybe I should just give in , I thought , sinking deeper into the mattress.

A continuous high-pitched sound rang in my ear , the sound of the whirring fan getting muddy before dying down.

I'm not strong enough on my own.

The memories of the members flashed before my eyes , remembering all the laughs they had , all the tears they shed , and how they'd come to me for a little fix-me-up. I wish I was still that person. I wish I wasn't so weak. I used to be full of positivity , I was their source of comfort whenever they got too tired facing the real world. I was the ear that listened to them , the hand that held them through everything , I was their voice of reason when they were lost in the chaos.

But now I'm here , weeping pathetically all on my own , scrambling to pick up the pieces that I broke. The sound of the doorknob turning fished me out of my thoughts , hands furiously wiping my eyes.

No , not now.

"Hyung ?" a disembodied voice called out. The door made a soft click as it was shut , the side of my bed dipping down. A hand was placed on my head , fingers lightly going through the strands of my hair,"hyung."

Clearing my throat , I spoke up,"ah , Jiminie , hyung is ugly. Hyung will freshen up first and will get to you soon after so just hold on , okay ?"

I gently brushed his hand away as I sat up , covering my face with the sleeves of the hoodie , the younger male pulled me back down , wrapping an arm around my torso,"let me take care of you."

Feigning a laugh , I mumbled,"I'm okay."

"You don't have to go through your troubles alone , you can allow yourself to be a little bit selfish." He assured me , his breath tickling my ear. Jimin took my hand and pressed a soft kiss on my knuckles before rubbing his thumb over it,"I've got you , hyung. I'll help you until you can stand by yourself again , but always know that I'm always ready to catch you when you fall."

I broke into a sob , wails spilling out of my mouth as a waterfall ran from my eyes. I clutched onto his shirt tightly , as if I was depending my whole life onto it,"I'm not stro–ng enough , Jimin-ah.." I whispered , my voice breaking mid-sentence.

Jimin made shushing noises , rubbing my back and pressing soft kisses onto my temples,"you can take your time , I don't mind. I'll always be holding your hand throughout , like how you held mine."

Silence filled the air between us as I concentrated on his breathing , moving my head against his chest to hear his heartbeat. It was at that moment when desperation kicked in , tears not coming to a stop.

"Kiss me please." I begged , looking up at him.

Jimin looked at me with shock before his gaze softened , biting his lip,"hyung— we shouldn't– not when you're like this."

"Please."

Jimin's heartbeat began to race as his gaze flickered from my eyes to my lips , unconsciously licking his own. His hand caressed my cheek before holding my chin and tilting it upwards , bringing our lips together. Eyes closed , I focused on his soft kisses , the world drowning out. His lips brewed butterflies in my stomach , it gave me a sense of comfort that I can't get anywhere else. His hands , soft and delicate like his kisses , made me feel secure.

Everything felt right in this moment.

Slowly pulling away , he smiled and wiped my tear-stricken cheeks , giving me a peck on the forehead before wrapping me in his arms,"I love you , hyung."

-
[ a/n ];
This is what happens when you listen to mono for the whole day , you produce an angsty sad fluffy drabble.

Okay to be honest the first part of the drabble was from my diary ( I have a pretty bad case of nail-biting) , I was having my emo hours and it seemed too good to keep it to myself so.... ta-da ??

When I'm usually at my lowest , I crave affection to snap me out of it but since i'm hopelessly single I use my daydreaming to get me through (not healthy for me btw) I had to look at resources on how it felt like to be kissed and it honestly wasn't really helpful , they kept saying how wet it was and it just sounds so ugly ._. So I just made up what I think kissing felt like :)