Our Inner Demons

Chapter 16

The morning after I returned from the party at Marty's house the first feeling I felt was nausea and an unbearable headache. If I didn't remember what we did last night I would come to a conclusion I drank so much that my brain is swimming in alcohol.

I knew that the cause of this pain and nausea was something very different, something that wasn't so easy to recover from. And because of that I was glad when I remembered I had the doctor's appointment today.

Getting dressed was harder for me each day but today I was so encouraged by the fact I will be getting the help I need so badly that I didn't even think about it being difficult, because I knew that the better days are on their way.

When I came down for breakfast my mom seemed to be in a hurry for some reason walking around like the floor was on fire. Suddenly she stopped when she noticed me at the top of the stairs and spoke to me while putting on her earrings.

"Finally! You're not gonna get far in your career if you keep waking up this late, you know!"

"But it's only 9 AM..." I said trying to recall if the number 9 was actually the number I saw on my alarm clock because even my vision got blurred.

"So? I know it's 9 but we have to be at the studio by 10. And you're not nearly ready as I can see." She shook her head.

"What do you mean? But you know that I have a doctor's appointment today..." I said hoping that she didn't give up on that as a possibility.

"I know, and that's why we're going to the studio this early so you can be free for the rest of the day. God knows how long they're gonna keep you there at the hospital."

"But I didn't even have breakfast..."

"Do you ever think about anything besides food?" She sighed. "Alright, I will get you something on the way there, just hurry up and get ready."

I went back into my room and tried to realize when this morning got the unexpected turn. But nothing could ruin this day for me because I was finally going to the doctor. My sudden joy for going to the hospital was worrying me since I always used to hate it.

Once we arrived at the photo studio the girls took forever to do my make up. Eventually when my mom got bored of staring at them with her arms crossed she took over and they left.

"Oh, look at yourself. What is this? You look like you haven't slept in days."

"What can I do about it?"

"You need to start taking care of yourself. No more going to the friend's house and staying there for half of the night. You're not just ruining your life here. Remember, I'm your manager. You're ruining both of us."

"I'm sorry. I'll try to get better sleep from now on. But honestly, I think it has nothing to do with sleep, I think it's because I have..."

"I told you not to mention that while you're at work! Someone could hear you! And then what? Boom, your career is gone! Just like that!"

"But there's nobody here, they can't hear us."

"Don't ever say that again. They hear your every move. They find out about everything. I'm only trying to protect you, my dear. Do you know what they would do if they found out about your state?"

"What?"

"They would throw a party!" She opened her eyes wide and spread her hands.

"Now you're exaggerating. Maybe girls wouldn't be so sad because they would be able to be in my place but I doubt they would go that far..."

"They would. Mark my words."

I imagined them eventually celebrating when hearing about my death and quickly came back to the present.

"There. You're all done."

I haven't looked like myself anymore. It was like my illness had her own personality that I started to resemble.

"Thanks." I stood up from the chair.

"Go out and kill it." She smiled.

It was not a secret that my job wasn't hard, at least it wasn't perceived that way by other people. But it definitely had its bad sides that I didn't enjoy and one of them was that I had to pose in front of the camera even when I felt like doing anything but that.

People usually take pictures when they are happy, at the moments they wish to remember like birthdays or wedding days... But I had to do it almost every day, and I definitely didn't feel happy every single day. Especially not in the last couple of weeks.

While I was changing positions suddenly my nausea that I tried so hard to suppress hit me and I gagged. The photographer was confused and put his camera down.

"Are you alright? Was that also the part of the posing or what? Because we're doing a magazine cover here..."

"No, I... I'm sorry, I'm not feeling very well."

"Then why did you come to work? There are other girls who aren't sick. If you're gonna come here and be gagging and throwing up while I'm taking your pictures then don't bother coming here at all. You're just wasting my time."

"I'm really sorry. I really am..." My legs got so weak that I fell down on the floor. Instead of rushing to help me the photographer put his hands over his head and walked around looking up in despair.

"And now this! Girl, what in the world are you trying to accomplish here?!"

"I'm honestly not okay... I..."

"Oh, please, stop lying to me. If you fainted you wouldn't have your eyes open and speak to me! What you girls wouldn't do for attention and to stand out... It's fascinating, I have to say."

"I'm not doing this for attention, I swear." I said while still feeling too weak to stand back up as my hands were shaking.

"Whatever. We're done here anyway. We have some nice material. You were pretty good, I have to say. Until you started making a fool out of yourself..." He went outside.

It took me forever to get back on my feet and when I did my mother came in.

"Why did I just hear the photographer laughing while saying your name? Is there any way you can explain this?"

"I just... It's because of... Ugh, forget it. You wouldn't understand anyway. You never do."

"What is it that I don't understand, Celestia? Have you told him about your condition?"

"No."

"I don't believe you."

"Mom, I haven't told him anything about it, okay? And even if I did he certainly wouldn't be laughing about it because no matter what you think that is not a way people behave when they hear about other people suffering. At least not normal people..."

"Oh, so now you're calling your mother crazy. Good job, Celestia."

"I didn't say you were..."

"You know what I should do now, huh? I should leave you here alone so you can take a taxi and go to your doctor's appointment all alone. But I'm not gonna do it, and you know why? Because I care about you, that's why!"

"If you cared you would've done it a long time ago."

"You're really pushing my buttons here, Celestia. I've had enough. I'll wait for you in the car." She shut the door behind her.

At this moment I wasn't that excited about going to the doctor's office anymore. I wasn't excited about anything. All I wanted was this agony of a disease to end. And I knew there were only two ways it could end. I didn't care which one it was as long as it ends.