What if I was nothing (Tommy Conlon fanfiction)

Part 26

Ever since I came home from the hospital, I've got two keys and no idea to which doors they fit. I've tried all of them, I even tried a main door to the center for wild animals, when I came there today. Nothing.
Caroline told me, that I am doing good. That I need to follow my instincts, when I am with the pack and I'll be as good as I was before. She even told me today, that they could offer me a job. I come here regularly, I can't even imangine my life without the pack already. And my father? He has no idea, he thinks that I am taking yoga classes.
Follow my instincts, that is what she told me. Follow my heart, that is what Tommy said. I still haven't found a courage to call or write him. Why is it so hard? Is it because of his picture in my wallet? I am confused, to be honest. I couldn't sleep at all last night, I kept writing and deleting a messages for him and I gave it up, when the first sunrays entered our living room through the window.
I decided to go to the center to spend some time with wolves. 

It was a warm beautiful day, full of sun, so I took my favourite dress. It was the only piece of clothes that I remembered from the time before accident and the only one that felt like me. Tommy was right, shirt and tight skirt, that's not me. That was my mother, that's Liz.

I know why. Because in that clothes I feel tamed, but I am not. I want to be wild, do what I want, but why can't I? Why is it so hard?

I am myself, when I am with wolves. They simply don't care, what am I wearing, they just exist with me.
"I will comeagain tomorrow, Mia, okay?" I pet my fury friend and let her go. She ran without turning back, she knew, she understood me, she doesn't feel the need to call me, when I am leaving anymore.

When I got outside, I took a bus and got off in the city.
Follow my instincts, follow my heart. Is it really that simple? Where will my instincts take me, if I just go this way?

So, here I am. Where, you're asking? To be honest, I have no idea. I simply walked through the city, head full of crazy thoughts and I realized, that after maybe like an hour I stopped in front of an apartment house. And even though I can't remember to be here before, if somebody asked me, if I've ever been inside, I'd say yes.

Nervously, I pulled out keys from my hand bag and watched the main doors. Few minutes later and I am still standing here and can't move.
"This is ridiculous, what am I doing?" I shook my head, I put keys back and turned, ready to leave.
"Shani! It's so great to see you! I've been wandering, if you ever come back!" an old lady started to talk to me and I almost fainted.
"You're coming inside? Could you help me with my bags, please?" she asked and without a single word, I entered the building and helped her.
"Thank you, you have a gold heart, sweetie," she smiled at me.
She was closing the door, when I finally opened my mouth.
"Could... Could you tell me, which apartment is mine?"
"So funny," she laughed. "Studio apartment with balcony of course."
She closed the door and I looked at stairs.

Of course, that one key fit to the lock perfectly and I opened the door to the apartment. Short hallway leading to the small kitchen. I went straight to the door, that was open and led to the big bright room. It is modest, nothing fancy, so different from what I know from my home. But still, it feels so homely, so cosy. The whole apartment is smaller than our living room, but still I would move out here immediately.
I've noticed pictures on the shell above the massive brown table.
I took one picture and I had to sit down. I was staring at my face on the picture - smiling, so happy, cheerful, full of love. All my attention tend to a person standing in front of me, holding me in arms, smiling. His face so close to mine, I bet he kissed me few seconds after this picture was taken.
The doors to the apartment suddenly opened and I froze.
"Yes, dad, I will stop by in the afternoon. Okay, yes... Sure, we can watch the game, hmm. Yeah, sure... Saturday? Fine, I'll come. No, no plans... Listen, I just came home from running and I need a shower. See you in the afternoon, okay?"
The other doors got open, closed and the sound of shower echoed from the bathroom.
I slowly stood up. Normally, I would ran away, but I couldn't, not anymore. I need to know, I need to hear. I went to open the window, because I needed a fresh air and sat on the edge of the bed.
What followed seemed like the longest 10 minutes of my life and when the water stopped and doors opened, my heart started to beat like crazy.

Tommy entered the room and he stopped the moment he saw me.
"Shani," he watched me from across the room.
"Which one? Shani, your friend or this Shani?" I showed him the picture. "I mean, this hoodie is clearly too big to be mine and I guess I am not wearing more than underwear under it, hmm? I must say, I am familiar with relationship called friends with benefits, but I guess, this was not our case, right?"
He looked at the picture and then back at me.
"Don't you think... Maybe... Maybe it's time to tell me the truth?" I said softly and swallowed heavily as I tried not to start crying.
"The truth is that I love you. I am a guy who loves you, hopelessly. I left you once and I will regret it for the rest of my life. But at the same time, I will try to win your love back, until you say stop. Because I simply can imagine my life without you being a part of it. Without you, I'm nothing, just walking vessel," Tommy spoke slowly, tears running from his eyes. He wiped them after few seconds and stared into my eyes.
"You see," he said after few minutes. "You have always told me, asked me to be more open, to talk more. Now, I see why. This silence, it's violent," he threw the towel he had around his shoulders on the floor and came to me. "Say something, anything. Tell me to go hell, scream at me, it's okay, I deserve it for not being completely honest with you. Or just talk to me, Shani, what's on your mind?"
He kneeled in front of me, put his hands on my hands. Gently. Such a big hands, so much tenderness. Big guy with an open heart. When I look in his eyes I see whole world, I see myself. Is it the last missimg piece of my soul? Is it the reason, why voices in my head stopped screaming?
I raised one of my hand and touched his forehead. His hair still a little bit wet from shower, I moved my fingers over his skin, caressed it and touched his lips.
People say, that one of the most intense part of the kiss is the moment before your lips connect. The moment when it makes you wonder, how would his lips taste, how long will that kiss last, if you will like it at all.
So, I let all questions to vanish and kissed him.
"Why didn't you say something earlier?" I whispered, my lips still touching his.
"Because I am a big stupid dumbhead," he said and pulled me closer to him and I had to smile.
"Kiss me. Please."

I knew, how this will end. With every kiss, every touch, I felt like I was losing and finding myself at the same time. He kissed me, caressed me with his lips on my neck. His hands moving all over my back, found their way on my hips. When his hand slid from my knee to tighs under my dress, he squeezed my leg. I felt, that he is holding back, that he is trying to control so bad.
"It's okay," I whispered and moved on the bed. He joined me, slowly took my dress off.
"Tommy," I whispered a little bit shaking.
"I'm sorry. Is it too quick? I should stop," he buried his head to the curve of my neck, I felt his hot breath on my skin.
"No, no," I smiled. "It's just... I guess we have done this before, right?"
He raised his head and looked in to my eyes, waiting.
"In my head, it is like for the first time... Ever," I said a little bit nervous.
If he never ever told me, that he loves me again, I wouldn't mind, because the look he gave me in that moment said it all.
"I'll be gentle, my love," he leaned and whispered to my ear.