FOUR QUARTERS

Chapter 66

 
 

 
 

                            Jonah
 

Sitting on the couch beside my mom I could feel her eyes burning into me. “What momma,” I say with a hint of laughter. “What happened today.” “I talk to Gavin and his dad.” “But you said you would try.” “Momma I’m not going to lie it hurts, but he didn’t know therefore I can't blame him on that; however, he did tell you to have an abortion. Before you go off he did tell me about his past and how it played an impeccable role in him telling you that. I also know he tried to find us. I even know that him William helped keep us all part but momma.”
 
“It’s hard baby I understand for the longest I was too, but when I found out the everything I couldn’t hold something against him that he didn’t know. I would be in the wrong. When you were a baby, well old enough to know your dad wasn’t around you would ask. I never wanted to lie to you. Do you remember what I told you?” “You said he is gone away right now. Then as I got older I asked why didn’t he want me or love me. I watched you break down and cry, clutching your heart the pain and anguish surged through you and was evident all over your body. You looked me in my eyes and said he didn’t want you, he didn’t want us. I seven holding and comforting you while you cried.”
 
“I should have waited but you were relentless in finding out. I made so many mistakes ras-“ I cut her off “No you didn’t mommy. You never gave me what I wanted but you always provided what I needed.” “Except for your father. I could have tried to reach out to him.” “Momma are you listening to yourself. How were you going to do that? How were you going to find him because you don’t follow football? And trying to track him down at school would have been impossible.”  “Like how it was for Gavin to try and find us, impossible. Look at all the factors in the way.”
 
“I get it, mommy, don’t stop me from being scared and me waiting for the worse to happen. I can try from a distance.” “Jonah” “Momma it’s the best I can do for now. I’m scared. When I see him all I hear is your voice telling me what he told you, only now I have a face to go with the words. This is something I need to get through on my own and deal with in my own way.” “but you don’t need to get through it alone. You have a lot of people who are here and willing to help you, but the person who can help you the most you terrified the past is going to come back. Jonah.” “This is my fight. I have to fight through this pain.” “Do you trust me.” “Of course mommy I trust you more than anybody.” “Do you trust Steve.” “Yeah he has done nothing to me, I should have listened when he told me about Nicole.” “Why do you trust us.” “Well for you, you're my mom you would never hurt me and Steve well he’s Steve.”
 
“Before you knew Gavin was your dad you trusted him on some level as your coach and to help you in football. I get your still angry and with good reason, but baby remember this your dad is still alive and has never intentionally hurt you and is regretting words that are taken a toll on him, but the man who raised me dragged me through the mud tortured in me ways unimaginable without laying a finger on me. He has no remorse for what he did. I’m surprised he didn’t do worse. My point is to look at Gavin and William who has the better dad me or you.” She said then kissed my head as she heads upstairs.
 
“Momma” she swung around facing me. “Why and how did you forgive grandma? Why even come back here?” She walked towards me. hugged me. “Baby it wasn’t easy. When Odell called me told me she was sick it affected me but not enough to get me to come. She chose a man over her child, she allowed and watched me her child she had been thrown out on the house like garbage. I never told you this, when she called me two days later she asked if I was settled in, her second question was I didn’t know what to do and well your father takes care of me you don’t. I hung up never talked to her she would send stuff for you, she allowed my brothers to come and even when my Grandma died she barely talked to me she stayed for you not me. One time she sent money and I had to purchase food, I think you were four or five she was so angry that I spent ‘your money’ she didn’t send any more for years. When she called she said Simone cane we talk.”
 
“What did she say.” “That she was wrong. She was scared and fearful she had to let me go because I would have stayed and she divorced William we would have all struggled. She thought what she was doing was for the best. I reminded her about the be money she said she was angry at herself because as a mother she is supposed to provide for her child and she didn’t. When she said she was proud me, a better mom than her she said just come and let me see my grandson one last time. I heard her heartbreak as she cried.”
 
“Momma” she looked at me and kissed me on top of my head. “through everything you always stayed strong.” She sat beside me retrieving something from the table. “I was strong when I had to be. I was weak when I lost all my strength but I knew I couldn’t stay. I had a little boy who needed me not to be weak like my mom was.” “If the baby would have survived.” “You would still be my baby too Jonah.”    
 
“One of your children took your other child away.” “Stop. It was an accident it wasn’t no one's fault.” “Momma, Gavin isn’t like William and he is remorseful.” “Why do I hear a but coming,” “How do I get over being scared to trust him, being scared to let him in.” “Being scared to love you, and you love him.” I froze at her words. “one day at a time baby.” She got up going to her room I asked her a question that stunned us both.
 

“Momma do you or are you in love with Gavin”
 

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