Thoughts and feelings

The story never ends

My name is Alexis Nicole Keith.
I'm a part time worker, a part time student, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend and a bestfriend.
I have a lot of people who love me and that shows me in every way possible that they care and most importantly, that they love me.
I love those people also but I just have a hard time showing or telling them.
I'm just a girl who has feelings but is told that I shouldn't show those feelings to anyone because they would just used what I feel against me. It makes me feel like I shouldn't tell or say how I feel no matter the situation. When I say I feel uncomfortable or uneasy, it's for a reason and people should take that very seriously. I don't do this for attention nor do I do it to make people feel bad but I do it because it's just my feelings. People should know how I feel and should know what I think. I have a hard time explaining why or how I feel those two ways but at least I said what I felt because I was tired of just pushing it to the back of my head and constantly telling myself, "I'll get used to it" or "it's just a feeling. Nothing more and I shouldn't worry." But I can't hide it nor can I not worry.
You see, I had a lot of things happen to me since high school. It went from being friends with people, to them showing me that even the one person I trust with all my heart and mind, could and will betray me or even stab me in the back. It also went from being bestfriends to just being strangers and never talking again. It went from being in a group that would do anything for you, to just being by myself.
I had a lot of friends in high school but now, I can only count my friends on one hand. That says a lot and that's why I have bad trust issues.
That's why I feel uneasy.
That's why I feel uncomfortable in certain situations.
And that's why I push people away because I don't want to feel that pain anymore. I don't want to hurt if people walk away from me and become bestfriends just like how we once were.
You see, I'm afraid that people will just forget about me as if I was just a piece of paper. Because in my reality, that has happened way to many times before. I was replaced by people and they became their new group or person, best of yet, bestfriend. And it's easy for people to forget about me. just because I'm Alexis. I'm no one important.
I'm a busy girl. I work, I go to school, I don't really go out like I used too but people don't understand that it's just a part of growing up. When you grow up, you wanting to go out isn't really an option anymore. I don't have that opportunity anymore since I'm always busy. I'm either at work, school, cleaning, or sleeping because I'm always tired due to the hours I do work. I always get told I have no life and with that, I agree and I just move forward. Yes I know I'm busy but when I take time to hangout or spend time with people, I actually think it through and plan it throughly so I have no distractions but people don't see that.
It has happened in that past and that's why I'm so uncomfortable and I'm uneasy.
I'm afraid you'll forget me even if I'm your bestfriend and replace me because I'm always busy and hardly see eachother.
I'm afraid you'll forget me even if I'm your sister because we hardly have family time.
I'm afraid you'll forget me even if I'm your daughter because we don't talk or spend time together like we used too.
I'm afraid you'll forget me even if I'm your girlfriend because I'm afraid that one day, you'll get bored of me and not love me anymore.
I'm just a girl who tries to make people happy even if I'm tired.
I react a certain way because the story never ends. It just keeps on going.
So I'm distancing myself for a while from people so I don't ruin anyone's happiness or ruin what they want to do.
So until then, I'm Alexis Nicole Keith, a busy girl who works and goes to school.
And like I said, this story never ends no matter if we leave what had happened in the past, in the past because in my reality, it just keeps happening over and over the same way it all began.