Our Inner Demons

Chapter 25

We often don't realize the weight we put on ourselves that comes with making promises to others. There are certain things that make me tremble with fear, one of them was definitely facing Connor and telling him I have leukemia.

"How are you feeling this morning, Cel?" Connor greeted me as I walked into the living room from his bedroom where I slept. He was supposed to sleep on his couch as he insisted but one look at his face was enough for me to realize he hasn't done much sleeping. "Are you any better?"

"Yes." I said taking a seat across from him. He was staring at his TV refusing to look at me probably because he knew how exhausted he looked. "What about you? How are you feeling?"

"Oh, me? You know me, I'm always fine." He chuckled while changing the program.

"I wouldn't say that. Have you slept last night at all?"

"Of course I did. I just woke up very early. What's wrong with that?" Now he looked at me but he knew that the state he was in was telling me he wasn't saying the truth.

"Nothing... okay then, if you're not gonna tell me what's up with you I'm gonna head home..."

"What? No, why?"

"Because you obviously don't trust me enough to tell me how you feel."

"I do trust you, it's just that... I'm afraid you're gonna think of me as weak. Or maybe even a loser."

"For saying how you feel? In my opinion, you're weak if you're unable to express your feelings. What is it, Connor?"

"It's kinda stupid..."

"Whatever it is, you can tell me."

"I was just thinking last night, and... I came to a conclusion... I am not sure about anything in this world right now. I'm telling you, Cel, I feel cursed. Like all of those insecurities I have are becoming a part of me."

"Would you like me to slap you then?" I asked.

"What?" He was confused.

"If I slap you, you will have one less insecurity. You will be sure of one thing. That getting slapped hurts. And that will be the first one of your insecurities that we have taken care of. Would you like to start right away?"

"You're crazy... But I like the way you're thinking. Still, I'm gonna pass."

"Okay then... It's your loss." He laughed. "I want to ask you something, if that's okay. About your addiction."

"Sure. What do you wanna know?"

"Well, I'm wondering if there is a possibility for you to ever start doing that again... I mean, the drugs..."

"Absolutely not."

"Are you sure? Because, I know you wouldn't be the first person having a relapse, and I know how hard it must be for you..."

"Listen to me, Cel. Taking drugs has made me miserable. It didn't last that long, only a couple of months, but it has brought me to the edge. Literally, I was about to jump off a cliff. So there is no way of me ever going back."

"Can you promise me that?" I wanted to make sure he always stays safe and healthy, even though maybe I won't be always by his side.

"Cel, I promise. You have my word."

"And what do you think about us? I mean, about our relationship?"

"I think it was easier to build a Chinese wall than it is for me to build a relationship with you."

"Well because when you place a brick onto another brick you eventually see a wall rising while I can never be sure if our relationship is growing or falling apart."

"What are you trying to say? That you don't want us to be together anymore?"

"No, oh God no, no, no... You didn't understand what I was trying to say. I would never want us to break up. Cel, I love you. This might sound like a proposal, but I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. I mean it."

"Well..." My eyes got watery so I looked up and started blinking to dry them before he notices. "You might not get a chance for that."

"What? What do you mean by that? So you're saying you want us to break up?"

"No, I don't, but... Something might put a long distance between us either we like it or not... A lot sooner than we could ever hope."

"Cel, now you're starting to worry me. What is this all about? Are you and your mother moving somewhere?"

"Well, not really... I guess it's only me."

"Where are you going?"

"I don't know how to tell you this, Connor. I have been keeping it a secret for such a long time and doing my best to hide it but still, you have noticed that something is wrong... I have leukemia."

First he opened his eyes wide in disbelief and then looked down at his knees. I wish I knew what he was thinking.

"H-how is that possible? I mean, why you of all people?"

"I never asked that question so I would prefer if you didn't either."

"But I have to. Are you sure you have it? That can't be..."

"I'm sure, Connor."

"Well what... I mean what did the doctors tell you about it? Are you gonna be okay?"

"They can't know that. Nobody can. The time will tell. But I have been feeling worse every day and that is why I knew I had to tell you. I know I won't be able to keep it a secret forever."

"This is just... Huh." His lips turned into a painful smile, the one that you would have while crying which might look like a smile by the position of your lips but the eyes would reveal it had nothing to do with happiness.

"I know. I was scared when I first found out too. But I guess it's not that bad. I mean, even if I die, I still get to prepare for it. It's definitely better than getting hit by a bus." I shrugged.

"Oh, Cel... Is there anything that could make you not look at the bright side? There is no bright side to this. And this isn't like that situation in the car yesterday. Even if we were out in the rain it would still eventually stop, while this disease will only stop when it stops... you."

"I know this is hard for you to process. I felt like I needed to tell you, not because I needed support or someone by my side, I can go through everything alone. But because you deserve to know."

"That's is... Thank you. I mean, for telling me." He seemed very stressed out, even more then he was when I first came. Maybe this was a mistake after all. He got up and went into his room. I knew I had to give him some time alone so after a few minutes I knocked on his room door only to tell him that I'm leaving.

"I have to go, but I'll see you tonight after work. Is that okay?"

He didn't respond making me very anxious.

"Connor?"

"Yeah, that's fine." I heard and let out a sigh of relief.

"Alright then, bye!"

Perhaps it would be selfish of me to demand any kind of attention from him instead of having him crawl up into his mind and keep all of his thoughts for himself. This was the first time I have seen him in this state. He was always so joyful and now seeing that happiness has vanished from his face was unbearable.

Perhaps all he needs is some time.