Chapter 9
“When I was 10 my dad walked out on me, my brother and my mum. My brother was 19 so he moved out, leaving me and my mum, I was devastated when dad left, we were a happy family till then. I wrote a note one night, explaining how I felt, it read, ‘I have reached a point in my life where I dread waking up every day. I get bullied in school on a daily basis and I don’t want it anymore. I have 3 amazing friends in school and only they know about my eating disorder. I do it as a way to control something in my life. I can’t control anything else other that my eating. I tell my friends I want to get better but honestly I don’t. I just want to end the pain. I don’t want to be here anymore but I'm too scared to end it. If I do though, you’ll be able to read this and know why. Dad, you left me when I needed you most, how could I trust you after that? You stole 2 and a half thousand pounds from my bank account, what sort of father does that? I still love you but I don’t think you love me... Mum, when dad left, you blamed me. How could you? You told me I talked to him too much, turned him against you but in reality, I just wanted to talk to my daddy. This happened twice, he left twice... when my cat died, I blamed myself because the vet said it was a change in family life. I was blamed for that. Mum, when you got cancer because of the stress, I blamed myself. You may think I'm too young to understand but I'm not, I started purging when you got cancer and have been ever since. That night when you told me you hated me and wanted to put me into care was the night I started having suicidal thoughts and I have had them to this day. You forgot my birthday and when out too celebrate your own instead. That night I cried myself to sleep. I wanted to die but I couldn’t leave my friends. Aaron, I trusted you and have never regretted it. You helped me so much and if it weren’t for you I would end it right now. I know in the future I might come out of this depression and that’s what I want but I'm writing this so as when I'm older people will know how I feel right now without me trying to explain it. Mum, ever since that birthday, you changed. We argue everyday and I hate it. I go to school crying, I can’t take you anymore, you make me late for things and I turn up to partys crying because of arguments with you. People notice and ask questions, but how do I answer them? What do I say? Do I tell them I hate my mum? No, because they all reply with the same thing. ‘You don’t really hate her, you love her really.’ Why can’t they understand that I do hate her? How can you love someone who argues with you constantly? Someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally will tell you they hate you right before one of the most important exams in your life, will you sit and watch other parents say ‘I love you, good luck’ right in front of you. Or when I'm with a friend, their mum will call and check to make sure they are okay, ending the call with ‘love you’ so as that child never forgets. But has my mum done that? Never. Never will she remind me every day she loves me. Why is that? Because I know she hates me. She’s told me she hates me. Your parents are supposed to be your rock, guide you through life, be there through thick and thin. Do you understand how hard it is to act ‘normal’, smile through everyday, when you dad leaves you and steals from you, and hates you. When your mum hates you, yells at you, argues before everything which is important to you. Do you understand how hard it is to go to school and sit in the toilets every morning cutting yourself because you have no friends to talk to there? Then proceed with the school day cringing every time you hit your leg, arm off something and hitting the fresh wounds. Do you understand how fucking jealous I am of the blood that leaks from my open wounds? It has an escape from this body so easily, when I never will. Have you ever been jealous of blood? No, because what pathetic loser is jealous of blood. I, myself, me. I hate school, but even it is better to ‘home’ a place where most kids feel safe, but me? No, I hate ‘home’ I want to leave and be free but I can’t because I'm trapped by my age.”
“Emma”
Ashton was holding me as I cried into his shoulder. I can’t believe I told him all that, I didn’t mean too but I knew he had to know. Now he does, it will be easier for everyone.
“Please, can you tell the others? Not now, but sometime, I can’t do that again...”
“of course I will. Now get some sleep okay? You need it after that. Do you want me to stay with you?”
“Yes please”
And so he stayed until I was asleep. Unfortunately, I didn’t think telling that, bring it up again would cause the night mares it did. I sat up suddenly, dripping in sweat, screaming.
“Emma, what is it!?”
“Ash” was all I managed before bursting into tears.
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It will get happier as the book goes on, i promise xD
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adopted by them?! / 5SOS Fanfiction
Fanfiction'I may seem like I'm flying But really I'm dying I may seem alive But I just want to cry As I looked to the sky And saw a lone dove I looked down to my wrists And all I saw was blood' When Emma gets adopted by 5 seconds of summer, will she trust...
