Deep Monologues

Just Tired

Lately, things have been different. Today was the day I actually laughed and smile and felt like I was having a great time in a while. But it didn't last long. My smile soon dropped into that never ending frown. But you didn't noticed it today or the many other days before that. I don't wanna make you feel like my emotions and how my mood will burden you and everyone else.

I mean, look around us. I feel like things are slipping away once again and I have nothing that could fix that. To me what's the point of me smiling each day to please someone or anybody for the sake of them, when I'll soon disappear right before them. I'll be nothing but yet another memory in someone else's life like I always have been.

I'm just getting tired in general of how I gotta go through the same routine with every person I meet. I started dropping the smile and the cheeriness. I hardly have anything to be happy about and thankful for. Making things harder for me to stay. Not only that it makes things harder for me to socialize with once familiar people I know. Do I want your sympathy? No, I don't. I just don't wanna be tired anymore. But that seems to hard to understand at times.

At times I feel like no one is really helping me. I feel like I'm being more encouraged into doing something that might be regrettable in the end. I know, that sounds selfish and harsh but it's the truth. When I try to be serious about something you guys take it as a light hearted joke but I'm part to blame as well. I guess I don't really address things that well to you.

The more I look at it the very little amount I can see of what I wanna do in the future. It's nothing but pure blackness surrounded by the negative impossible obstacle awaiting me in the world. But that's for different story to be told in another time. Right now, I wanna talk about how I'm slowly giving up my battles and becoming tired each day progressively.

I'm a horrible friend to be frank. I make up false excuses to avoid hanging out, I hide things that shouldn't be hidden, I have lied about what's going on in my day to day life. I guess in reality I don't wanna anyone that I care about to see what's behind the close doors. The scars I bear on my body each have a story awaiting to be told. But yet I refuse to give these scars any attention.

I just wanna go to a place where I don't have to worry about anything. But who am I to say....I'm just too tired. Yea, I'm just...

Tired.