Thoughts and feelings

Difficult

Difficult is the word that everyone tends to describe me with.
"You're so difficult for no reason."
"Why are you so difficult?'
"i cant have feelings for you because you're so damn difficult."
Honestly i will agree with everyone. Yes i am difficult but that's only because of my past with people and everything i been through. Put yourself in my shoes and go through everything i deal with and then say I'm difficult please. I bet it wouldn't be easy to say it now. But go ahead and put you in my shoes.

Not easy now right?

That's what i thought. I go through and deal with so much lately that its not even funny nor is it healthy for my body and mind.
A girl shouldn't have trust issue that's as high as the sky just because of one guy, because of the family fights and arguments, because of friends, because of everything she tries to do gets backfired and thrown in her face.
I'm difficult because of those things i just listed above. My trust issues are so high that i cant trust anyone and it makes everyone leave me and by them doing that, it makes me hurt and the issues so much worse. I been lied too, used, hurt, abused, sexually assaulted and everyone makes it seem like i shouldn't have any trust issues. They make it seem like i should go on with my life and carry on my days perfectly fine but what does that do for me? Nothing at all. It really just makes things worse and me over think. I didn't choose and pick to be difficult so don't make it seem like i did. Don't get mad at me because i have that problem. Don't get mad when i don't go through with things and DON'T GET MAD WHEN I DON'T TRUST YOU.
My childhood wasn't like everyone else. I didn't have much when i was little. I didn't really have parents there even though they were. I hardly had a mom and dad because they would be doing their own things but they're paying back for that to my brothers and I now. I can honestly say my grandmother and uncle were more parents to me then my own parents were. There would be nights were i went to bed hungry because i wasn't fed or handed dinner or there would be times where i had to forge my parents signatures on a school papers because they wouldn't be around to look at what i needed them to sign. The only time they were actually there was when something bad had happened to me or one of my brothers. I didn't have much of a childhood like you guys did. I didn't have it easy. But my parents are there for me now. I'm greatfull for that and honestly, I'm happy.
I'm difficult because of being used, treated poorly, being hurt, being let down, and being lied too. Don't say i'm difficult if you don't know the full story of my life.
I been through a lot with one guy i'm with and i'm still here trying with him no matter how many times we hurt each other and i know that's not healthy but i just don't give up on someone i care about deeply. Maybe one day i will wake up and see that's its not working out and maybe he'll see that too but for now, we only have each other. He knows way to much about me and i know a lot about him. Yes he hurt me at times but he doesn't mean too and sometimes he does but its only because of a person in our lives. I'm stupid for sticking around and ill admit to that but like i said, i don't give up on someone i care about. Its really hard to give up on that one person and i bet you guys have had that one person or still do that you just cant give up on yet. Maybe one day i will but that's not going to be today. We been through a lot with each other, thick and thin since January on 2018 and yet here we are still together. We fight and argue and sometimes say that we give up but we always find out ways back to each other. We just need some people to leave us alone but we know that's not going to happen.
So don't call me difficult if you really don't know my story and my life. Only a few people can call me difficult and when they do, i will always agree but its something i'm working on.
I promise you that.