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Josh had tried to call, but they were unanswered. Only her voicemail comforted him in his time of need for her. He felt guilt and regret ripping through him. A knife stabbed in his back each and every time he heard her voice, but he needed to hear it.
He needed her.
But he understood why she wouldn't answer. Her and her sister were not on good terms. An understatement but that was the best he could do at the moment. His mind was groggy. And he didn't feel like himself. He didn't even remember last night. The only thing that helped him was the video that someone had taken after the show.
His brothers and Danny were the ones who showed him, questioned him, and was on his side. All he had to do was get her to talk to him.
He wanted to tell her that he was sorry, that he loved her. That's right, he loved her. And then this happened. He just hoped that she wouldn't do what she had done with stress. He didn't want to cause her do it again. To relapse.
He stared at the phone, willing her name to pop up with her ringtone and her beautiful face. He wished more and more that it hadn't happened. He wanted to go back into the past where it was just him and her.
Tears wanted to come, but he blinked them away, pushing them back with a burn. He welcomed a pain that kept him from thinking. His hotel room opened and his twin walked in, sitting on the bed across from him.
"Did you talk to Jo?" His voice seemed different. Colder.
"Yeah." His brothers sounded like his. Different. His ears were playing tricks on him.
"What did she say?"
"Josh-"
"What did she say."
Jake swallowed, "Emery's been crying and not eating. She didn't even go to her therapy session." Josh cursed. He was so happy for her. Her eyes had looked softer and happier. There were lights in her eyes. Her face was even brighter than the sun. But he could see her now. Pale, bloodshot eyes, and the light in her eyes gone. Because of him. He wanted to break something. Scream. Pull out his hair. But he just sat there. His chest tightening. What was he going to do? "She hasn't been talking to anyone either. Mom and dad went over but nothing."
"She relapsed."
"They think so. But Josh, this isn't your fault. Once we get a better grip on this, then -"
"It'll be too late. It's already too late. She won't trust me."
"Josh! Enough! If she won't listen to you and she won't accept what you went through, then let her go. She isn't worth your time!" Josh saw red. Not worthy? Let her go? Josh grabbed Jake's shirt, standing them both up.
"She's worthy!"
"Is she? What has she done other cry and wimp because mommy didn't give her attention!"
"Shut up!" He lifted his fist, clenched tightly, and punched his own brother. He fell back at the force but was up in a second. "Do you know what I was feeling before I met her? Nothing!" Josh pushed him back until they hit the wall. "And then I saw her! And she was beautiful and she makes me feel happy. She has her flaws just like I do! So don't ever say she's not worthy!" Sam and Danny walked in and rushed over pulling the two a part.
"What's going on!" Sam yelled.
"Is she? She hasn't answered any of your calls! Not to even listen. How is that worthy!!"
"You don't know crap!"
"Guys!" Danny shouted. "What the heck!"
"Stay out of this." Jake growled.
"She was cheated on before!" A hush went through the room. "And her sister was part of it. Her sister has always gotten what she wanted."
Jake huffed, "But there comes a point when she needs to fight for you, Josh." Jake was right, part of it anyways. So was Josh supposed to just sit around and wait. He didn't know what to do. "I'm sorry, brother." Danny let go of Jake and Sam removed himself from Josh. The tension in the room dispersed and they all stood around. "She shouldn't have been cheated on. But this isn't where you cheated on her. You were taken advantage of. And that's different. I just want someone for you who is willing to fight for you."
"I know. And I know she will. I just got to talk to her. I just want to hear her voice man. Other than the recording."
"Man, you're whipped." Sam said with a chuckle. Josh didn't disagree. He was whipped.
"Go to sleep. You haven't slept in awhile, Josh." Jake pushed him to the bed.
"I want to take a shower."
They nodded and watched as he went to the bathroom, grabbing some extra clothes along the way. He turned on the water to warm and then to hot. He wanted to wash away whatever she had touched. He wished he could remember what happened. What she had touched. What she had taken from him.
She took away the security. The knowingness of intimacy. She had taken his ability to consent. The water mixed with his tears. He didn't make a sound. Just let the tears fall. He didn't move for awhile even when the water turned cold.
A brisk knock on the door returned him to reality. "You okay in there?" Jake said.
"Uh, yeah. I'm good."
"Okay. Just checking."
Josh got out of the shower and let the water drip. He looked at himself in the mirror. His eyes looked dead. He didn't look like himself anymore. He was something else. A bubble of fear pricked his gut and moved to his stomach. He moved to the toilet, throwing up whatever remained in his system. It burned and went up his nose. He spit and sat there, shaking from the coldness. Finally, he sat up, washing his mouth from the tap, and got dressed.
Without looking at anyone, he moved to the bed, and laid down. Closing his eyes, he breathed in and fell asleep. Dreaming of Emery and the sun.
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I'm sooorrry!! Forgive me for putting Josh through something 😣 I really do not like Lilith, the cow! And poor Josh!!! My babes.
