FOUR QUARTERS

Chapter 40

 

  

 
 

                           Jonah
 

After eating breakfast I went to get a shower I was on my way downstairs when I heard momma and him talking. “What were you thinking about earlier?” He asked momma. “Nothing.” “You say nothing but everything including your body is telling me that your lying to me. Try again and this time tell me the truth.” “Don’t act like you know Gavin” ‘that’s it, momma. Tell him’ I say to myself as they continued talking.
 
“I don’t know you, Simone. I Rem-“ “That was years ago. Over 15 years.”  I watched as he got closer to momma. “I remember kissing you for the first time. The way you felt in my arms. How your own body went against you as you tried to resist kisses from me. When we pulled apart that look in your eyes.” “Years ago.” “You had that same look in your eyes. What were you thinking about.” Seeing momma uneasy I jogged the rest of the way down the steps.
 
“Me and Jonah should go.” “Okay. Do yall need anything.” “No, thank you, Gavin,” momma says as she turns an walks to the door. “Let me see yall out.” He opens the door. Momma turned and waved as he said bye to her as she walked to the car. I turned facing him.
 
“This changes nothing. You are still and will remain dead to me. And leave my mom alone.” I said then walked to the car. After getting in the car and putting on my seat belt I look up to see him looking right at us ‘til we drove away.   
 
 
After waking up from a nap I head downstairs to see momma laying on the couch. “How mad are you at me,” I say taken a seat on the chair in front of her. She sat up and looked at me. Boring through to my tainted soul and trying to find the old me in the midst of my broken heart.  
 
“Talk to me. Don’t tell me its nothing when clearly it is Jonah.” She said in a stern tone. “Honestly I don’t know momma.” “Jonah” “I- I don’t know. Ever since we moved here finding out about him. You acting like everything is fine and it's not. You have forgiven him for abandon you, not just you what about me. Us. All the struggling you did, did you forget all of the nights you cried cause I haven’t. Did you forget all the pain he caused and brought to us. He shattered me and you don’t even care.”
 
I looked at my mom's face with tears streaming down her. “I haven’t forgotten what Gavin did.” “Why are you in his life. In any of their lives mom. We don’t need them.” “I’m doing this for you. As much as you don’t want to hear this you need to. I can't punish Gwen for Gavin’s actions.” “So you want me to forgive like everybody else. He’s not wrong.” “get it all out”  
 
“So I’m the bad one here. Cause I fucked up his precious car. What about what he did to your mom. Better yet me. You had your father for a while at least but what about me. No fucking body wanted me. I made everybody hate you.” I said as the pain escaped me, yet I didn’t feel any better felt even more broken.
 
“Your own son made your father hate you, the man you love, lo-“ feeling my mom hold me trying to pull me into her heart. “I ma.. made them.. not want you. everything is my fault.” I cried harder.
 
After a while, I pulled away from my mom and looked at her face. “Baby listen to me. I don’t care who I lost in the past you are the greatest of all I have accomplished. I haven’t forgotten nights where I would cry hoping Gavin would come but not for me, for you. You have questions that I can't answer but the ones I can I will.”
 
“Yes, I did have my father for 15 years. I thought he loved me I had no reason to think otherwise. We went to father-daughter dances, he took me on dates when I was younger to show me how a man is supposed to treat women, dance, piano, and violin recitals he was there with flowers, front row always showed me he loved. Nevertheless when I got pregnant” momma stopper to wipe her tears. 
 
“He showed me what kind of person he is. You heard him when momma died. He didn’t want to be near us especially me. I know what Gavin told me when I got pregnant I also saw what my father did. When Gavin found out about you he wanted the truth to be exposed. He is trying but he was wrong.  Don’t know why he wanted me to kill you. When he told me to kill you I knew I was going to have to love you enough for me and Gavin both. I can't blame his family not only did they not know about you they had no clue about me. I wasn’t going to risk trying to find them and bring more pain to you. So if you want to place all the blame on Gavin for not telling his family about you then you need to put some of the blame on me. I could have tried.”
 
“Momma bu-“ “No Jonah. I could have tried, but I was 15 years old I was scared my family made me leave. I went across country to live and William said it wasn’t far enough. In my mind, me being young and fragile hurt and betrayed by my own family I didn’t want to go through it again and I certainly didn’t want you, Jonah. And look you're going through it. Baby don’t be so hurt you won't allow them in your life. I know your use to the wasp stinging you, but don’t miss the butterfly because your scared.”
 
“Momma I’m just tired of being broken and my pieces becoming smaller. I'm running out of glue and tape to temporary put me back together. It’s too time consuming and it hurts. It shatters me all over again. I -I- I’m just so lost momma becoming numb to the pain he gave me conception. It’s my fault he wanted you but not me and he left both of us. I hate myself for causing you this pain. Mommy, I’m scared of falling apart even more now and I no one can stop it.”
 
After crying and hugging my mom she looked at me. “my precious baby nothing is your fault. Nothing stop taking on this responsibility it’s not your to bear. I love you more than anything in this world.” “I hate the scars he left on us.” “He can help you heal those scars.” “That’s what grandma told me.” Momma hugged me again.
 
“We are going to be alright baby. If you ever cuss in presence again I’m going to bob you upside the head.” I laughed.  “I love you momma” “Not as much as you baby.” My mom said hugging me tightly.
 
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