FOUR QUARTERS

Chapter 65

 

 
 

                      Jonah  
 

Overcome by the wave of emotions I just cried in his arms. He wanted everybody and everybody’s child but me and the hurt finally escaped from my eyes. “YOU- YOU” I couldn’t say anything else just broke down and cried harder. 

“YOU DIDN’T WANT ME. WHAT DID I DO THAT WAS SO WRONG? WHY DIDN’T I DESERVE YOUR LOVE? EVERYBODY ELSE GOT IT BUT ME.” WHY WASN’T  I GOO ENOUGH TO GET YOUR LOVE. YOU HAVE ALL THIS MONEY, HOUSES, CARS, BUT YOU HAD NOTHING FOR ME NOT EVEN YOUR FUCKING LOVE. I JUST WANTED YOU MY DAD BUT YOU COULDN’T GIVE ME THAT. I sat on the couch in front of him and he just watched me cry as I yelled and screamed at him then I saw the pain evident on his face the tears streaming down his face. 
 
“Jonah” I looked up at him. “You want the money, houses, and cars their yours. Yes, I have all those things and more but you are forgetting one factor.” “What’s that.” “I wasn’t happy. I was never happy. I pretended well. After Simone left all my happiness and joy left. When I was informed Simone had an abortion I became dead inside. My actions lead her to be on a table and they kill our unborn child was more than could bear. Then like I said I was told by a person who was supposed to be Simone best friend she moved on. Count all the shit I have, but the happiness is not on the list, being filled with a guilty pain, a heartache that didn’t stop nothing could fill it or make it better, the emptiness was all I had.”
 
Not being able to speak we both just looked at each other and cried. “I believe a big reason I was doing things with other kids or going to the hospitals to see the newborns or mothers who were about to give birth was because I regretted what I said and to hear Simone had an abortion devastated me all these years until she told me.” “What was the point of telling you momma had an abortion?” I watched as he shook his head. “I don’t know. Maddison and Allen dismantled each of our lives and we are trying to repair the damage they caused. Allen watched me suffer more than anybody for that I will never forgive him or trust him again.” He told me you had nothing to do with it.”
 
“Jonah you need to know I am deeply sorry for what I said to Simone all those years ago. I can't go back and change it just like I can't stop that pain that became my second skin. I wish I could but I can't all I can do is move forward. I remember years ago one night I heard this song and I skipped classes and practice just to hear it” He stopped talking as the memory took over. “What was the name of the song” He remained quiet as tears formed in his eyes and they fell slow.

 
“Talking to the Moon” He wiped his tears. “Even though Simone and I were under the same sky we were both in pain. The night I heard the song it was pouring rain I sat outside cried even screamed out and I hoped she would hear me but she never did.” “If you would have found us would you have stayed.” “I would have. You and your mom wasn’t the only one suffering Jonah, I was too. I was heartbroken too. Yes, my words and actions lead to it, but I swear I didn’t mean it. I wanted you then and I want you in my life now. I’m so Sorry.” He said as he cried the betrayal and regret plastered all over him.
 
“Why want you forgive Allen.” He looked me dead in my eyes. “I suppose the same reason you won’t ever forgive me.” He said then getting up going to the kitchen as his words played in my head. I heard a lot of ruckus in the kitchen but remained planted on the couch as a picture caught my eye. Everybody was smiling when he got drafted but him. Not a real one, not like the one he has when he around my momma. Without knowing tears slipped out my eyes landing on the glass covering the picture.
 
Going into the kitchen I saw him making some food for us. I sat quietly as he maneuvered around the kitchen with ease. “You're a lot like your mom. She used to do the same thing to me.” “What’s that” “Come in a room quietly.” “Your favorite memory with my mom.” He stopped what he was doing and turned to face me. “When she forgave me, even though I haven’t forgiven myself she forgave me.” He begins cooking again then he spoke again.
 
“I missed out on being a father. I missed out on teaching you how to play football, watching you grow into a bright young man, graduating from kindergarten, Elementary school, I missed all of your birthday’s, special occasions, hearing your first words, changing you, buying you clothes and shoes missed out on protecting you, what I will never let go of” He said facing me “Is watching you being born. That I-“ he turned back around.
 
“You have my love anything else you want. I’ll give you anything you want if you would just stop hating me for just a moment.” His words had tears to spill from my eyes. “I don’t hate you. It just hurts. It hurts bad. And An-“ He walked over to me. “You're scared. You're scared I’m going to hurt you and your mom again. I’m scared to Jonah of not being enough for you and your mom. Not being the father you need and deserve. I have already fucked up.”
 
The tone of his voice was sincere and full of agony. “Why are you torturing yourself?” I asked he turned off the stove putting our food on a plate. He sat one in front of me then got cups and got us something to drink. We ate in silence the silence was crowding and suffocating the both of us.

A while later he spoke. “My torture is because I will be able to undo what I did. I can't fix the past and it's darkening my future. My torture is when I look at my son all I see from his eyes is detestation and animosity. The core of my torture comes from knowing my son will forever hate me and never forgive, give me a chance or want to try and built a relationship with me.” He put the dishes in the sink before saying he would be back and went out the door.
 
Sitting in the kitchen as everything replayed in my head my fear was taking over. I heard a deep voice boom from behind me. “In deep thought.” I turned to the source of the voice and saw Gavin’s dad. “Do you want me to leave.” “Why would you assume I want you to leave. I am more concerned with how you got here and does your mom and dad know you are here.” “Gavin brought me here” He took a seat beside me. “Your welcome here anytime.” Silence held us capitative. “Why do you call your dad by his name?” “He’s n-“ “You say he’s not your dad it's going to change the fact he will be. Think about this what if your dad knew you existed and still didn’t want you how would you feel? I mean you did everything you could to get him to love you, come see you play, want him to welcome you in his family. Really think about it.”
 
His words echoed in my mind “It would devastate me beyond every and anything. I would feel like I’m unwanted and not good enough. Li-“ “Like how you're doing to Gavin. I don’t know everything but I do know my son was not himself no matter how much he said he was. I understand your in pain and suffered but open up your eyes and see other peoples agony. We all got the short end of things and yes yours was far worse no one will deny that but are you going kill your in this pain.”

“You don’t know anything,” “My mom left my dad when I was three. As I got older that gape that void got bigger and went deeper. The emptiness nothing could fill it. When I turned eleven I started looking for her when I found her do you know what she told me.” I shook my head in a no motion. “My dad didn’t have enough money for her stature she wanted and I wasn’t smart enough in her words. I wouldn’t get ahead in life. I never saw her again. I did everything she said I wouldn’t.” “To show her or t finally gain her love.”

“Neither. I did it for my dad. When I married Dorthey I did that for me. The businesses I did that for me. When I held Gwen for the first time I knew I was going to give her the world. When I held Gavin for the first time I knew I wanted him to take over the world. I look at you and I want to take your pain away. My mom is still alive doing whatever she does and never gave me a second thought your dad id begging for a chance and forgiveness. I know how you feel but between you and me who’s a parent is fighting for them even though the odds are stacked against him.”  
 
His words played in my mind the front door open cutting my thoughts off. “Dad, what are doing to here?” “Just having a talk with Jonah.” “Are yall done.” He looked at me. “You need me I’m here. I know what your feeling and going through.” I nodded. “I’m going to the house to see what my wife is preparing for dinner. “Thanks for the talk.” “Don’t let your animosity blind you from missing out on something great like mine did,” I smiled when he left. “I need to get you home.” “Okay”
 
The car ride was silent but everything in my head was loud. “I’m scared.” He kept the focus on the road. “I’m scared if I let you in your doing to hurt me more or not like who I am and leave again.” He stayed silent until we pulled in the driveway. “Jonah” I looked at him. “I’m scared to and I don’t like who you are, I love who you are. I’m scared about being a father I don’t know what to do. All I know is that I want to be in my son’s life.” We both got out of the car as I saw my mom standing in the doorway. I went to her and hugged her tight. He was getting in his car.
 
 
“Gavin,” I said he faced me. “I’ll try,” I said as he smiled differently and so did my mom.

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