No Going Back

ii

I can't remember the drive home, my thoughts are everywhere and in the process they gave me a headache.

Getting out of the car, I noticed how quiet it was outside when usually the neighbors kids are loud.

Walking inside my house, I placed my keys in the bowl by the door before heading up to my room.

"I can't stand being here anymore." I whispered as I laid back on my bed staring up at the ceiling.

Did I really want that? To disappear?

I shook my head, I knew better than to think about suicide or anything like that.

Tiredly I sat up and pulled my hair into a messy ponytail, before staring at my closet.

In that closet was my escape, my way out but I couldn't bring myself to move.

I was thinking about all the things I currently hated about my life.

I was picked on by Lydia because Luke chose me over her in middle school, thus making me her enemy when we used to be close but also because I knew her families secret.

My mother whom my father left when I was four is NOW trying to be in my life is back?

No, she can't really be here. It's against contract.

Want to hear a story?

When I was four, my mother had a drug addiction and was a bad alcoholic. 

At first it wasn't bad, there was this brief period when I was two that she was away at rehab or so that's what my father told me.

I never believed that it was bad, until she began to come home with friends except they weren't fully there for her.

If I only, I had known to stay in my room. Away from them all.

One night they were fucked up and I literally mean fucked up, they were loud and would laugh at everything in sight.

They were really drunk off there asses, I was only four. FOUR! A four year old shouldn't have to experience what I did.

One man, was looking for the bathroom I assume and he stumbled into my room. At first he threatened me to be quiet, eventually I began to cry out for my mom to make him stop.

She never did come to my rescue, and if she did she'd laugh before saying something she didn't mean. To this day, I blame the drugs and alcohol but I really don't know anymore.

The man never went as far as rape, but one night he tried. I screamed out for my mother, my father, and anyone that came into mind.

I guess my screaming woke up my neighbors because they were the ones who called the police. As far as I can remember, he didn't do anything or so they told me.

However they did find me naked and curled up in a ball, whenever they attempted to come near me I'd scream.

When my dad found out, he left her, he got a divorce, got her some help, a restraining order and we left.

He didn't want me near her, and I didn't want to be near her either at the time. She's wrote letters every month, and although I read them I I could never write back.

What would I even say? I didn't have anything to say honestly.

I guess the most that I could say is that, I forgive her but I didn't know if even that was truly true.

Currently I was in the living room rewatching Vampire Diaries on Netflix because why not?

The sound of the door being slammed, let me know that my dad was home and clearly very upset.

"Valerie Marie Costalona." I cringed at the use of my full name. I hated when he used it, I can't stand it.

"What's the meaning of you leaving school?" He asked trying not to raise his voice at me.

"I'm getting bullied..." I mumbled only to regret it right after. "Val what did I tell you about mumbling?" He asked causing me to let out an annoyed sigh.

I couldn't get mad, not at my dad when all he wanted was answers. "I'm getting bullied papa, I have been since freshman year okay? I didn't want to tell you because I know that you'd want to do something and I could handle it."

When my dad didn't say anything, I stood up and walked over to him. "And what of this that I hear mama is in town?"

She wasn't allowed anywhere near me, until I was 18 and I don't turn 18 until next month.

"Valerie, why didn't you just tell me? I could've switched you schools, done something." He asked his eyes softening as he pulled me into a hug.

Another pang of guilt hit me and once again, I couldn't bring myself to apologize.

"I'm sorry papa but that's what I didn't want. Luke goes there and I couldn't just leave him, I wanted to fight my own battles even if I lost." I told him holding back the tears.

He sighed, kissing my forehead. "I just can't lose you." Pulling away, he gave me a sad smile. "I'll see what I can find out about your mother."

I nodded and watched as he left once more. Work.

Walking into the kitchen, I opened the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. I took a large gulp when there was a sudden knock at my door.

It wasn't Luke because school was still in session plus he's just walk in. So I had no clue who it was.

Looking out the peep hole, I tried to see who was there only to see that they were covering the hole.

They obviously didn't want me to see them until I opened the door and welp that's not happening.

"Who is it?" I called out, my voice wavering slightly seeing as I was nervous. "It's me." 

I froze, my blood running cold and my body not willing to run as I so desperately wanted to. Why was she here? She couldn't be here.

"Mama?" I asked getting a hum in response. "Y-You can't be here mama, you're breaching contract." 

I kept my voice from wavering not wanting to let her know the affect she had on me.

She let out a tired sigh, "Valerie. Can we please talk?" I shook my head only to remember she couldn't see me. "No mama, you have to go. We can talk when I'm 18."

She didn't say anything, it had gotten silent and I hoped she had left but of course she didn't.

"I didn't want to tell you this way." I frowned confused, tell me what? "I have Glioblastoma, stage four."

What? But that would mea- No, this can't be real.

"No." I whispered resting my head on the door.

Did my dad know? Wouldn't he have told me? He would've told me, right?

"I'm so sorry, for everything Valerie. I hope that one day you'll be able to forgive me." She cried and I closed my eyes willing myself not to open the door.

Looking out the hole once more, she was gone. I opened the door and stepped out only to hear a slight crunch, looking down I saw she left a note.

I didn't want to open it, not yet. 

Not right now at least.

I began pacing the room before finally deciding what I was going to do.