Part 2 of "In The Woods When First We Met"

204. Empty

Seeing Mr. Blythe usually cheered her. But his declining health made her ache with sorrow- he was too good a man, and meant so much to her, that when she and Gilbert decided to leave him to his slumber, she found herself struggling to let go of his limp hand.

When they'd left him and found themselves alone again, they didn't seem to know what to say or do.

"Um..." Anne did not want to leave him. The other day they'd worked together and she meant to reconcile things between them, but found herself unable to. Perhaps today she could.

"I could drive you home, unless you..."

"Maybe we could do the homework together?" she suggested, almost shy.

"Yeah," he said, brightening up. "Yeah."

Gilbert pulled a chair out for her at the kitchen table, and when he got his own, he again sat across from her instead of by her side.

They worked on the math, and then the grammar section they'd been assigned in their readers.

All the while Anne wanted to say something, but kept stopping herself. Here, in this bright kitchen, so near him, the sunlight streaming through the windows giving Gilbert a halo, it felt like too poor a subject.

And the longer she thought about what she needed to say and why she couldn't say it, the more depressed she felt.

"Anne?" Gilbert asked for the second time.

"What?" she said, straightening up, her eyes opening wider.

"I was asking if you're all right?"

"Oh- oh, yes, I'm fine," she lied.

"Good..." he was staring at her. "You just kind of zoned out for a minute, and I was afraid you were-"

Without saying it he called to mind her flashbacks.

"No, nothing like that," she said quietly. "Nothing's wrong."

But she noticed that while she was vacant from this space, he had moved his chair further away from her.

And then she could not bring herself to try to make him understand, not when he seemed not to want to be close to her. But she still had another message to give him, so she decided to share that instead.

Gilbert began again, "I got this one wrong, at first-"

"So, I'm not having a baby." Anne said flatly, interrupting him.

Gilbert looked up in surprise.

All her worry and illness and tears, but she said it so casually?

"You can tell for sure now?" he asked.

"Yep," she said, letting her pencil roll into the open binding of her book.

Her lack of any feeling over it gave Gilbert pause. "Well...that's good news, isn't it?"

Anne sighed. "Yeah, it's great."

Gilbert stared at her for a long moment before he said anything. "You weren't...wanting one...were you?"

"What?" she looked up at him, disgusted. "No! Why would you think that?"

"I don't think that," Gilbert said quickly. Then he said slowly, "I just...I guess I thought you'd be glad? Or at least there'd be relief. You actually seem kinda down about it..."

She thought she was down because Gilbert was moving away from her. But after reflecting on it, he was right- the lack of a baby did nothing for her spirits anymore, either. She found herself thinking dully that somehow it didn't make any difference to her if there was a baby or not - she could not see a future for herself either way, so what did it matter?

"I don't know," she said. "I don't get it either. I should feel happy...but I don't. I don't feel anything. I am...devoid of emotion."

"Devoid, huh?" Gilbert asked. "I wonder why."

Anne shrugged. "I don't know." She picked up her pencil and went back to her assignment.

Gilbert just stared at her.

After she finished- saying nothing else- she looked up at him and said, "I should go."

He took her home.