Pumasok siya sa trabaho at ako naiwan dito mag isa sa unit niya. She doesn't look happy and I understand why.
Kampante naman ako na mahal niya ako. Alam ko na pipiliin niya ako... sa ngayon. Pero, paano kapag...
Hay! Ano ba 'tong mga naiisip ko?
Kanina... hindi ako sigurado kung ano ang dahilan ng pag iyak ko ng sobra. Iyon bang pag balik nung ex niya, o yung posibilidad na magkabalikan silang dalawa? O baka naman,.. kasi na-i-insecure ako? Hindi ko na talaga alam.
Mga mumunting halik sa aking pisngi ang gumising sa akin kinahapunan. Althea is smiling. Though there is tiredness that is visible, alam mong masaya siya.
"I have something for you."
Marahan akong umupo at napakusot ng mata.
"I love you," she handed me a single stem of sunflower. Malaki ito at kasing amoy niya.
"I sprayed some perfume on it, I'm sorry. Ilalagay ko agad sa vase."
Hinawakan ko siya sa magkabilaan pisngi at hinalikan rin. There's a big doubt inside my head but my love for her is so much bigger and stronger than them.
"I love you," I smiled weakly.
"Mahal kita. Sorry sa kanina." Niyakap niya ako at tinitigan. "Hindi ko talaga alam."
"Anong nangyari sa inyo noon? Why did you not tell me anything? Ni hindi ko alam na may ex ka." Mahina kong tanong na sakto lang para magkarinigan kaming dalawa.
Umayos ako ng upo at binigyan siya ng space sa gilid ko. Umupo naman siya agad at hinawakan ang kamay ko.
"I was already in the States for two years when I met Nathalie. She's out as gay and I'm out as bisexual. Maraming parties na invited kaming dalawa but we never talked that much. Well, not until one day, a friend asked me if he can give my number to Nath kasi daw, hiningi." She paused and looked at me.
Ngumiti lang ako. I want her to continue to tell where everything started.
"Sa akin naman, walang problema. We are both single and we both go to the same university. Tapos siguro, after two to three months, naging kami. An agency contacted her. After months, she became a model. Well, not really that famous but at least, na pi-feature sa magazines. Tapos ako, nag a-apply pa lang as a photographer."
"Okay..." tumatango-tango kong saad.
"And then eventually, she became my model. Kahit hanggang noong natapos kami sa pag aaral, kami pa rin. Hanggang ss nakilala siya, sumikat at mas naging demanding ang tao na gusto siyang makita." Pagpapatuloy niya.
"Everything was okay. Hanggang sa, naging busy parehas at sinabihan niya ako na wag munang dumalaw sa shoots na a-attend-an niya dahil hindi rin naman daw niya ako makakausap." She moved closer. "After months, nagkalabuan at hindi na siya nagparamdam. Nag tetext at tumatawag ako. Hanggang sa tinanggap ko na, na wala na talaga kami." She intertwined our fingers.
"After months, nakilala kita kay Luke. And you already know what happened next."
"So wala talagang break up?" Tanong ko.
"Wala." She answered nonchalantly
"Tapos?"
"Anong tapos, Mariz?"
"Tapos ngayon na bumalik siya? Since hindi naman kayo nag hiwalay..."
"Hindi kami nagkaroon ng formal break up pero tapos na kami. Hindi na na kailangan pang ulitin yung bagay na 'yon, Mariz. Alam kung gaano kita kamahal at kung gaano ka kaimportante sa akin."
"Still. Wala pa rin namang hiwalayan. Both of you have the right to be together again..."
Gusto kong awayin ang sarili ko para lang ipaintindi na hindi maman dapat ako nag se-self pity.
I don't know if it is my ego or my thoughts or maybe... just maybe, maybe it's my insecurities talking. I want her full attention on me. But I know that asking for too much attention and assurance of her love might cause conflict between us.
"Ang ganda niya pa naman. Isa pa, model mo, di ba?" Umiwas ako ng tingin. Hinawakan niya ako sa baba pero mas pinili kong yumuko.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit kahit na sinasabi niya na mahal niya ako, there's something inside me telling me that I need to be a better person for Althea. Mahal ko siya. Mahal niya ako.
The thing that I don't understand is that, I am sure about our love but her ex is making me worry.
Ganito yata talaga kapag mahal mo at ayaw mong mawala sa'yo yung tao. 'Yong tipo na sigurado ka naman pero natatakot ka.
I have friends who got dumped by a lot of people and somehow, at some point, I don't want to be like them.
Ako yung tipo ng tao na mamahalin at magugustuhan ka pero hindi gagawa ng bagay na makakagulo sayo. I can stay deeply in love with you even without bothering you and that scares me. Knowing na nandito yung ex niya for four years. Kapag siguro hiniling niya na bitawan ko siya, kahit pa masakit at mahirap, as long as she'll be fine and happy, gagawin ko.
"You two look good together..." dagdag ko pa.
When I finally looked at her, I saw how disappointed and sad she looks. Before, she wasn't really showy when it comes to emotional things or happenings but today is different.
Her eyes are screaming how disappointed and sad she is. It has the color of bloodshot and even with her make up, I can see how wrecked she is from the inside.
"I'm sorry for making you feel that way." Nabasag ang boses niya nang dugtungan niya ito. "I want to love you the best way I know how. I'm sorry."
My insecurities turned into madness. Bakit ako nag iisip ng ganito? Ako dapat ang nakakaalam kung ano ang nasa isip niya.
My insecurities and ego ate me up and though I already saw that coming, I didn't do anything to stop them.
"Mariz, you are the treasure that I'll always love keeping. We may not have the perfect and ideal love story, I hope you know how pure and true my love are." Hinawakan niya ang dalawang kamay ko at inilagay 'yon sa magkabilaang pisngi niya.
"Mahal kita. This problem that we have now may teach us a lesson. Mahal na mahal kita. Hindi ko gusto na nasasaktan ka at mas hindi ko nagugustuhan yung fact na ako ang dahilan kung bakit nalulungkot ka."
We hugged each other so tight. Hinalikan niya ako sa labi. Magaang at halos hindi ko iyon naramdaman ngunit noong pangalawa, it was quick but I felt how sorry she is.
"Please. Talk to Nath about the things that you two need to deal with. Hindi maaayos masimulan kung hindi maayos yung naging katapusan." I smiled.
I want them to talk. Gusto ko rin malaman ang side ni Nath.
"I won't be there. I promise."
