Standing By

Goofy

(Avi)

Stretched out like a cat, I tuned everyone out—they just seemed to be bickering, anyway—and looked out the windows. Oh, pretty colors! The sun was trying to peek out into the sky, a warm yellow pushing into grey clouds. Multi-colored cars as they zipped by, just big fast bursts of color. Signs of every sort, advertising office supplies, temp agencies, lawyers that speak Spanish, Mandarin, Italian. Upcoming shows—oh, something about a Christmas program tonight—sold out, but you can win tickets! Oh, Christmas. I hadn't even bought gifts yet. Of any kind. Ah, crap, I didn't have any idea what to get people. Not like I'd had much time to do any shopping. I had a little bit of wiggle room for Hanukkah, but Christmas Eve was—gulp—tomorrow! And Christmas, the day after. Gift cards are so impersonal, and most of the Christians that were important to me have plenty of money so a monetary gift would be impractical. What would Kevin want? Sports—he likes sports. Basketball. Dribble dribble dribble, flip, pfflewwooo, swish plonk bouncy bouncy bounce. Think! I lifted a hand and tried to push some ideas into my head. A cap from his favorite team? A fun water bottle and towel? A gym bag? I sighed. Scott. What would Scott want? He likes, uh... music. Duh. Games. iTunes card maybe? Something Beyonce. Too bad I can't wrap her up and stick a bow on her head for him. He'd go gaga. Gaga. Gaga googoo gaga. Gaga oh-la-la, want your bad romance!

I squeezed my whacked-out eyes shut. Mitch. Mitch likes, ah, fashion. Of which I have little to no taste in. My go-to clothes tend to be black and white—and Mitch always tells me I need color. Color. Red, orange, yellow, blue and green and violet, are the colors of the rainbow that we all enjoy!

Oh my God. My brain literally could not focus. I'd start trying to think and my brain just jumped around like a broken record. I felt so freaking high I couldn't believe it. He's so highhh, high above me, he's so wacky, like Cleopatra. No-no-no! I pressed my hand to my forehead, wishing neurons would connect and quit jacking up on me. If nothing else, my knee felt good at long last. I pulled my jeans leg up to look at it. Yep, still attached. I pushed at it and rubbed around it, trying to feel for lumps, bumps, and bruises. It was a bit purplish, and for some reason, moved around when I nudged at it. I poked at it for a few minutes. It didn't hurt but was weird the way it moved around so much. I rolled the other leg up to look at it and compare the two. Hmm. That one seemed kind of wiggly too. I wiggled both kneecaps for a few minutes. Wiggly. Piggly Wiggly. This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home. This little piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none. And this little piggy went whee-whee-whee all the way home. I found myself fixing to slide my shoe off as though I was actually going to play with my toes like a two year-old and tried to slap some sense back into myself. Come on now, Kaplan, get ahold of yourself!

Blinking a couple of times, I realized I was sitting in the back of the limo, parked in a parking garage, alone. Hey! Where'd everyone go? Did they just up and leave me? What the hell? Why'd they do that? Were they mad at me? What the hell for? What'd I do? I started crawling towards the door and let myself out, sliding gently onto my leg. I stood there for a minute, testing my weight on that knee. Yep, seemed to be working now. But the big question was where everyone had gone. What were we doing anyway? I paused by the mall door, rocking back and forth, trying to remember. Two women exiting with several large bags apiece stopped to look at me. Like an idiot, I looked right back at them. They turned to each other and started whispering excitedly, probably about how oddly I was acting. I forced myself to move forward, although it seemed like I was moving in molasses. I'm... I'm... I'm here. In the mall. What could I be doing in a mall? Christmas/ Hanukkah shopping? I saw a sports store and walked into it, meandering the displays for a few minutes. A few people stared at me but I wasn't entirely sure why. Then again, I wasn't entirely sure what I was doing here anyway. I left the store and walked past a music store that seemed to be serving as a concert hall. Wonder who's playing. It seemed very eclectic—my doped-up ears were detecting songbirds, a howling basset hound, a twanging and off-key guitar, the plinking of a piano, and several electric guitar riffs. Ugh. Decided I'd be better off avoiding that. I walked past a nail salon, a gift-wrapping station, and a Macy's. LensCrafters. I paused in front of the eyeglass store, the faintest of memories in my brain. Were we going to LensCrafters? I stepped in there for a second, glancing around at rows and rows of glasses. Do I even wear glasses? I lifted a hand to my eyes. No frames sitting up there. I poked a finger to my eyeball feeling for a contact lens.