What if I was nothing (Tommy Conlon fanfiction)

Part 24

MAY

The truth is, that the trip to Canada helped me in a special way. I spent most of the time in nature, meanwhile my father and Liz were inside the hotel talking to businessmen and managers from all around the world.
I just sat for hours in a parks and watched dogs playing around. One day I went to a small trip and found a local stables with horses. A nice lady allowed me to come inside and I don't know how, suddenly I was sitting on a horse back in saddle taking a ride through a forest. I can't remember sitting on a horse before, but I did everything so automatically, that I didn't even need a help.
She had a litter of puppies in the stable and when I came back, I sat on the ground and they all ran to me and licked my face, bit my hands and tried to tear my shirt. It felt like in heaven. Tommy was right, animals are totally  a very important part of me. When I'm with them, it feels like a part of me, that was missing is back.

We came back and two days later we sat home in the living room. Liz prepared a dinner, my father sat on the sofa, read a book.
"Dad, how about we get a dog?" I suddenly asked him.
"A dog?" he almost exclaimed.
"Yeah, a puppy," I nodded.
"Shani," he looked at me with a strange smirk on his lips. "Do you know why we don't have a dog or a cat?"
"No."
"It's because of you. You always said, that you hate the smell of a dog, that you are disgusted by the thought of having a fur all around your clothes."
"Are you sure?" I asked and the smirk from his face disappeared.
"I am sorry?"
"I am asking, if you are sure, that it is me you're talking about and not you. Because that doesn't sound like me at all."
"Wow, well look at you," he hissed. "Could you tell me, what have I done, to deserve so much ingratitude? I took you to a luxury hotel, let you meet up with many famous influential people and this is what I get? A doubts when it comes to a dog?"
"I don't feel I was ungrateful, to be honest. But it just felt like you are trying to put your ideas inside my head and make me think, that I actually came up with it. I'm sorry, that's how I feel."
"Tsss, would you believe it, Liz? Did you hear, what she said? Unbelievable. You should stop creating nonsenses inside your head and act your age. A puppy? How about spending more time with Peter? Or study more, so you can finally get the job in my company, hmm?"
"Fine," I said angry, "you want me to spend more time with Peter? You know where I will be then," I slammed the doors behind me and left the house.

- Hey, can we meet in the St. Peter's church in like 20 minutes? S.
I send a message and jumped to the car.

"It seems like that trip was a big success," Tommy found me sitting in the church in the corner, staring at the picture of St. Mary with tears in my eyes. He sat next to me and waited.
"My mother is buried here. It felt so unreal, when I woke up in the hospital, my memory stuck in time, when I was 18, 19 maybe and I found out, she's dead. We were never really close, but still... I can't remember her death, I can't remember if I could say goodbye. Did I?"
I looked at Tommy.
"Yes, yes you did. You had a chance to say goodbye," he lied. He knew, that mercyfull lie is sometimes better and it doesn't bring you relief, but at the same time, it doesn't bring more pain.

"Who am I, Tommy? Seriously, who am I? I can't find myself, I don't see my place in this world. Like today... You know.. You may find it stupid, but I asked my father, if we could get a dog. You're smiling, I know you think it's nothing. But listen. He told me, that we have never had a dog, because I have never wanted one. That I hate dog's fur and smell," I started to cry. I couldn't hold tears anymore.
"How come, that when I see a dog walking on the street I immediately look at him? How come I spend more time sitting in a park watching playing dogs, instead of being with my boyfriend? I hate the dog smell? Then how is is possible, that when I was in Canada, I spent hours surrounded by a litter of puppies and I couldn't get enough of their scent. You know, can you imagine? That typical puppy scent, that soft fur they have."
I couldn't speak anymore, I just hid my face with my hands and sobbed quietly.
"Come here," Tommy whispered and he put his arms around me and gently covered me with his embrace.
"Listen to what your heart says. Not me, not your father, you. Listen to what is coming from inside. And go for it, Shani. Don't be afraid to follow your desires. You don't need to ask for permission to be happy, don't you think?"
If somebody watched me in that moment, he might think, that I suffer from narcolepsy. I was awake, vigilant and few seconds earlier, my head dropped down on Tommy's chest and I fell asleep.
"Is there any way, I can help you?" local priest came to Tommy like two hours later.
"She's just resting her eyes, I guess. Things have been tough for her lately," Tommy whispered and carresed me on my head.
"I've been watching you for a while. I don't mean to interrupt. It's just... You two look so peaceful, I saw her crying and then you came, before I was able to ask her, what's wrong. And I felt so blessed to watch how she calmed down in your arms. There is a deep connection between you two, I believe."
"Well, life has been playing with us in a weird way for last months," Tommy sighed and closed his eyes. "We got separated and when we found each other again, she didn't remember me at all. She was in an accident and now she's struggling with finding her own identity."
"But here you are, you having her in your arms. God tests us, all the time. As long as you two have each other and don't give up, everything seems to work as it should."
"Thank you," Tommy opened his eyes and priest left.

I opened my eyes and heard a calm breathing, steady heart beat.

"I fell asleep? How long did I sleep?"
"Almost three hours."
"Wow, well that was unexpected," I said my head still on his chest.
"Hey, Shani. I may not be able to answer all of your question, but how about I show you tomorrow or some other day, why you long for be around dogs so much, hmmm?"