Our Inner Demons

Chapter 8

My mother hasn't changed a lot after finding out about my diagnosis. Perhaps it was a foolish idea to even think that it might affect her.

I haven't seen her go through countless sleepless nights because of what future might look like, and will there be any future for me at all. But maybe she had no reason to be asking herself that question. I needed to accept the fact that my disease affects only me, nobody else. That is why I have decided to keep it a secret from Connor as well. It wasn't the only reason, of course. My mother was very persuasive while explaining to me why nobody can know about it.

It has been three days since I've seen Connor the last time and although I was thankful that my mother hasn't forbidden me to meet him I felt weaker every day which made it hard for me to think about anything else except going through another day with a smile on my face and pretending to be fine.

"You look so much better today." My mother said after a long period of silence while we were having breakfast. I noticed that Richard was gone.

"Thank you." I've looked in a mirror after I woke up and I knew that was not true but she has probably just wanted to make me feel better about myself.

"Are you wearing any makeup? Your face is so shiny..." She smiled while admiring my face.

"No." I answered shortly praying that would be the end to our conversation.

"Oh, you..." She smirked. "You always have to keep your little secrets for yourself, don't you? Okay, I won't ask you anymore." She looked at me like I just made a joke with her but my face was completely serious.

After a few more moments of awkward silence I had to ask her why her fiance wasn't with us.

"So where's Richard?"

She seemed like that question surprised her and almost choked on her food coughing her lungs out. When she got back together she took a sip of the water.

"Richard? Why do you ask?"

"No reason. I'm just curious. Weren't you guys supposed to get married soon?"

"Oh, that... Well, it's not going to happen." Now I was the one who was surprised, but in a good way. Although Richard wasn't very talkative and didn't even give me a chance to make a good or bad impression on me I still got very excited after finding out that he was gone.

"Why?"

"Why do you care?" It was obvious that this was a painful subject for her. "Celestia, I am not in a mood for this kind of conversation this early in the morning. You should just mind your own business!" I've rarely seen her this angry because she always tries to stay professional, even when talking to me because she was my manager. And she didn't want to get wrinkles so she almost never showed any kind of facial expression.

"Alright. I'm sorry I asked." I lowered my head.

"No, I... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you. The reason we broke up is... He cheated on me." I looked at her face and there was still no pain visible on her face, which was a sign that it was buried somewhere deep inside. "Are you happy now?"

"No. Why would I be happy about that?"

"I don't know. Maybe because it is your goal to ruin my life?"

"Wh-what? Are you saying I am the reason your relationship didn't work out?"

"That is exactly what I am saying! You are the reason for every break up I've ever had since the day you were born! It is because of you and your problems that I didn't have time to focus on Richard and give him the attention that he wanted. What else was he gonna do but cheat on me with his student?"

"Mom, if he ever loved you he would never even think of another woman."

"You don't know what you're talking about. But how would you? You're still a child. You'll realize some things when you grow up."

"What is it that I need to realize? That I am the cause of all of your problems?!" I got up of my chair scared of the angry look in her eyes because I have never done this before. "Guess what?! I didn't ask for this to happen to me! I didn't ask to be sick! And I didn't ask for you to be my mother because God knows I'd never chosen you!" I screamed and got away from the table.

She stood up so fast that she shook the table and caught my wrist.

"Really? You wouldn't choose me? Oh, Celestia, that just breaks my heart! I'm sorry you don't get to choose your mother. But I had a right to choose! I had a right to choose to give birth to you or to abort you! I was only 17 when I had you. That's younger than you are now. And I had a right to choose, between my life, success... All the things I ever wanted, and you. And I chose you!"

"How many times will you keep telling me that story?"

"Until you hear it! Until you realize what I had to sacrifice in order to give birth to you, and eventually give you a life I could've only dream of. Stop being ungrateful!"

"I didn't ask for any of this! I'd rather have a normal life!"

"You will never be normal! That is just how it is." She looked outside through the glass door at the pool where our pool cleaner was, holding a big bucket in his hand. "Is that what you want?" She pointed at the maid sweeping at the corner of the backyard. "Or maybe that?"

"Yes. I want that. I want freedom."

"Oh, you are so stupid. That is no freedom." She laughed. "What you have, my dear, is called freedom. You just don't know how to cherish it."

"Well I don't want it!" I said determinedly.

"What exactly do you not want, huh?!" She squeezed my wrist tighter. "Do you always have to think about yourself? What about what I want?! What I wanted... I had my whole career ahead of me and the future looked bright for me but it all suddenly stopped. Because of you. You took fame away from me. You owe your whole life to me. You owe me to be successful!"

"I'm sorry, mom." I hugged her imagining myself in her position and wondering if I would have the strength to give up on my dreams for some mistake that was never supposed to exist.

She made me believe I was a mistake. But doing what she wanted me to do gave me a purpose. It was my way of paying her back for everything she has done for me.

And although she has told me about how she wanted to abort me a million times the story never felt so touching like this time.

I need to try harder in order to make her proud.