Standing By

A Way to Escape

(Avi)

I stretched out in the bed, feeling every ache and pain my bones, in my arm, in my body. God, I hurt. Everything I had, every place in my body, every nerve ending inside of me was firing. I'd had a pain pill several hours ago and it'd really helped, but its effects had long worn off. I'd tried begging another off the nurse, but she refused, telling me I couldn't have any more for another hour. Fine then, I'll just lie here in pain! I couldn't sleep due to the pain. I'd tried to flip on the TV but bending my arm hurt, and I couldn't get it off the damn QVC channel. I hadn't grabbed my phone on the way out this morning; last I'd seen of it was on the kitchen counter. I was bored and I was in pain and I was cut off from the world. Everybody had left after visiting hours were over. Nobody even put up much of a fight over leaving me in the hospital either. Nobody. Not even Mom. Sure, just leave him here, he'll be fine. Bye Avi, bye Avi, bye Avi! Uh, bye? And off they went. Left. Leaving seemed all I ever knew anymore. Always always. Never settling down anywhere. I'd be home in LA for a few days, then it was something else pulling me away to the next thing, the next tour, the next recording, the next next. God, I needed a break. My brain craved rest, rest that would never come. Home... I was finally home, but not home. I was in a damn hospital. All I wanted—all I wanted—was to be home, at my parents's house, with them, with Esther and her husband, with Josh. But I was here. Here. Away from everyone I loved. I felt—alone. Just with nurses and medical personnel. They didn't know me. They might think they did, by just the persona I put on onstage, but they didn't know me, my true personality, who I really was. Who was I? I know I'm not just the Avi I put onstage. There's more to me. My heart was nearly always with my family, with my California friends. Don't get me wrong—I love each and everyone Pentatonix friend dearly and deeply; I love making music with them, celebrating successes, touring, recording....but I craved—I needed—some me time. Some family time.

Wincing, I shifted my weight, moving around a little on the bed. I wished I could sleep, wished I could turn my mind off, turn my pain off. Physical pain, mental anguish. Little bit of both. I closed my eyes and started humming the melody of Standing By. One of my favorites to sing, to feel, to perform... I felt every word Kevin and I had written. 'And we travel land and se, our beacon the love we keep, but when we unite, this will all have been our dream'. Our family. My family. That gives me the impetus to just keep going, to be. The song meant so much tome. My feelings, buried in the music. Where I always put my everything, my heart and soul. Music speaks to me in ways nothing else can, even nature, being in in the outdoors. I come alive in nature and I spread it, pour it into my music. It is my all. But is my all too much? This schedule, this pace, this leaving my loved ones, it was killing me. I love singing and performing with Pentatonix, wouldn't ever give it up; they'd have to pry Pentatonix out of my cold dead heart—but oh my God, would it kill us to take a freaking break once in a while? Before any of us burnt out? Before I burnt out?

'I have waited a thousand years and now that tomorrow's here, I will shout from the mountain top, our hearts belong near'. I belong here, in California, with Mom and Dad, with Josh, with my friends I hold dear. I also belong in Pentatonix, with Kevin, with Scott, Mitch, and Kirstie, on stage, spreading my love in my music, singing out those songs I've helped write. Or at least, the bass lines. It really would be nice if they'd let me spread my wings a little though. Let me try soloing more often, let me do something other than than indiscriminate bass doom-doom-dooms. Let me see what I can do. I'm more than a bass line, I can do so much more, let me! Please! Don't cage me in, don't limit me! I wanted more. Five years, four albums, only a few solo songs. Mitch and Scott did the bulk; Kirstie's done a couple. I wanted an opportunity to spread my wings and fly. I wanted to be at home more. I wanted to be on stage and bring light and happiness to others in my—our—music. I wanted two Avi's.