Deep Monologues

Aren't you my Mommy?

As a child I was born innocent and have no idea of how the real world worked.

Lived in apartments that is poorly cared off. Barely any food in the fridge. Hardly any toys to play or friends. But I didn't care, I had my mommy and daddy. Of course daddy be too busy to play since he works at night. But I didn't mind because I love you both.

But......why don't you love me back mommy......

Did I do something wrong to make you hate me? Why don't you look at me with your eyes? Why do you disregard my drawings of us together?

Aren't you happy with me and daddy?

I remember how thin the walls were and I could hear everything. Even you saying that you hate me.....saying that I made you jealous. At that time I didn't know what jealous meant but I loved you regardless.

I remember you crying yourself to sleep when daddy left for work. I went to comfort you but you yelled at my face. Yelled and screamed of how I ruined your life. Some words I didn't understand or know what they meant but you didn't know how much those words hurt. You didn't know how much you scared me. The lady that yelled at me was not my mommy. She was like the scary monsters I see on T.V.

What did I do wrong to make you hate me?

You've been spending a lot of time on the computer lately. You would push me off so you can get on it. You said that it's adult stuff and I wouldn't understand. You were right.....I wouldn't understand at that young age. But I did understand that you would hurt daddy......

You hurt daddy so much that he kicked you and me out of our own home. I've never seen him that mad before.....that hurt. I didn't understand why he did that or why he was mad. We had to stay at a hotel that wasn't too far from daddy. You told me we're going to meet someone that was your friend.

When I met him you told me he was my new daddy. But I didn't want a new daddy. I want my daddy......I want my mommy back. I want the mommy who would make me soup when I'm sick. I want the mommy who would read to me before bed. I want the mommy where she would give me forehead kisses before I leave school!

I want my mommy......I know I may sound a bit selfish but I am growing up. I'm growing up with a stranger who calls herself my mom!

I was in fifth grade when you told me why dad and you split. You said you cheated on him. But......why? Daddy loved you so much. I know it didn't seem a lot from where we lived and how poor we were but his love was enough for me and you......right? You also said you were glad you did cheated on him. You have no idea how many times I replied that in my head. How many times I counted the "I love you's" wondering if they were all lies or truths. Wondering when did this all started. But it didn't matter after that......Because.....you forgot your first child. You forgot about me mommy.

You forgot I even existed in your life. And when you do even remember me it's something I messed up on. You would yell and shout at me for screwing up. Using insults on me. Telling me I'm worthless and pathetic like my father.

I tried everything to make you like me. But no matter how hard I try nothing seemed to impress you.

There was times I thought ending my life. I mean you wouldn't even miss me at all.......right? But......I always had hope that you will. I hoped that you can love me again. Hoped that you would burst through my bedroom door and stop me from hanging myself or cutting myself! Hoped that my mom comes back and everything will be alright holding my tight to her chest as I hear the calm beating sound of your loving heart. Telling me that this is just a terrible nightmare! All I had was hope.

I'm 16 now......I moved out of your house, now I'm living with dad. You don't visit me anymore. You never call me. You never say hi to me! I would see your Facebook status at times seeing that your here around where me and dad lives. I was hoping you would come by and visit me. But......you never did. And I hate you for it! I hate the way you make me wait! I hate the way of how I blame myself for everything! I hate of hard I try to impress you! I hate of how I wasted my life and energy on you! But why.....why do I still love you?

Why do I have so much hope? Hope that you will knock on our door and you would say the three words I've been dreading to hear. Words that had full of meaning. Not only that finally being able to feel the warmth of your hugs. The warmth of your love. To know the actual meaning of a mother's love.

To feel your forehead kisses once more. To see you actually smile at me instead a face that screams out hatred and regret!

But.....my hope is wearing thin. Shedding tears after tears as I go to sleep. Feeling the stress and frustration take over me day by day. Going back and reliving the memories of my past as if I have PTSD.

Do you know what I have to say when people ask me where's your mother? Or who is she? I have to say I grew up without one or I don't know. Do you know how I become envious and jealous of my friends? Just all because they have loving and caring moms. Yes, they aren't the greatest moms out there but at least they were there for their kids and never left them. Never changed on them. Regret having them. Saying you hate them. Forgetting them......now. Thanks to you......I'm afraid.......I'm afraid to become a mom.

Thanks to you.....I don't know how to act like any other normal teenage girl. Thanks to you......I'm afraid to fall in love. Thanks to you........I have no faith in others. Finally but not least......thanks to you......you showed me how the real world works around her.

Aren't you my mommy?.......