Deep Monologues

People

People. The human population. We live on such a small world, but yet there is billions and billions of us living on this small compact planet that is known a ticking time bomb of a home. And yet, out of those billions of people we only encounter a small fraction of those. Family, friends, people on social media who are famous celebrities or You-tubers. It doesn't matter, we are all still human.

But there's one thing that we may have in common. That we all don't like the human population itself. There are disgusting nasty people who makes society or humanity a living hell. We be minding our own business and some jackass of a guy or girl, comes by and rains all over your happiness sunshine of a day.

Due to that, we find comfort for having people like that ruin our wonderful day. Whether it's with loved ones, animals, or friends. We tell them all what happened. We tell them whatever problem we might have. Or how crappy our day was. Or someone to just rant out too. Who do I go to tell my problems? Singlehandedly my friends. I don't tell my family whatever problem or issue I have with them, because it's mainly about them. But with my friends I don't mind telling them.

But I don't think my problems aren't relevant to them. I be telling one of my friends whatever problem I have and it just seems that the words I use to describe or tell this problem of mine vanished into thin air. I wasn't mad that they didn't hear me. But eventually, over some time I did. Amongst my friend someone be telling someone their problem and they actually listen and give advice or help in attempt to lighten up the weight that is that problem. What do I do? I just sit back and be quiet. I tried telling them but I seem to have gone mute when I try to explain it.

So I smiled it off. Laugh, joke, and most importantly show no signs of distress. It works wonderfully. But, it seems to have all fallen down eventually. Something happened between me and amongst my friends that made me distant myself. Because of that I smiled and joked less. Instead when they aren't looking I get panic attacks and severe depression episodes that brings me to this emotionless state. That's almost every single day. But I don't showcase it.

The less I show it, the less they will get worried. Now you must be telling yourself why I do that? It's because I can't trust anyone anymore. I know, sounds stupid. But growing up I learned you can't trust anyone but yourself. When that incident happened I was hurt, severely. I mean, you told this person everything you know about yourself to them and they do something that makes you feel betrayed and hurt. After that incident everything seemed to clear up slowly. Apologies were made and everything seemed to go back to normal, almost.

It's been hard trying to trust anyone that I find close connections with. I try to trust them but the fear of getting hurt and betrayed was something I can't repeat once again. No matter how many times I tried to trust someone I always end up getting hurt. Sometimes I think to myself I maybe harsh on people and society itself. But I look again and it was those people who make me to who I am.

I know they are great people. But crossing that bridge without the other person on the end of it, cutting the damn bridge off is something that sounds frightening. And at times I also question. Are we actually friends if I can't trust any of you? Am I even worth being here? Maybe if I just leave they won't notice. I know I'm the ghost in the group. I'm only noticed when things are wrong in the group that is in my friends or if I have a one and one conversation.

Then there was thoughts. So many thoughts in my head but one always is repeated. If only I wasn't born. Many people say well amongst friends. If you weren't born then we wouldn't have met you. Too me I find that statement silly. If I was not even born my existence will never be part of that memory of yours along with your worry. Why? Because I would have never met you thus making whatever pain or sadness that occurred for my sake never happened. I mean there are millions of people that I don't know who exists and I seem to be fine, almost.

With all of these things are happening that gives me trouble, honestly I'm ready to leave this place. If it's through death or me moving far away to like another country or someplace I'm ready. Whatever emotions or actions I might have right now or in the future I hope it all vanishes. I can't stand dealing with all of these other emotions that I have towards certain people. If it's through hate, love, care, or just pure joy. I just want it gone. Because those feelings make me feel like I'm human almost. I know sounds weird. I've always been by myself no one to give a damn about. So I wouldn't have direct feelings towards anyone, I would just be an empty eyed little girl.

Which is another thing that I am afraid about. The emotions of getting attached to people is something I have not encounter ever in my life. I just wanna go back to being the emotionless quiet freak that I am. That way it's a lot better and easier for everyone. With people they can make you do and feel things. Things you don't think you can imagine feeling after whatever crap of a life you got.

People that are good, give me hope. I don't need that, I never need that because I don't believe it. Hope, happiness, and faith is all just things to say to make a person motivated in life. And the least I need is my head filled with lies and feelings that makes me sympathetic and attached. The longer I attempt to stay away the better I can breath. I know I may sound pathetic and narrow-minded. But would you do anything to protect yourself? After all I've been known to be a soldier in my own battles.

Being amongst people is just qa huge one.