When you told your story, you were vague. Yet I still understood, because sometimes I did the same thing. Whenever it came to you it was less of what you did say and more of what you didn't. Yet I felt a part of you in me. I now understand why you didn't meet with me. Why would you right? Don't fret over me.
You were the oldest and wisest in a way, no matter how much nonsense (to me at the time) came out your mouth. Almost like the big brother I never had, protecting me from things I weren't supposed to know but did. I still can't imagine how much you loved her, and I probably never will. But you're grown now so don't think about me.
I never truly understood you. I always thought I did, but didn't really until I left. I remember being extremely confused about when you vented to us once. The person before comforted you, and I was behind mentally and emotionally, staring on the sidelines saying nothing of use. Yet I still wonder if you really have some type of d.i.d. or if you were creative. I hope you're fine now, but don't worry about me.
Motherly and sisterly figures better than my own; the real people that taught me the meanings of love and sympathy, things I didn't know existed. You two lit up the room by just being thought of. I've always wanted to be like you were. To make others feel safe no matter what happened on the others' side. I still wonder what I would be like without you two. Probably more miserable than I was. You two are better now, don't waste your time on me.
Three others that left before we grew apart. All came back yet disappeared in the blink of an eye. One couldn't join because of family, one because of health, one because of placement. I still remember your names. At least the ones you told me. Yet I was the one you called 'sisteh.' I was the last one to get the news. I was the one forcing myself to pull allnighters just to see you. I doubt think those three will ever see this, but I wish you're better off without me.
Secondary family, so close, but too far. I know you'll be there for me if I ask, yet I never find the courage to. We were all the same, but different. People trying to find their place in the world. Most of us have grown up. Most of us have found ourselves. I haven't. It's not the last time I'll be left behind. But I have you all to look up to so that one day, maybe I can do something or be somebody. One day I'll have the courage to open your messages and rebind our friendships to what they once were. I'm just sorry that today's not that day.
But one day I will be at your level.
