Thoughts and feelings

Its for me; not you

There are somethings that shouldn't have happened in life but yet they still do.
There are things that shouldn't happen but there are always reasons to why they do. Some reasons are stupid, selfish, hurtful, playful, or there might no be a reason for what had happened. They just happened because its life and nothing can stop life right? No matter what you try to do or try to make up for what you have done, it will never be the same ever again. So the next time you do something, think of what your doing deep and hard or make sure you're doing it for a good reason because once you do it, there's no turning back.
So far for me, everything i have done, i did it for a reason.
I did it for me.
No one else but for me. I have to work on myself and rebuild what has been broken for awhile now. Honestly, i'm nothing but a damage 19 years old girl living in a city where nothing is perfect. I'm damage and it's affecting other people around me and i don't want that to happen one bit or anymore. I want to see others around me happy, smiling, having fun, laughing instead of worrying about me and trying to fix me for myself or even for them. I want to be the one who is able to fix me, to be able to depend on myself, to find other ways to cope with stress and frustration better than the ways i have been lately.
I HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO FIX ME.
I don't need or want other peoples help in this process. so the things i have done or are doing are for me. That's my reason and if no one likes that then so be it. Its not for anyone but for me and i hope everyone understands that. If i push you away, its not because i don't want you around me anymore, its just the way i cope with things and if i have to push you away to fix myself, know its nothing against you. I just don't want anyone's help in this.
I'm damaged on the inside and on the outside and i don't really need someone to see me like that. No one deserves to see me in my worse state in life and that's right now.
i had my wall down once to a comfortable height to where i can trust people and allow them in without feeling like i'm getting hurt or the fear of them running way once they see how broken down i really am but my wall now, is way too high for a girl at my age. I cant have that right now and the only person that can fix that is ME. I messed up before and now i'm paying for that at the moment and i regret a few things that i have done and im paying for it right now with me being damage.
I just need to learn how to cope with things on my own.
How to depend on myself and not on anyone else.
How to let people in without being afraid of them.
How to love someone like i was never hurt before.
And most importantly, I need to learn how to love myself and not hate myself everyday.
I hope you truly understand.
I have thoughts about what i have done before and i'm owning up to the things i have done to hurt anyone or to mess anything up between us but in my mind, i'm doing this for me. Not YOU.