Same script, different cast

Caught between a strong mind and a fragile heart.

“Annie I'm worried about you, I'm taking you to the Doctors, I made an appointment, you need to get up and get dressed sweetie" Violet tries coaxing me out of bed but I don't want to get up I want to stay still in my bed. the bed I used to share with the love of my life.

Memories flood my mind, I miss him I don't think I can survive this split, I've never felt so down and miserable in my whole life, my mind is to strong to let me fall completely apart the way I want to.

Violet eventually bullies me out of bed but I refuse to shower and pull on a pair of old jeans and one of Marshall's t shirts that I find in my drawer, my hair is greasy and lifeless much like me right now. She bullies me into her car and I don't speak to her at all resenting the fact that she made me get out of my bed.

I sit in the Doctors not speaking there either, silence awkwardly filling the door while we wait.  Violet tells the doctor everything, she even tells the doctor she thinks I'm having a mental breakdown and I don't do anything to help that situation I just sit passively and just nod my head or shake it to answer her many fucking questions.
I just want to sleep and I don't know why they won't let me.

My doctor pokes and prods at me on her table, I could sleep there. She draws blood and I don't even flinch at the needle and finally a urine test which I eventually after much asking from the doctor muster up some energy for and she dips a couple of strips of paper into.

The only time my head lifts and I look at her Is when she says a word I never ever expected to hear in a million years. I probably heard her wrong anyway but she repeats her diagnosis and I hear it loud and clear that time.

“Pregnant?” I whisper. My head starts spinning violet is speaking to me trying to calm me no doubt but she sounds a million miles away as I stand up panicking, I feel like I'm falling, as my heart races and everything suddenly goes black.

“How are you feeling Annie?”  The doctor’s concerned face looks at mine as the panic bubbles up once more,  I'm going to die this time.  I thought I was going to die from a broken heart but now I know this baby will kill me. Violet asks the questions I can't, her voice breaking as she asks whether the same thing will happen as last time.  The doctor answers as honestly as she can “I don't know, but I'm going to refer you to the hospital, go right now.”

She picks up the phone and puts in a call to the hospital explaining my history and hangs up quickly.  “They're waiting for you at the hospital Annie, go now!” I nod my head but I'm rendered incapable of moving by this news. 

There's only one person I need right now.
I need Marshall.

“Vi can you call Marshall and ask him to meet us there please”  She looks at me like I've grown two heads “Please Vi, I need him!” she nods helps me up out of my seat and out to the car.

I lean on her heavily afraid to pass out again and frightened that he may not even turn up to the hospital, I haven't had any messages or missed calls in days.  He's probably moving on without me. When did life get so fucking shitty. 

When we are in the car Violet calls him, I hear it ringing and then he diverts her to voicemail she's furious that he's rejected her call and leaves him a voicemail  “don't ever fucking reject my calls you fucking asshole, Annie’s at the hospital. She needs you.  You better be there you fucking prick”

I feel like I'm not in my own body as we walk up to the hospital reception like my body is moving and operating but I'm not in it, I'm watching my life unfold from the relative safety of the otherside of the room. 

It’s all a blur now and I sit crying quietly as we wait for the consultant in their office. Violet has her head resting on my shoulder and rubs my hands in hers in what she maybe thinks is a comforting gesture but it's really not, I don't really want anyone touching me right now.
Eventually the doctor appears and quickly reads through my notes, asking me questions about how I'm feeling, if there's any pain, he gives me a pitiful smile as I answer sarcastically that my heart is the only thing in pain. “Ok Annie, I'm going to perform an internal ultrasound , we won't see anything if I try for a normal one ok, it’s too early for that, I have to warn you though that once you've had an ectopic pregnancy, you’re more likely to have one again and if that's what this is, you'll need surgery straight away. Today.”  He holds nothing back this doctor which I suppose is a good thing but I'm in need of some TLC right now and not hard, cold facts.