FOUR QUARTERS

Chapter 67

Gavin

{Friday}

Looking over some plays and last-minute footage of the opposing team we are facing tonight I was brought out of my thoughts by a knock on the door. "Come in," I say not looking up. "Hey, Coach can we talk." Looking up I see Steve in his uniform. "Is everything alright." "I just need to know are you going to be with my momma?" "I'm sorry what, your mom. Steve isn't your parents married?" I asked extremely confused. "Oh not her I mean Momma P." "Steve" "Coach I need to know so I need to change schools if need be." "Why are you changing schools." "Have you had Momma P cooking." I literally faced palmed myself at Steve's words. "I'm having dinner with her tomorrow night. Well, she thinks it's me and Jonah but it's going to be just me."

"Steve, why are you so invested in Simone? I know its not just the food." "You read my recorded coach." "I would rather you tell me." "You have seen my parents well they never wanted to leave their hippie lifestyle and that entails behind and that does include the hardcore drugs." He snickered "Maybe that why they were them bright as-." I raised my brow at him. "They wear bright colors all the time. The sun isn't even that bright." He said shaking his head. "So for a big portion of my life, I have bounced around in foster care. I was depressed a bad cutter. I cut myself so much one night I hit a vein actually two. It's crazy they don't know how I survived. When my parents came to me see I gave them an ultimatum. Me or the drugs. They went to rehab. I wish they would or could go for their clothes." He laughed and I laughed with them. "What made you forgive them. "Forgiving myself" I looked at him inquisitivly.

"It wasn't my fault they chose drugs but when it mattered the most they chose me. I had to forgive myself for knowing it wasn't my fault. I shouldn't care about their burdens and problems along with mine. I am their child, not the other way around. I had to forgive myself for thinking they didn't want me, drugs were important, that I was the result of a drunken - high night. I had to forgive myself for not understanding their problem and addiction. It's hard we have family talks two or three times a week to keep that fresh line of communication opens between us." "Something I should look into." "Possibly. Coach before you do anything you need to do something else." Steve must have noticed the look on my face.

"Before Momma P and Jonah can forgive you and let you into their lives you need to forgive yourself if you don't down the line all walls are going to collide then collapse. You cant be ready to receive but not ready to give. You cant give them the love they need and deserve nor will they have all of you. You have been without your son for what 15 years how much longer are you going to take." He bored his eyes at me. I nodded. "Steve" I called out. "Thank you." "coach come on let's win this game. Uh, quick question should I call you coach or dad" he asked in a serious. "get out Steve." "Dang, already getting treated like a stepchild." He said walking out of my office.

{Saturday}

All days I thought about what Steve said to me when I was interrupted by a knock on my door. Opening the door I see Allen. I move aside and let him in. "You're first to arrive." "What's bothering you." "Nothing" He laughed. "You always were a bad liar." "It's nothing" "How's Simone" "Trying to be strong even though she's hurting." "Why didn't you ever tell me my son was alive." "Maddison had lied and played so many games I honestly didn't know so when I tried to find her I came up empty and assumed she was right." "I nev-" "You need to go to Maddison tell her how you feel, the damage she did to you if not you will be holding onto unnecessary shit and carrying it with you. Ask yourself do you really want to take that bitch anywhere else with you" Silence fell upon us. "That's not what's bothering though."

"I'm trying to figure out how to forgive myself." "Good luck" "I'm still in school for that shit." "I'm serious." "I am too. You don't get it, Gavin, I am responsible for the demise of how many people. That young man, your son, yours, I see that anger, the resentment, the horror in his eyes, but do you know what cast over all of that? Do you?" I shook my head. "Fear. That little boy has wanted his father's love for 15 fucking years Gavin 15 and he didn't have because of me. ME. I have to live with knowing I caused him to fear being loved by his own father. That shit has fucked me up. Why do you think I wasn't hanging out with you as much. Why I was throwing myself into work or fucking hoes like its nothing. That pain, the guilt. It exacerbated when I saw Jonah and every time I do see him. Not just him You and Simone too. The ways I violated that beautiful woman. You remember that night you was drunk calling out for her."

"Yeah. Hours later I got sick and I was there clutching a bottle of vodka and I said do you know what it's like to hate yourself. You said yeah I do." "Because I do. Nothing will ever fix what I have done. You can rectify your damage mine is to paramount. Just as much as your son needs you, you need him more and as much you need and want Simone it's more than that for her." "Jonah said he's going to try." "Then you don't try, you do. I don't mean go and take over be and be daddy of year. He's more than a football player Gavin." Before I could respond there was a knock on the door. I open it to see Patrick, Odell, and Jonah. We all said hellos.

"Who's ready to take him down," I said. They all nodded as he left my house ready to destroy him for all he has done.

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