Rude Boy: Blue Series 1 (Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes Modern California AU)

Thirty-Four

Steve didn't remember much about his dad. He didn't remember how tall his dad was. Not the exact height, of course, because to a child most adults seemed like giants. And Steve never did get to be eye-to-eye with his father. He didn't remember his dad's eyes -- their color -- and most of the pictures they had never captured anyone's color the way that it actually was.

There were lots of things that Steve didn't remember about his dad. Like his laugh, the exact tone, the exact gruffness. Or the way that it felt to be lifted high up in the air with the security of the strong arms that never wavered. All the things that Steve desperately wished that he could remember, but couldn't.

One thing that he wished that he could forget though, was the deep void left by his absence. Steve didn't remember his father dying. He didn't remember what he was feeling when he first found out. And Steve didn't remember the funeral. What Steve did remember though was the tombstone:

Loved husband of Sarah
Loved father of Steven

Joseph Rogers
A GOOD MAN

Although Steve had been young when his dad passed, the way that it broke his mom still haunted him. Steve could remember the way that Sarah would be doing something mundane -- cooking or sewing or simply sitting there -- and she'd be overcome with emotion. Inconsolable in her grief as her sobs uncontrollably wracked through her petite frame. Steve remembered trying to comfort her the best that he could, even with his own tears streaming down his face. Eventually Sarah would simply wrap her arms around his tiny body and hold him impossibly close and they would sob together.

"I just love him so much," Sarah would say with puffy eyes and flushed cheeks.

As the years passed, Sarah stopped crying as much. Of course, there were still those moments when Sarah simply couldn't help herself. She loved Joseph, after all. But as the years passed, Sarah tried to hide those little moments, only wanting it to be between her and her dearly departed.

When Phil came along, Steve was cautious. After all, he didn't want Sarah's heart to be broken again. Steve -- being an early teen by then -- had tried to test Phil while reminding Phil that he didn't have any authority in their house. But as the years passed and Phil proved that he had no intentions of replacing Joseph -- while also trying to carve out his own place in the family -- Steve realized that Phil was the best thing for Sarah. For Steve though...

Well, Steve decided long ago that he never wanted to love someone like that. Yes, Steve loved. Openly and abundantly. Always at arms-length, however. Steve wasn't sure if others noticed. Nor did he know if they'd care. But Steve knew.

Steve knew that it probably wasn't for the best, but he still did it. He couldn't help himself. The fear of losing someone like that ever again and there not being anything left to pick up was too much of a risk for Steve.

Even after all those years since Joseph's passing, Steve would still catch the way that Sarah's lips would dip into a frown. Or how her brow would furrow every so often for seemingly no reason. As though even after all those years, she still hadn't fully moved on. Sure, she loved Phil and they were happy, but Steve could see it.

"Hey, look what the cat dragged in," Phil joked when Steve let himself in through the backdoor of Sarah and Phil's home.

Steve fixed a smile on his face as he pulled the older man in for a hug. Companionably, Steve patted Phil on his back and teased, "How you've been, old man?"

"Fine, just fine," Phil answered. When he pulled back, Phil noticed the sadness in Steve's eyes, and he solicitously asked, "Everything okay?"

"Yeah," Steve lied, trying to reassure his step-dad. However, Steve knew that the longer that he stood there, the more Phil would know that he was lying. So, Steve turned and asked, "Mom in the den?"