Mechanical Heart

Chapter 35

It's been over a year since Xavier left, and I haven't been happy about it one bit. I was able to deal with Xavier not being here anymore. I'm learning too and I'm getting the hang of it. I miss him too, a great deal. I carry his letter with me wherever I go. It's my oxygen, my life, and it's Xavier's last words. But it wasn't just him, my world was collapsing. I still am in Xavier's and My apartment, however it just doesn't feel the same as well as he is no longer there and it is Derek who is there now.My mom, dad and even my moms boyfriend are mad I didn't take up the same medical field as my dad did. They are not even content with the fact that I gave up writing for them.  My so called friends don't even notice me anymore, not like they ever did. Derek is mad at me for me trying to use him to replicate Xavier's Image. I don't blame him.. It's a chain of events. It's all these little things. These little things they eventually add up, and make your life hell. It was hard to keep moving forward. It was hard to wake up in the morning every day. It was hard being different. It was all hard, too hard. I don't think I have the power to keep trying. I think I'm done. Yeah I'm done. So Xavier, my dear dear Xavier, sorry I have kept you waiting for so long Hun, I'm on my way, baby. Side by side, remember ? I looked up at the ceiling, would Derek miss me? Would he be mad when he came back? Probably. I have thanked him and written my goodbye. I'll miss him. I closed my eyes and pulled up the gun to my head. I lightly touched the trigger. I opened my eyes, I'm sorry I have lost and it has won. I pulled the trigger and it was the end.

Derek's P.O.V

I ran a hand through my hair, maybe I was being a little insensitive to her. I should go apologize, yeah apologize. I turned the lock to my apartment room. The door clicked and opened. The room had a very strange eerie aura. It felt as if Karita wasn't there. The smell of fresh new blood hit me, and I became afraid, very afraid. I grabbed the phone and called 911, I also called the CCTV department in my apartment. I heard a knock, and I pulled open the door immediately and in came in the CCTV department and the ambulance. My eyes widened when I saw their eyes filled with sorrow. I took a few slow steps, slowly and slowly. I pulled open Karita's room door and I almost fainted from the sight. A gun in her left hand, and a bullet through her head. Bits and bits of her was lying all over the place. She had a smile on her face, her cheeks still has that rosy color and her eyes were shut, as if she was asleep, sleeping peacefully. She was waiting for her charming prince to come and awaken her. I closed my eyes and dropped to my knees. A sob came out followed by another and another. I had began bawling now, she was gone. The police officer patted my shoulder and handed me something. It was an old voice recorder.

"Listen to it son, it may do you good." The police man offered.

I stared at the recorder with a blurred vision. I clicked play and Karita's melodic voice emerged.

"Hello Derek. How are you? Have you been good? How was your trip? Please,Please don't cry, okay? And I am sorry okay? For only ever letting misery dawn on you. Derek, I think you knew for a long time I had already been broken, and I think you knew this day would have come. Sooner or later. My mechanical heart failed, it stopped and when it did I was in pain. I was struggling to breathe, I wanted it all to end, I wanted it to stop. All this pain was kept inside of me until it reached its limit.I didn't write you a letter, because letters are sad and gloomy. I despise letters mainly because the only one I ever got was a goodbye letter from Xavier, he gave it to me as his expiry date memoir. A letter can only tell and contain so much. So I recorded my voice instead just so it has more feels. Haha. Do you like sleep? I actually don't but I do, like how do you put it in words? I don't like sleeping but it's the only moment that all the pain and stress and frustration goes away. And it's like I forget that I don't like sleeping. You know that the first time I had smiled after my dog died, was when I just turned 4 and it was because of this annoying bratt who stole my place at the sand box, you.We were laughing in the playground over God knows what, I don't have that good of a memory. I wish I did. After that, The sandbox become our second home and a friendship so strong began between us. I was happy. I have known you all my life and it was an honor, a truly pleasurable honor,because you were family, my only real family. You did so much, more than anyone could ever ask for without ever asking for anything in return. You listened and cared. And you know---"

Her voice began to crack and began to come out choppy, she began to cry.

"I hate myself for only ever being able to put you in harm and hurting you constantly. I know, I see the hurt in your eyes every time you look at me. Whenever I say that I have no one you look like you are going to crumble, when I keep forgetting you're standing right by me and you've always stood by me and you always will. I'm sorry, I'm terribly sorry, I really am. I wanted to stay, for your sake. But I couldn't, I tried. I tried so hard but it hurt, it hurt so bad and I just. I just gave in. I never got around to thanking you. For everything you have done for me, for everything you have said, for everything you've done, for every time you saved me. For smiling, because you have a beautiful smile, the smile fell in love with. The smile that turned my day around. The smile made you, you. I am going to miss that. Your smile, your nagging and you. I will miss you. This gun that's going to be my savior, I brought it from an old Pawn shop. They sold it at a very cheap price, I don't remember how much exactly, but I remember I could afford it. I've had this gun for awhile now, but I was always scared. I was scared of dying, we all are. I guess i figured if I was terrified of dying then I clearly wasn't at my limit and that some of part of me still wanted to stay. I was scared of hurting you and Xavier. Although he left first, I was still scared of hurting you. But then today my hands were itching to feel the gun, to play with it and to save me. I guess I finally reached it. I found the finish line. Now I just had to end the race. There was no part of me that wanted to stay, to breathe, to live anymore. The only part was in you. I don't know many things, but I did know I was done. I was fighting a battle, and I lost. So you could say it got me, you could say I gave up, both. Both are true. Anyway thank you, Derek for a wonderful time. I'll miss you, my one true friend and I'll miss every moment we spent together, whether it was good or bad. Please remember it isn't always about the ending, it is also about the story. Oh and boy did we share one heck of a story."

I heard a short chuckle, "Oh and Derek I am happy, you made me happy, but this was perfect. It is my choice,Love Karita."

Her voice stopped, but I could hear her heavily breathing. I could hear her struggling. I could hear her in pain. I heard a sob and then a bawl, I could hear her body shaking. I could hear it all. I heard the trigger, I could hear the bang. I could hear my heart breaking with her.I wasn't good enough, I couldn't save her, I couldn't do anything. I could never have done anything. Why did she have to leave? Why did she have to go? I missed her warm smile already, her fragile ness, her soft cries. I miss her lavender scent and her sarcasm. I could feel a hole building up in my body. I lost her. She was never coming back. I lost her. I buried my face in my hands and I just sat there, for God knows how long.