trigger warning this chapter contains self harm and bulimic actions!
enjoy!
I stood up with Ashton beside me and slowly stumbled into the kitchen, I really dreaded meal times. Once again, my plate was full of food, it looked horrible, ugh why am I so messed up, maybe I should tell them, then they’ll stop giving me so mu-
“Are you going to eat it or have a staring contest with it? Ahah” Michael laughed not knowing my problem. I forced a laugh in return knowing I’d definitely rather have a staring contest with it than eat it.
I had to at least try and show Ashton it’s not what I think he thinks. I sat down and slowly began eating the mass of food. I started to feel sick but I knew I had to finish this to keep Ashton off my back. I pushed on and finally finish the plate and excused myself from the table. Of course I was going to purge it, I mean, I wasn’t seriously going to keep it down. I walked into the bathroom and turned on the tap as normal and vomited the meal. As I stood up to rinse my mouth I saw Ashton standing in the doorway with his mouth wide open.
I didn’t know what to say to him so I just ran past him and into my room locking the door behind me. I heard him calling for Calum, Luke and Michael. I was mentally begging him not to tell them but I knew he would. I don’t know how to handle this as no one has ever found out about my eating disorder and to be honest I wish it had stayed that way.
“Emma!” I heard Ashton call from downstairs but I didn’t move, I can’t face this, its too much, and so I did the think I haven’t done since I left the orphanage. I grabbed my blade and locked myself in my bathroom and started drawing my blade across my arm.
One cut
Two cuts
Three cuts
“Emma!” I heard Ashton call again.
Four cuts
One more, I persuaded myself that I deserved another one. I watch the blood for several minutes, hearing Ashton knock on the door. I washed off the blood and pulled down my selves, the last thing I needed right now was for them to find out about this as well.
“Emma please come out, we need to talk,” Ashton called once again. I decided to go out to show them I'm okay, I was literally shaking as I left the bathroom, I know they’re going to yell at me, just like everyone did when they found out about my self-harm.
I sat down on my bed and looked up into Ashton’s eyes expecting to see anger, but instead I saw hurt? Why is he sad? I thought he would be angry...
“Emma, why didn’t you tell us about this? You can trust us, you know that, right?” Luke asked making me feel guilty for not telling them. I hate how they can control my emotions, I promised myself I wouldn’t let them in, I wouldn’t tell them anything and now I'm in this mess,
“WHY IS EVERYTHING SO COMPLICATED”
The 4 boys looked at me in shocked. Oh my word, I did not mean to say that out loud... how stupid can I get?
“Emma, baby, listen,” Ashton looked at me with concern in his eyes, “we’re here to help you, we are going to make you better okay?”
I nodded, not making eye contact with any of them
“Do you want us to leave?” Calum asked quietly. I didn’t reply and they took it as a yes. Just as they were leaving my room I forced out “Luke” he turned around and walked back over to me.
“Can you stay? Please?” I looked into his blue eyes and he smiled softly and nodded. The other boys looked a bit hurt but left to give me and Luke privacy.
“Why did you want me Em? Why not Ash?”
“I just needed to tell you, I mean, I, uhh” I mumbled lost for words.
“It’s okay, take all the time you need.”
“I find it easiest to talk to you...” I mumbled, “Not that I don’t love the other boys, its just easier with you...” he looked at me, smiling.
“well I'm glad you feel like that, I want you to know that I'm here know, I can listen if you want, Em, I can kept it a secret until you are ready to tell the others, you know that right?” I looked up at him, I thought about it. Should I tell him?
“Okay, I’ll tell you about this eating thing, but you can’t tell the others, promise?”
“Promise” we lay down on the bed staring at the ceiling as I began a story I never wanted to tell anyone.
“It began in school two years ago...”
Flashback
I walked through the front gates of my new school, another prison, as if the orphanage wasn’t bad enough. I went to registration and the teacher introduced me, I looked at the ground, too shy to look at all the new faces, I heard people laughing quietly and whispering to each other. I took a seat in the back corner alone, always alone.
I got through my classes okay, it wasn’t until lunch when I realised just how awful this place will be. I sat alone at lunch as I had no friends here, two boys sat down at the table and smiled at me, I thought they were going to be nice to me until they said, very sarcastically
“Are you sure you should be eating that, I mean, aren’t you fat enough all ready?”
End of flashback
“I’m so sorry Emma, come here,” he held his arms open for me to cuddle. We lay like that for about an hour, with him whispering things like “you’re safe now” and “you’re beautiful”, until I finally fell asleep.
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adopted by them?! / 5SOS Fanfiction
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