I Was Never Loved! (Taekook)

Chapter 22

Things changed in a snap of fingers. Jungkook expected it to happen way before his confrontation but it still got him upset. Just a week ago Taehyung was enjoying his time with koya, being goofy and now, he locked himself in a room.

It wasn't like he suddenly went quiet after the confrontation. Actually he cried a lot that night with Jungkook caressing him and holding him near to his chest. It was better than isolating himself alone in a room. It assured Jungkook that may be he can handle this. Maybe he can help him by being right by his side. Maybe Taehyung will not struggle as much as a normal schizophrenic patient would. Because he is by his side always, Taehyung might accept his company and won't cut off socially. It will be helpful for Jungkook to understand him because every person needs someone to understand them. Someone who doesn't judge you for who you are, for what you think, for what you believe. But Jungkook shouldn't have raised his hopes higher. Higher you fly harder you fall.

Not too soon, Taehyung started to stay aloof. He started staring into space -  Blank but thoughtful. His thoughts would run wild. If Taehyung tried  not to think irrationally that would have worked, but he didn't stop himself. He let his mind run wild. He let his mind take over his self because he didn't want to struggle with it right now. All the things made him weak - Lethargic. His thoughts would always end up with questions - Why did this happen to me? Why only me? Why should I be suffering? Am I not a good person,  but not everyone are born sinners. Am I a sinner unknowingly? If not then why am I punished? And if yes then for what am I  punished?

One thought lead to other. One misery lead to other. One memory lead to other. He couldn't stop it all. He couldn't control his mind. It was like a chain reaction - Chain reaction of memories. Sometimes when you are sad, your mind draws every sad memory to reason yourself that you are not overacting. Your life flashes across your eyes, bad moments, bad memories flashes across your eyes, and that's the moment you feel extremely low. It becomes indeed painful.

To compensate his thought of overreacting, his mind played memories of his childhood. About his family, about his step dad.

Everything was a disappointment he could say. It was like he wasn't lucky in his life except his mom, grandma and Jimin. He loved them dearly. It was all he wanted. It was all he prayed for. A baby's world revolves around his mom, so it was likely to have a deep bond with their mother. And so was the bond between Taehyung and his mom. She always encouraged him even if he was lacking, she was his well-wisher, his encouragement, she was Taehyung's air to breathe. She was the one to take up all the hits meant for him by his father. In terms of a life partner she has always been unlucky but she wasn't ungrateful, she wasn't complaining to God. Taehyung got the trait of kindness and love from her. She taught him to accept everyone even if they did no good  to them, if they are related to you, you are meant to accept them in all of it's glory.

His step dad didn't love him from the very beginning so he didn't expect any love from him ever. He was cold, never appreciating.  He had all the flaws that one could think of - imperfect and ugly inside out. He didn't abuse him much like he did to his mom. If his dad abused him like he did to his mom then he would have died long back in his childhood, his mom was his shield after all - his armor in shining light for which Taehyung's heart still hurts thinking about those times. If he could have been more strong and brave to protect her, she would have suffered less. His heart only hurts for her, not for his ownself. He could bare  abuses at him from his dad but couldn't see his mom hurting. It hurted that much, after all he loved her with all his heart.

Jimin was his escape though. Escape from the pain - from his daily struggle. Actually spending time with Jimin helped him develop his other part of personality. If Jimin was his happy-go-lucky time, it was also his self-reflective time - With joy there was also learning. Jimin always listened to his complaints, always held him when he was distressed about his home even if he was of the same age. They played, they pranked, they wandered down the streets, he spent most of his time with Jimin because he wanted to stay happy and not ruin his mood going back to his home.

Happiness is addictive, it's a craving that you get once you get a taste of it and Taehyung was it's victim. He wanted the taste to never fade away ever. The day Taehyung was told that Jimin was leaving, there came the end of it. End of happiness. Happiness didn't last but craving did. So Taehyung found his own way for happiness, he made his own world to stay happy.  A world he got lost in and didn't know when he escaped reality.

Taehyung's grandma was a saviour for his vacations. To escape home on the vacations, grandma's place used to be the best. But soon she met with an accident and was in coma for years. One more light of happiness flickered, until it faded away.

Jungkook. A new light, a new hope. Taehyung actually found love in a hopeless place. Jungkook did things that Jimin used to - and it was to listen to him. Jungkook knew everything about his life. Taehyung didn't expect him to share it with any other person than Jimin, but he did. Actually it would not be wrong to say that Jungkook became much more important to Taehyung. Jungkook became his world and when did it happen even Taehyung didn't know. But he was grateful for it. Jungkook didn't judge him for what Taehyung was , how Taehyung was, he didn't step back but instead he fell in love with Taehyung even deeper. He accepted him. Accepted Taehyung with his flaws, with his scars. Jungkook gave him the reason to love his life.

Chain of thoughts, chain of memories only followed one after another and Taehyung started pitying on his condition. He also felt sad for Jungkook to have him in his life.

He thought to himself that wasn't a very imperfect guy in Jungkook's life enough to have a damaged guy as his boyfriend on top of it. Jungkook deserved the best after all. Jungkook deserved happiness, he didn't deserve a delusional person - a person who didn't know he was living a lie. A lie which seemed so true. A lie which seemed so good to be true.

Taehyung should be the one to be deprived of happiness, because he was a greedy person. He was greedy for love, for happiness.