Standing By

Avi In The River

(Josh)

I stood, frozen in place, my heart in my throat, wailing, praying, terrified. I've looked death in the face, nearly every day in the military; I've been there when people have taken their last breaths. I've learned to control my fear, how to turn it off at will. How to turn my heart off when I see my comrades go down. How to cope, how to react in the face of peril. But nothing, nowhere, could have prepared me for the way I felt when my brother, my biological flesh and blood brother, had begun falling down the hillside towards the river, clawing for a hold of something to stop his rapid descent. I think I screamed; I wasn't sure. I'd reached forward to grab him, but gravity had had such a strong hold on him, pulling him away, faster, faster, forever just out of reach. His clothes had been catching on roots and sticks, limbs and branches, but not enough to halt his fall, only ripping at his coat, tearing it to shreds, leaving limbs exposed and vulnerable, at risk. Avi's left arm had been bleeding copiously by the time he reached the bank, still struggling to catch himself.

I had raced down the hill myself, stumbling over rocks and limbs. God, I hate the woods. "Avi! Aviiii! Shit! Avi!" He'd had his torso half in, half out of the water, trying to climb his way out when he had slipped and fallen all the way in. I knew he could swim, so I'd put on the brakes before I fell in the river myself. "A-Avi?" I had ventured uncertainly.

He had coughed several times, trying to put his feet down on the bottom. "I'm—I'm OK," he had tried to assure me, only to slide around and slip back underwater. My hands flew to my mouth as I stood there shaking, literally more scared than if I'd encountered an enemy soldier on the battlefield. I could control that situation. Take my gun and bury a bullet in him. Much harder to control a river that was trying to drown my only brother.

"Avi!" I screamed, the seconds he spent underwater seemingly dragging on forever. I stepped on the heel of my shoe and pulled each off in turn, fully ready to jump in myself to save him if need be. I shrugged my coat off. "Avi!"

A hand. His hand emerged from the water; surely the rest of him would be close behind. I waited, my breath stuck in my throat. His hand just sort of flapped at the water, as though he was waving hi to me from underwater. Waving? Or gesturing? Did he need me? Was that a plea for help?

Preferring to be safe than sorry, I jumped, the frigid water biting through my clothes. By the time I surfaced, I was shivering—from the cold, from fear for Avi's life. Not on the surface. Had to be underwater. Still. I knew he had some powerful lungs on him, being a singer and all, but how much air could he hold? How long could he hold his breath? Surely by now, he'd have had to have inhaled water. Which meant he'd have had to have passed out—and there was no way he could help himself.

I took a deep breath of my own and dove underwater, searching for my brother, letting myself drift with the current. I was forced to surface after awhile for a breath, but dove right back down. How far had he gotten? Could he have drifted, or maybe swum, to the side? I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to find my 'off' switch, but opened them quickly in desperation to find Avi. Focus, Kaplan, you have to focus. Lives depend on you. I rose for another breath, hating my own human dependence on air. My body had started acclimating somewhat to the water, as I could no longer feel it. I couldn't feel much of anything at that point. More numb than anything else. I realized I was crying when air hunger drove me to the surface once more. I let a sob escape my throat, but only one. Didn't have time for anything else. Avi was on borrowed time now, if he had any left. I was feeling more and more hopeless, with an increased sense of fruitlessness. But I refused to give up. I had to find him—if nothing else, for his body. His body. God save him, my little brother's body. He wasn't supposed to die before me, damn it!