Jinmin SF|OS

서른아홉

Leave (please stay)
"I need it to be pink , you just don't get me."

A hand was placed on the small of his back before it slid up and began to rub in circles. The blonde took a shaky inhale as he leaned onto the touch , swallowing hard and closing his eyes. He released a deep breath and his hand was suddenly held , his palm getting warmer.

"Let's talk about it."

Seokjin could only look out onto the view , chewing his cheek,"Jimin.. I—I don't—"

"You can't just push me away without telling me the reason why , Seokjin. I love you and you know that , I'll just keep coming back." Jimin reasoned , pulling the blonde's head to rest on his small shoulder.

Seokjin felt the need to be surrounded by pink after having a terrible episode that dragged on for weeks , he didn't know why , his mind immediately soothed whenever he saw pink. It irritated the fact that he was being mistaken for liking pink , it wasn't like that , he just needed the color to keep him floating above the water.

The blonde tried to experiment with other colors but he found out that pink worked the best. Not just any pink , it has to be either light pink , blush pink or peachy pink— frilly and dainty things caught his attention too , his apartment slowly being redecorated along with his closet.

Jimin has noticed this change but didn't bother questioning his lover , a color has no gender anyways , so why ask ?

As long as Seokjin was happy , he was happy.

Jimin knew that Seokjin didn't like pink so he tried to give him gifts that were of different colors but the blonde always received it with a panicked look and the items were always stashed away in the store room. He asked his lover once ,"why do you keep them away ?"

"I'm— preserving it.." Seokjin made up , his voice full of uncertainty.

The shorter male turned a blind eye to it and bought shades of pink instead to avoid the gifts from going to waste.

Now at their third anniversary , he thought of giving Seokjin a baby blue sweater but the reaction he got wasn't the one he was expecting.

"I need it to be pink , you just don't get me." Seokjin whispered , his voice quiet as his grip started to get tighter on the clothing. His eyes were beginning to turn glassy and he was already sniffling.

Jimin was confused ,"w-what do you mean ? Do you actually like pink after all these years ?"

"No ! I don't like pink , you know that ! I—just—just leave , please , I don't want to fight." Seokjin uttered , his voice cracking and breath hitching.

"I'm not leaving , angel."

"Leave !" The taller male cried , silent tears streaming down his cheeks.

The sweater fell to the floor as Seokjin covered his face with his hands , body trembling as he suppressed his wails. Once he heard the door click shut , he immediately went to it , reaching a hand for the doorknob but quickly withdrawing as if it was hot.

He ruffled his hair in frustration , slightly pulling and digging his nails onto his own scalp,"I-I didn't mean for you to leave—,"he shouted , hoping that the raven would hear him ,"—please stay !"

A wail left his lips as his knees buckled , falling to the ground with a thud.

He was starting to itch.

Seokjin started clawing at his skin out of fear , he wouldn't stop scratching until he saw his skin turning into a shade of pink ; the same pink that calmed him down whenever his mind was in a frenzy. The blonde was so absorbed on scratching that he didn't hear the door open , Jimin entering and hurriedly grabbing his lover's hands , lacing their fingers.

"Let's get you some fresh air , hm , love ? I'll support you." Jimin said softly , bringing the taller male up on his feet and leading him to their balcony.

Silence filled the air between them , Jimin giving him space before finally putting his hand on the small of Seokjin's back and giving reassuring touches and pats.

"Before I met you , I was a wreck— it was so , so , so bad. I needed Namjoon and Yoongi to bathe me , feed me , bring me out for sunlight— it was embarrassing." Seokjin started , fingers fumbling around as he spoke.

"It was the longest episode I've had , it lasted for weeks and I really thought I was going to die , a storm cloud was constantly hanging on my shoulder and I was ready to end it all. It was until the guys brought me out to shop and we came across this disgustingly pink shop—," he continued , not looking at his lover ,"—I ended up falling in love right away. The pink hues in the shop made me calm , and I definitely felt better wearing and owning pink items."

"But why ?" Jimin asked , lightly squeezing Seokjin's hand.

The blonde had a painful smile on his face,"I-I figured that .. if I surround myself with beautiful , pretty things , I'd become beautiful and pretty from the inside out too—that it would take away all the ugly , nasty thoughts and voices."

-
[ a/n ];
I wasn't intentionally planning to post this on Taehyung's birthday but this drabble just popped up in my head and ... yeah.

Have this drabble in which Seokjin covers himself in pretty things to wash away and keep his mental issues on the down low. Sorry if it's messy , I'm in shambles right now and it's hard to think clearly , at least I'm taking baby steps !

Also , I overuse this alot but scratching and hair pulling would always be a tendency in my writing as I associate it with pain , it's based on my personal experience so if you find it weird I'm really sorry :/ I don't have the guts to write any other form of self mutilation because I don't want it to become a trigger.