Ruled, ᴘᴇᴛᴇʀ ᴋᴀᴠɪɴsᴋʏ

everyone can lie

If I had slept the entire night it wouldn't have made any difference. Everything was exhausting to me, not matter how much sleep or how much coffee I drearily dared to drink or how long I'd lay down, everything inside me was falling. 

My soul was tired but how couldn't it be?

I was haunted by the constant fear I'd never forget Peter, the way his hazel eyes pierced mine or his goofy grin that always made my heart beat ten times faster or sometimes not at all. It had been over a year and I still loved him hopelessly.

Before travelling I thought I was forgetting him, I was finally happy but I found for myself sitting in the corner of the room with my throat burning because I was screaming at the ceiling, begging myself to just let him go. 

It was in the middle of the silentest nights it hit most, when he'd find his way back into my memory to the point it made me sick to my stomach and I couldn't breath because I didn't want to love him anymore.

I kept loving him like he hadn't broken my heart a hundred times when I should have hated him. I probably should have wanted to cause him aching and the worst but , beyond the fact that I physically couldn't wish bad upon him, I didn't want to. 

I didn't want to scream at him that he'd cut my soul more times than he'd ever kissed it, and broken my spirit more times than he'd ever lifted it. That he took more good from me than he ever gave back and that he stood ahead of me, watching me break more times than he ever comforted me because it would break him, I know it would. 

Peter had to be  aware of what he'd done, he hated to be reminded of his failures and I'd be doing just that, I'd be hurting him, or his ego, and well... Hurting Peter in any way meant I was hurting myself. 

Yes, maybe he should ache a little and maybe it would help him learn a lesson or two but I didn't want to risk it for maybe it could also break him beyond repair and turn me into someone I'd despise living within.   

Everyone kept saying it and probably they were right. I was too loving and too forgiving, I felt too deep and was too sensitive. I was too caring and often got too involved and It was true. I was plainly trying too hard to be good and to be perfect, but there was nothing wrong with that.

I knew Peter loved me once, I felt it everyday by the way he touched me or looked at me and that was all that I would ever need to never want to revenge my pain on him. 

I was perfectly aware I had picked the long route to forgetting him. I was aware hating him would make it all a hundred times easier but I didn't care. Even if Kavinsky was plainly an idiot at times, he was still one of the best people I had ever met, he was my only true love. 

I didn't want to hate my first love. 

''Good morning.'' It was pretty obvious by the dark circles I carried with me into the auditorium that morning that I hadn't gotten any sleep and wasn't in the best of moods, yet Chloe made sure to point it out, pressing right where it stung me. 

''It doesn't look good to you.'' She chuckled. ''I have this great night eye cream for dark circles, you'll love it-'' 

''I don't need a night cream.'' I spat between my clenched teeth as I removed my sneakers. 

''Really? I feel like you're always looking so tired.'' The blonde haired girl asked, her high ponytail slapping her face as she tilted her head. 

''I am always tired.'' I told her in a deep breath. ''Look, do you really need my help today?'' 

I knew I shouldn't run from reality and that I should suck it up but at that exact moment I wanted to leave desperately. Spending the entire day watching Chloe stand where I wished to stand was an excruciating thought.