Its Not Living (If Its Not With You)

²7

2 months later

It was a few days away from Hannah's birthday, and she couldn't be less in the birthday spirit. She had continued putting a smile on her face and brightness in her voice around Clay and Jessica, but when they went home every evening, she'd throw herself onto the bed and stay there for hours, doing nothing but thinking about death or all the shit that had happened to her. Even the therapy of the band music wasn't helping much anymore. It was a safe place, and Clay and Jessica were a safe place, but once she was out of that area, she went black.

At this point, she was just staying alive to please the people who loved her. She was beginning to understand more every day why her aunt did what she did, how she felt, and it terrified her. When she started feeling this way, she'd take long walks to try to clear her head one way or another. A lot of Blues walks ended up happening late at night. She often found herself sitting on a bench, and crying into Blue's neck.

Jessica was going to be throwing a party for the start of the school year and she was going to bring out a cake for Hannah in the middle of it as a surprise. They were bringing her out for a drive and a meal on her birthday out of town, because they had gotten through the whole summer without meeting Bryce or anyone, and they planned to keep it that way on her birthday.

On the morning of her birthday, Hannah slowly opened her eyes and saw Blue beside her. She heard a snicker and she jerked her head to beside her and saw Clay, Jessica and her parents with a small cake and balloons.

"Jesus!", she exclaimed.

"Happy birthday!", they said, handing her the cake and balloons.

She smiled a bit.

"Thanks, guys.", she said softly.

They knew how hard this day was for her. She seemed to relieve that day two years before on every birthday. They wanted to help her have fun on this day, whatever that meant.

Hannah's parents left the room and left her alone with Jessica and Clay. Jessica began to split the cake, making Hannah laugh a bit.

"Cake for breakfast?", she asked with a smile.

"Its your birthday! What else would you have for breakfast?", Jessica said as she handed her a slice.

"I don't know, toast?", Hannah said as she took the plate.

Jessica rolled her eyes.

"Just eat up, kid.", Clay said with a laugh.

They chatted and ate the cake, a chocolate cake with a picture from the music video for Chocolate by The 1975. Clay never missed a beat.

When they were done, Jessica and Clay left the room so that she could get dressed. Jessica pulled Clay further down the hall.

"What is it, Jess?", Clay asked annoyed.

Jessica shushed him.

"I'm worried about her, Clay. She hasn't been herself lately. I mean, did you hear her talking there? She sounded a bit......how do I say this.........dead.", Jessica whispered, struggling on the last word.

"Jess, 2 years ago today, she found her aunt swinging from a bathroom lamp. She's hardly going to be dancing around the house singing songs.", Clay replied.

"Clay, have you been around this summer? On the hottest day of the year, she was wearing sleeves underneath a T-shirt. I thought she was going to die from the heat. On the 4th of July, she didn't even talk that much. And she sounds a lot more stressed these days. How can you not be worried about all this?"

"Because she hates it when we worry. If we started questioning her about what's going on, she wouldn't like it."

"Can we just not think about what she likes and think about what she needs? I like large Monet's hot chocolates, but I don't need them all the time. We need to find out what's wrong before its too late."

Clay let out a sigh. Inside, he knew she was right, but he wanted to give Hannah some space, even though it was showing to not be working.

As he opened his mouth to reply, Hannah came out of her room with the same dress she had worn to the Winter Formal, with a white sleeved shirt underneath it. Clay and Jessica stared at her in awe.

"I know, its too over the top and I look like I'm trying too hard, but I just picked it up. Hope it doesn't say too much of "my aunt is dead 2 years and I'm ready for another miserable birthday".", Hannah said with a forced chuckle.

"You look perfect.", Jessica said.

Hannah cracked a small smile.

They got into the car and they went to a pizza place outside of town. Jessica and Clay had booked a special party table even though it was only the three of them there. They wanted to treat Hannah how she deserved.

After they had their food, they went to Leah's grave. It was the first time Jessica had been here, and like Clay, the first thing she noticed was how young she was.

"Happy 29th birthday, Leah. And happy 17th birthday to myself. Wow. 29 and 17. And 2 years since the worst day of my life. I've had some shitty days since, but nothing can top my 15th birthday in terms of the worst days of my life. So much has happened this year, and it was the only standable one since you left. Well, barely standable, since I still feel the way I did on that day but I have the two best friends in the world. They help me so much but I really miss your words of reassurance. There's nothing like it. I miss you so much every single day. Every day without you is so hard to get through. Even a good day is a bit shitty without you there. If you were still here, you would've been the first person I came out to. You probably would've thrown me a party like you did when I got my period. You were so excited about every little tiny thing in my life and I loved that about you. I loved everything about you. You were the best person in my life and I miss you more every single day. I love you."

Hannah was in tears, and so were Jessica and Clay. They put their arms around her comfortingly. They gave her a kiss on the forehead.

Hannah separated from the embrace and went over to the gravestone and did something she had never done before. She went over to it and kissed it. She put her forehead up against the headstone and muttered something quietly so Clay and Jessica wouldn't hear.

"I think I'll see you again soon."