LANCES POV
It's been about a month and a half now since keith came by. I couldn't help but start thinking about him...all the time. Seeing him made everything I pushed away come back. Me and Noah have been so happy thought though. We couldn't be better and keep growing together. I got a job at the mall and it's a healthy relationship. We don't have aggressive fights and always try to understand the other perspective when we do fight. We never go to bed angry and never go to bed apart. He really is perfect. But at the same time keith and I were our own kind of perfect. It hurts knowing my heart is in two places. I haven't told Noah. It's breaking me because we don't keep secrets and one as big as this could make us fall apart. I can't lose him. Today once I woke up I felt absolutely awful. I was sad and lazy. I felt broken. Noah noticed and did what he could to care for me. We cuddled on the couch and watched movies all day. He assumed I was getting sick but wasn't worried. i though about the photo of keith and I that I threw away at the hotel. I wished I had it right now so I could remember how happy we were. I left the couch to rummage through all my stuff hoping I had another photo or anything from him. I wanted to get past this but was consumed by it. I sat on the floor exhausted finding nothing at all.
"Are you okay?" Noah says in the doorway. He notices my stuff all over the room. He takes in the whole situation.
"Looking for something?" He says getting down on the floor with me in a crouched position.
"I'm sorry Noah" I say confessing looking up at him in a plea. He looks around the room and his face fell when he realized what I was doing. He knew I was looking for anything of Keiths and saw just how broken I was.
"Keith isn't it" He questions clearly upset. He wasn't mad but more so disappointed. He stands up reaching out to pull me up with him. I regretfully take his hand and stand with him.
"What do you want from him" Noah says upset. I look away I didn't know how to tell him I missed keith.
"Babe, look at me" He says with his fingers pushing my chin up to look at him. A single tear escapes my eyes as i relax into his hand squeezing my eyes shut in embarrassment. He catches me in a hug letting me cry to him. He rubs my hair bringing back all the memories with Keith when I would cry to him. How he said I felt like home to him. How much he liked it when I rubbed his head. I'm afraid of losing Noah but I know keith is who I'm meant to be with.
"I love you" I say trying to validate for the pain I'm going to cause
"I know you do lance. And I love you but you have to talk to me. If you still love him you need to tell me so" he says pulling me back so he could look at me.
"I miss him" I say letting tears fall again. "I miss being with him and I feel like I need to be but..." I sniffed wiping the tears away "...but I also need you. I need you more than I ever needed him" I choke back tears. He doesn't say anything for a while.
"So what are you going to do about it" he says calm and Confident. He always thinks sensible like this. He doesn't let emotions lead his decision like I do so often. He makes it so easy to feel and to live.
"Can't I have you both?" I joke trying to bring up the mood. He smiles placing my face in his hands. He scans my face for a while taking in everything I am. He looking like he was thinking about something for a while.
"How about I let you go. Just so you can get a feel for how you and keith would be and if you are still unsure you can always come back. Come back home to me" he says rubbing my cheeks with his thumbs. I melt under his touch. He's so soft and warm to me. Make me feel like I'm floating.
"But what about you. I can't just leave you to be with Keith. What if I stay with him?" I say the tears trying to come back.
"Then I know you will be happy. It will hurt like hell knowing it's not me who makes you happy but it's what's best for you. And I don't mind waiting for you. I'll give you all the time you need and I won't force you into anything. I can't keep you if you don't want to be here. If you feel like to belong somewhere else" he wipes a tear away with his thumb looking me in the eyes. His green eyes consuming my every thought.
"Why are you so good to me. Why can't you be an asshole or kick me out for this. Why are you so nice to me when all I've given you is an ex boyfriend that I might still love" I say chuckling.
"That's not all you've given me. You've given me your love and support. You've made me grow to be strong and even somewhat emotional." He smiles and continued his sentence "You have given me so much that no one has been able to before. And I'm good to you because that's what you deserve. It's what you give to me too" he says letting go of my face to hold my hands at our sides. He gives me a forehead kiss staying there for a while letting it sink in.
"When you feel ready. I'll help you find your way" He says breaking the silence and the kiss.
"Thank you" I wrap my arms around him. Embracing everything he is. It feels like goodbye and I know I have to choose one or the other. But right now I feel like there is nothing better than this. Than him.
