Jinmin SF|OS

스물 여섯

Daydream
"It's nicer to be in my head."

Fingers snapping at him , he was finally brought out of his daze,"I'm sorry , what ?"

"Seokjin hyung , are you really okay ?" Namjoon asked , voice dripping with concern. The brunette thought about it for a moment, if he denied about feeling well he'll be sent to his room , right ? Liking the idea , he feigned a dizzy head by pressing onto his temples,"no , not really."

Sighing , the leader nodded his head,"you should rest while you can because we're practicing tomorrow."

The brunette stood up and his body moved on its own as his consciousness was slipping into a different reality. Closing the door to his shared room , a smile was placed on his lips as he slipped into bed , cuddling the bolster. Arms snaked around his waist and pulled him in , the feeling of plump lips on his nape prominent,「babe , are you okay ?」

Seokjin tried his best to turn around , looking at the raven smiling at him. A soft hand was placed on his cheek,「babe ?」

"I just missed you." Seokjin replied in his head , nuzzling the raven. As if he heard it , Jimin chuckled and ran his hand through the brunette's strands , pulling him in closer and hugging him tightly,「if you wanted a cuddle session you could have just asked me.」

This was nice , Seokjin thought. He heaved a deep breath and let it out slowly , relaxing his muscles and closing his eyes. An hour of silence in the room with nothing but the brunette's breathing made him tear up , tears seeping through his closed eyelids. A knock at the door made him immediately wipe his eyes , sniffling his runny nose.

"Hyung ?" A headless voice asked.

Oh no.

The brunette uncovered his head and looked at the door to find Jimin leaning his torso in the room through the gap he created , holding onto the doorknob. Seokjin was lying down in between two bolsters and his teardrops were on his pillowcase,"yes , Jimin ?"

"Hyung are y— were— were you crying ?" The raven asked , looking at the brunette's slightly reddened eyes. Seokjin bit his lip , why now of all times ? Clearing his throat , he tried to think of a possible reason,"uh— my head was killing me .. so I just .."

Concerned for his hyung , Jimin sat beside the elder and placed his palm on his forehead , checking to see if Seokjin had fever. Not feeling anything bad , he retracted his hand back and had a worrisome look on his face,"do you want me to follow you to a doctor ? Or do you need to talk ? I'm here for you Jin hyung."

Seokjin shook his head,"it's okay Jimin , maybe sleep would help me."

The raven nodded , even though he knew something was really wrong. Prodding into the matter might make Seokjin have a huge outburst and he didn't want any of that , he doesn't want his hyung to fight with him , especially when he's feeling bad. Jimin stroked the brunette's head before exiting the room , looking one last time before finally closing the door behind him. Seokjin sighed and covered himself again , tears running freely from his eyes.

The eldest hyung recently found out he was in love with his dearest dongsaeng and has been finding sweet escape in his head. There's no way Seokjin could confess— and there's no chance that it would really happen so one day he made up a new reality in his head , the one where he and Jimin were together. Thinking it was harmless , he dived into it whenever he was alone but little did he know that he was forming a habit that'll end up into a vicious circle. Daydreaming is one thing but constantly doing it worried his peers as he would just stare into space endlessly and sometimes smile or laugh at himself. Seokjin knows it's unhealthy but he couldn't help himself , he would be instantly transported in his own fantasy at any point of time and when it ends he feels an overwhelming wave of sadness and regret , shoving him to tears when he's in solitary. Seokjin may sound mad but he could still differentiate his reality and what's not. What bugs him is that it's interrupting his ability to function as a normal human being— especially when he's an idol. Fabricating his own universe is both a blessing and a curse , it drove the brunette on the brink of madness yet it gave him the comfort he needed and craved.

When he finally ran out of tears to shed , he wiped his cheeks and rubbed his eyes , simultaneously yawning and stretching his limbs. Pulling the bolsters closer , he sandwiched himself again , imagining being in the raven's arms once more.

Arms rocking him to sleep , a soft , pained smile appeared on his lips as he clutched the fabric of Jimin's shirt. Tears were fighting to escape once again but he bit down on his lip hard , the flesh turning white and he felt a hand caressing his cheek. Opening his eyes , his brows furrowed,"you're not real." he whispered , his voice cracking in between.

「What are you talking about babe ? Of course I am ! I'm here aren't I ?」he responded , wiping away the brunette's tears with his thumb. Seokjin leaned into the touch , his plump lips forming a pout. He knows he's not real , yet , his touch seems to have warmth. Is he finally losing his mind ? Seokjin should know better and surround himself with the people he love but he's only making the other members worried with what's happening to him.

「I'm always here for you , just call me when you need me.」The raven assured , rubbing circles on the elder's back. Seokjin thought hard , is things better like this ? Should he just blatantly put out his feelings to the younger and have the chance of receiving a heartbreak— and worse , deteriorating his relationship with Jimin ?

He shook his head , nuzzling deeper into the warmth.

It's better to have this fake love.

[ a/n ];
- - -
I never thought I'd write about this but oh my god I did it. I recently found out I have maladaptive daydreaming which is basically daydreaming on a whole new unhealthy level. I thought I was just really imaginative as a kid so I brushed it off and I didn't even notice it as I grew older since , hey , I write fanfictions so I gotta keep thinking about plots and that stuff.

I can't control it once I start but I am fully aware that I'm just in my head , there's no specific trigger for it to happen as it can happen anywhere and anytime. It interrupts my normal daily life , I can't concentrate on stuff and it's partly the reason why my studies deteriorate in some years even though I'm mostly an honors student , halfway throughout lectures my mind will start drifting and I want to stop it , I really do but I can't. I don't really have a social life because I have social anxiety , meaning my friend circle is very small so I can't spend much time with them which forces me to stay locked up in solitary. And no , you can't just tell me to stop thinking or daydreaming , it's not that simple.

Maladaptive daydreaming has no known treatment to cure it because they have very little data of it. I wrote this because apparently not many people know of it as well and it gets mixed up with Schizophrenia and Psychosis , which is totally different.

Take care of your mental health everyone , your happiness and well-being is your main priority. If you need help please reach out to people you trust and tell them you're having a hard time and need support. I'm sorry for this but my mental health isn't exactly looking too well right now , but I'll try my best to update since I'm on a break.