i miss you

Waking Up

*Kaitlyns POV*

Beep. Beep. I woke up to the sound of a consistant beeping. I tried opening my eyes, but they were too heavy. It hurt so much. My head was pounding a slow and steady throb. There was a noise to my left and against everything I felt, I opened my eyes.

"Kaitlyn? Oh baby, you're awake." I heard my mom's voice filled with tears.

"Mom? Where-" I choked on my words and my throat was on fire. But I needed to ask my question so I tried again. "Where am I?"

"You're in the hospital. You're going to be okay Kaitlyn." The hospital?

"What-?" I started to ask what happened, but then it all came flooding back in at once. Earlier that night I was talking to Calum from 5Sos at the concert and Erika was talking to Ashton. She didn't notice, but I saw the cuts. I saw the dried blood. Seeing those broke me inside. I knew she was hurting, that it was difficult for her to cope with Mary's death, but I didn't know she was in that much pain. She never talked to me about it. She never talks to me anymore. Its like I didn't exist.

I remember when I knew what I had to do. I was talking to Calum and I couldn't focus on anything he was saying because I was so upset with Erika. Why didn't she tell me she cut? I told her I was drinking. When Calum asked me if I was okay, I nodded, but inside, I was dying. It was then that I realized I wouldn't mind if I was actually dead.

So that night, after hugging goodbye to Erika, I went up to my room, grabbed a bottle of my old pills from when I had strep and took the rest of the bottle on top of a few sleeping pills and pain killers . I was sure that would do it.

But it didn't. 

Reality set it and I threw my head back on the pillow, releasing a heavy sigh.

"Why, Kaitlyn?" My mom asked softly, but I couldn't open my eyes to look at her. I knew what I would see there.

"Liz... not now." My dad spoke up quietly. Thanks Dad, I thought. I really didn't feel like talking much. I wanted to be alone. To cry, to scream, to sleep.

"Can you go? I just wanna be alone right now." I asked, turning my head towards the door, looking away from both of my parents. I didn't want to see them right now. Not until I collect all my thoughts.

Before my mom could protest, my dad placed his hands on her shoulders and guided her out of the room without another word.

Half of me hated the fact that I woke up, that I was rescued before it was too late. The other half...I was so glad that I woke up. That I have another chance. But again, when I see Erika, it's all going to hurt all over again and I'll hate that I'm alive. I don't know what I want! 

All these thoughts running in loops around and around in my mind are driving me crazy! I just want to be normal again. I want to go back to when Mary was alive. Before I started drinking, before I watched my best friend Erika go into an irreversable depression. 

All the thinking only made my head hurt worse and the anger inside of me grow. With a huge huff, I flopped onto my side and closed my eyes, trying my best to just rest and let it go. 

Minutes went by and I started to feel a little better. Things settled down in my mind, and finally I was able to feel the pull of sleep dragging me under. But just before I was able drift off into a peaceful sleep, I heard the door to the room open softly I didn't want to look at who came in, I already knew who it was and I wasn't ready to see anyone right now. I kept my head facing towards the window, looking at the glistening moonlight. 

"I still don't want you in here Mom." I said annoyed. 

"Uhh..It's actually me. Well, not me, but...you may not know who I am, but my name is Luke. Luke Hemmings." At the familiar Australian accent, my heart completely froze. Everything in me went still and breathing became such a hassle. There is no way Luke freakin Hemmings was standing in my hospital room. With a slight turn of my head, I saw the tall blonde blue eyed singer standing right next to the open door.