Our Inner Demons

Chapter 18

Laughter was echoing through the hills as Connor and I walked by the road holding onto each other. Neither of us knew where this path was leading us but we both knew that we weren't lost.

"Oh, this is the best day of my life." I noticed Connor's face turned red. It's probably been years since he laughed this much.

"Mine too." I said. Somehow I didn't think it was enough for me to just say that. He constantly kept showing me with small acts of kindness that he was actually in love with me, and he even said it out loud once. All I do is smile.

"Can I ask you something, Cel?" We sat down on a rock near the road unable to continue going further.

"Sure." He seemed so calm all of a sudden. I could never be sure if I was about to talk to a philosopher or a stand-up comedian. He definitely had more than one personality.

"Now that you know all there is to know about me. I mean, about my past and my struggle with drugs... Are you afraid of me?"

"Where did that come from?"

"I don't know, I have a feeling like instead of getting closer we're drifting apart. And I thought that might be the reason..."

"The only thing that scares me about you is that you feel like that part of your past is everything there is to know about you. I want to meet the real Connor. And I feel like I had only a glimpse of that. But even that glimpse was enough for me to..."

"To what?"

"I guess to fall in love with you."

"You guess?" He seemed as if even hearing this many words of affection from me was more than he ever hoped to get.

"I've read a book recently about relationships. It said that when someone falls in love quickly they usually end quickly as well. That's not what I want for us."

"Who wrote that book?"

"I don't know, some psychologist..."

"And he thinks we're doomed." I laughed.

"Well, he didn't exactly put it that way but yeah, pretty much."

"What if it was just the opposite? What if everyone else needed so much time because they didn't have real love?"

"But in the book, he says that..."

"I don't want to know what he says." He picked a small flower under the rock we were sitting on. It was swinging by the wind until he took it. "What do you say?"

I felt as if I have waited for this day to come for my entire life. But since I knew that my life expectancy could be a lot shorter now, I had no answer for him. Anything I say will be wrong.

Even if there was such thing as soul mates I would rather have him live fifty or even more years with someone he doesn't love deeply than to let him live a couple of months or a few years with me and then suffer for the rest of his life.

"Oh, Connor, I..."

"Will you be my girlfriend?"

I heard nothing from the outside world anymore. Not Connor, not the splashing sounds of the ocean beneath the hills, not even the distant cars driving who knows where. All I heard was buzzing for a few moments.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes..."

"Yes you're okay or yes you'll be my girlfriend?"

"Ugh, both..." I was staring at the road thanking God that buzzing in my ears lasted so much shorter than I expected.

"Are you serious?" He stood up. I stood up as well but not as enthusiastic and fast as he did.

"Yes, I mean... What do I have to lose?"

"Um, a lot actually, but we're not gonna get into that..." We kissed for the first time. I wondered how much of these we have left.

"See, that's exactly why I love you. You're funny, smart even though you're doing a really good job hiding it, and you're so kind to everyone."

"What about my good looks?"

"Okay, that definitely played a part too." I smirked and hugged him again. Now that I stood next to him with my hands wrapped around his head I felt as if no one could take me away from him, not even death. The middle of that empty road was the safest place on earth for us.

"And you don't think I am a bad person anymore?"

"I never thought that about you, Connor. Maybe you used to do drugs and others would see you as a bad person, someone else could've help poor people and others would see him as a good person. But neither of those has to be true."

"But... What makes us either a good or a bad person are our actions."

"Not out actions, but the actions that others know of."

"I don't really get that..." I put my hands down and we started walking back to his car, if it was where we left it.

"Let's say you were a doctor. Usually people would perceive you as a good person because they know that your job is to help people. But you could be robbing houses after work and as long as nobody knows about it you're a good person. But if you went to jail once, it doesn't even have to be your fault, you're a criminal and no matter how many good deeds you do after that people will always see you as a bad person and stay away from you."

"You're right. Maybe I'm letting it define who I am too much."

"I have a question for you too..." I felt as if what I had to ask him was more difficult for me than every talk he ever had with me about his past.

"Alright. I'm listening." I loved that he was prepared to answer questions all night if necessary and took my every word as a command.

"I mean... This might sound offensive, but... Are you only with me because I am a model? I mean, if I didn't look the way I do... Would you still be with me?"

"I'm with you because of who you are. And I'm aware that our bodies grow old day by day and I'm only getting uglier so my answer is no. I will always be with you no matter how ugly you get because you can never be as ugly as I am. I can only hope you're not expecting me to look this good forever too."

"If I didn't know you were joking I would've been very mad right now. Did you just say that I'm getting uglier?"

"I said we both were." I rolled my eyes.

"What about my money?" I looked him into his eyes because I knew that the true answer will come through his eyes, not his mouth.

"I'm not gonna lie, Cel. These questions really are kinda offensive."

"I'm sorry... I shouldn't have..."

"Not to me, to you... You just complimented me so much about my sense of humor, my kindness, and my brain and you think that you have no other qualities besides your looks and money? It hurts me that you think so low of yourself. You're so much more than that."

"Thank you." I felt an unknown sensation of tears gathering in my eyes and I wasn't even sad. Could these be the tears of joy everyone talks about?

"I'm serious, Cel. I can't even imagine life without you anymore. You're hurting me every time you're not wearing a smile on that face. So please stop doing that. For me."

"I'll try."