The Boy in the Band

Without her

It's now three weeks without Sierra, I didn't know I would be this lost without her. She has shut everyone out Jenny,Donnie,Kimmy shit even Danny tried texting her she won't answer anyone. I still try to call her every night and text her they never even get read. I've sent more flowers and things to her than I even know. I honestly thought between the two press conferences she realize it was a stupid mix up. I sit here on the bus staring at my phone this is normally the time we would be on the phone talking about our day. When I showed up to her house and I told her I loved her I meant it, she was so hurt she couldn't believe me. I never told anyone next to my mom I loved them, with her I meant it I am in love with her, I just don't know if she is ever going to realize it.

I stared at the picture Sierra and I took together the first night she got in for the weekend, she looked so beautiful. I felt the tear slide from my eye. I tossed and turned again all night I haven't slept well since everything had happened. I know it was a mix up but knowing have hurt she is right after she and I shared something so special and important to her makes me feel like the biggest asshole. I know she thinks I was only here to fuck her and now I moved on and at one point that was true with girls, but Sierra is different
in so many ways. I never wanted to think about any kind of future with any girl till she happened.

The bus pulled up to the KeyBank Center in Buffalo and we all loaded in, there was no media today just the soundcheck and show. Everyone was on stage I walked into the bathroom and slid down the wall hanging my head into my hands all I could think was "great Job Joe you finally met a good girl she has everything your looking for and you fuck it up. First girl you ever really knew you loved and she is gone. Should have kept my ass at the hotel and it wouldn't have happened. I broke her heart and I don't think I'm going to be able to fix it." I stood up wiping the tears that spilled from my eyes and walked back into the dressing room, I looked over and seen the bottle of Vodka on the table I walked over looking around making sure nobody was around to see me, I unscrewed the lid and put it my lips taking a long drink, I wasn't trying to get drunk just trying to ease the pain so I can get on stage and do my job. Lets be real that's all it is now, if it wasn't for all this she still be with me. This makes me wonder if all this is even worth it because the pain I'm feeling now and knowing I hurt the person that I love makes it unbearable.

I dug in my pocket and dig out a stick of gum before heading to the stage.
"Joe...bro where were you"
"Bathroom"
"Trying to call Sierra again"
"No Donnie I wasn't trying to call her because she wants nothing to do with me, can we get this shit done now fuck!!!"
"Joe man"
"WHAT!!"

Everyone looked back and forth at eachother everyone know how upset I was but I've never snapped on the guys that way. I finished soundcheck and headed off to my bus show wasn't going to start for a hour and I just didn't want to deal with anyone and the same old shit they keep telling. As I sit on the couch and think about everything that has happened I'm wondering if the band, the touring all of it if I still want it. Maybe if I quite the band, go to North Carolina maybe I can convince her to take me back. As I sit contimplating leaving My mind drifts to her again. I wonder if she is doing ok or if she misses me. I wipe the stray tear that trickled down my cheek. I reached up in the cabinet above me and pulled the bottle of Fireball I had put up there and opened it, part of me knew I shouldn't drink it but the pain I'm feeling I couldn't take it feels someone is twisting a knife in my heart and I can't get it to stop, I just want it to stop,I just need Sierra back.
"Fuck this"
I poured it down and I felt the burn of the Whiskey going down I just wanted to be numb let me get through tonight and we have three days off. Part of me wants to just fly out go to North Carolina make her listen to me, but she won't it will just be another door closed in my face. Maybe if I went to her office I could see her, but in my head I knew she wasn't going to see me there either. I looked at my watch everything was hazy and realized it's show time in 15 minutes and I staggered out. The Whiskey hit full force but at this point I don't care.

It was a shit show tonight and it's because of me and I knew that I screwed up the moves forgot the lyrics but I don't care, I walked off stage throwing my jacket down on the chair and grabbed the same bottle of Vodka from earlier and poured a glass,
"Jesus fuck Joe what was that"
"What"
"All of it, are you drunk"
"So what if I was"
"Joey Sweetie this isn't going to help anything"
"Jenny stay out of it you have no Idea what I feel like right now"
"First the fuck off don't you dare talk to her like that she is trying to help you that's all she has been trying to do. The fact you went out drunk and fucked up the entire show. These people paid a shit ton for the best show we can give them and you fucked it all up"
"Donnie I don't give a fuck"
"I get your upset but this isn't the way to deal with it"
"You know what I think I'm done"
"Done with what"
"This the fuckin band the touring the music all of it. The damn celebrity of all this causes this and that's the reason I lost her. I'm leaving here and going to go to North Carolina and try to get her back maybe if I wasn't in the band we be able to fix us!"

I stormed out getting on the bus. I wasn't on five minutes when I hear knocking on the doors. Robert my driver is no where do be seen, I open the door to see Jenny standing there,
"Sweetie will you talk to me for a second"
"What"
"Please give me 5 minutes"
"Fine"
I move to the side letting her in and she sits next to I hang my head in my hands.
"Joe Listen I know what you must be going through your hurt and it hurts you because you know how hurt she is, but listen all those guys love you in there they are like brothers. I know you love this as hurt as she is she isn't going to want you to give this up"
"It might be the only way to get her back"
"Joe did you think of the possibility she may need time."
"Jenny you know when I went down I told her I loved her"
"You love her"
"Yes Jenny I'm in love with her, but she told me that it was hysterical and she was just a fuck to me. She wasn't just a fuck she really wasn't"
"I know but you have to understand she gave you something she could never get back and she thought that you and her had something good and a few days later this all happened. She is confused, heartbroken,angry and everything in between. She is probably trying to process everything but it doesn't make sense to her she doesn't know how to deal with celebrity of everything she never had to do it. It was hard for me and I am a celebrity you know I took shit when D and I got together because of Playboy and everything. You have to desensitize to that kind of stuff she doesn't know how to do that."
"But instead of talking to me she shut me out"
"Joe Sweetie because she feels your the one who hurt her."
"She shut everyone out"
"Because everyone is a link or reminder of you and at this point she probably feels like she wants to forget you."
" How do I fix it"
"Truthfully I don't know, I'm going to let you go I'm sure D is probably wondering were I was." Jenny left and I finished the bottle and pulled out that picture of Sierra, god she is really beautiful the way her hair falls down her back, the way she bites her lip when she is thinking about me, her giggle. I can't get the thought of how vulnerable she was and she trusted me enough to give me her virginity and now she thinks I betrayed her, that shit kills more than anything.