i miss you

Row 27

Things were only getting worse. The pain steaming from the cuts only lasted a second before I needed to cut again. The alcohol no longer made me giggly and uncontrollably happy, and any food I tried to force down, only came right back up. I wanted to be happy. I really did, but that just seemed so untouchable. I no matter how much I wished for things to be different, deep down, I knew there was only one way to end this suffering.

And this Friday night, exactly 5 weeks from when Mary died, I'm planning to join her.

...

"Can I tell you a secret?" Kaitlyn asked me as we sat together in my back yard. I nodded as I pressed the neck of the beer bottle to my lips. "I had a dream last night." Again, I nodded, hardly interested. "Mary was there." At the mention of her name, I whipped my head to look Kaitlyn in the eye. She smiled knowing that she had my attention last night. That smile she wore soon turned into a deep frown, tracking all the way up to her eyes before she looked away.

"It was weird. At first I didn't realize it was a dream because I was just lying on my bed. I thought I woke up from sleeping but then I heard a noise. I looked to my right, scared as hell, then I saw someone move. When I turned on the lamp, I saw Mary sitting there. She started talking, then thats when I realized it was a dream. She told me something." Kaitlyn paused. Even though she wasn't looking at me, I knew she was crying.

"What did she say?" I whispered, my voice almost too quiet for even me to hear. I was afraid of her answer, but I wanted to know.

"She said she was happy." Kaitlyn answered blatantly. I barely made a movement, but I knew I had nodded. Of course she was happy. Why wouldn't she be? She wasn't the one who was left behind to suffer. To grieve. To hate.

It's not fair. Why did she get the easy way out? Why did she have to die?

"Why wasn't it you instead?" A second too late I realized I had said those words out loud, directing them at Kaitlyn. "Oh my God." I chocked out. What did I just say? I didn't mean it of course. It was just an in the moment thought. I love Kaitlyn just as much. She is my only world right now. It was an odd feeling that passed through me. Something I hadn't felt in such a long time. Regret. And all at once I was in a panic to take back those words. "Kaitlyn-"

Her emotionless shrug caught me of gaurd. "Its okay. I think the same thing sometimes too."

"I know you do...but I don't wish you were dead. If you died... I'd have nothing to live for. Don't think like that again." God I was such a fucking hypocrite. I'm not only thinking for it to be me next, but I'm planning it as well.

"I didn't mean I wish it were me instead. I meant I think exactly what you said." She said giving me an annoyed look. I tilted my head just a bit in confusion, silently asking her to explain further. "Think about what you said."

For a second, I thought really hard over the alcohol in my blood, trying to recall my exact words. "Why wasn't it you instead." She had thought about it being me instead of Mary. She wanted it that way. "Oh." I let out on a breath and suddenly, I was as sober as a baby.

"Yeah. I mean, I don't think I really mean it or anything, its just..." She drifted before covering up the somber tone with a laugh. "I don't know."

"It's just what?" I pressed. But she just shrugged it off like it was nothing and took another sip of her drink.

After that, not another word was said between us. We just finished our drinks and then dropped them in our neighbors trashcans like always then went out seperate ways. I went back to inside to my house while Kaitlyn walked down the alley to her house. Usually I felt alone when she left, like I didn't want to face my nightmares alone, I didn't want to mourn Mary's death by myself, but now, now I couldn't be happier she left.