The next couple of days were rough, I’ve decided to stop taking my pills.
I figure if I can just have a couple of days of pure clarity I can assure myself that I’m doing the right thing.
Besides I like myself a lot better when I’m not on my medication, my mood swings disappear and I feel semi normal.
However it comes with a price, my delusions have been keeping me up at night and every morning I awake covered in black charcoal.
Lately I seem to be drawing the same things.
I sit cross legged on my bed and begin to look through them, something I don’t normally like to do.
A drawing of a curly haired dog with huge greedy eyes and slobbery lips reminds me a lot of Henry, crumpling the paper up in my hands I decide to throw that one away.
I have no need to look through the rest of the sketches because I know they are all of Ed.
Paper covers my bedspread, all with the portrait of a boy with friendly eyes, deep dimples and a messy head of hair.
Looking down at them makes my chest begin to ache, it was like having a packet of smokes waved in front your face while you’re trying to quit.
I begin to scramble up all the drawings into a pile and place them neatly underneath my bed, tucked away from sight.
These past couple of days with Ed haven’t been as awkward as I first thought they would be, probably because we were never alone together and we haven’t been since that morning in the rain.
We talk to each other but it feels like there is so much left unsaid between us and our friendly conversations always feel so forced. Sometimes I fear we will never really get back to normal.
This weekend should certainly be interesting enough, Matt thought it would be a good idea for us all to go camping tomorrow night in the woods.
I wasn’t nervous about the camping part but I am worried that the group might be up to something. I can’t shake the feeling that it’s all a part of some big plan to push Ed and I back together, then again that could just be my paranoia talking.
My thoughts were suddenly interrupted as my mother walks through my bedroom door, she gives me a sympathetic smile and leans against the door frame.
“Dinner’s ready Loren, it’s your favourite. I made spaghetti bolognaise.”
I shake my head and look down to the floor, double checking that my drawings were out of her view.
“No thanks, I’m not hungry.”
I look back up to my mother and notice her mouth twitching nervously, this was always a sign she was about to give me a lecture.
“Well… in that case, I best take you shopping on the weekend.”
I take a second to think about what she said and look at her confused.
“I find it hard to believe any of your clothes still fit you. You haven’t eaten in days Loren and I’m starting to worry. You look like you’re wasting away.”
I took offense to this, but I could see where she was coming from. I just haven’t had any sort of appetite for a while now, to keep my mother happy I smile at her and begin to lie.
“I had a really big lunch today that’s all, I’ll be down in a minute ok”
Her face relaxes and she gives me an approving nod before heading out.
I turn to the mirror and take a good look at my appearance, something I haven’t done for a while now. My mother was right, I did look unhealthy.
My tan was beginning to fade away and my weight had plummeted, I have never been this thin before and I could see why people were worried about me.
My collarbones were prominent and my ribs were almost visible, suddenly I could feel my belly rumble. The thought of spaghetti made my mouth water and for the first time in a long time I genuinely wanted to eat.
I threw my blonde hair up into a pony tail and begin heading down to the dining table.
——————————————————
The final bell of the day rang out loudly, letting me know that my last detention was starting just as everyone’s weekend was.
I walk towards the library and take a seat in the back row, the rooms slowly begins to fill up and I notice Ed walking in. I look at him and give a small smile, he nods at me then comes to take his seat beside me.
“Hey so Vinny said they will swing by our houses at six to pick us up.”
I smile at him while taking out my pen and paper.
“Okay great, I got all my stuff together last night so I’m all ready to go, what about you?”
He nods at me and leans his elbows on his desk, holding his chin up with his fists.
“Yeah I’ve got everything I need on me”
I take a look at Ed’s bulging back pack and admire his preparation.
“Well if you have all your stuff on you, maybe you should just come to mine when were done here? It will save them from having to drive to two places instead of one.”
Ed looked at me through the corner of his blue eyes and he smiled.
“I can do that”
The teacher on detention duty walks in then, hushing everyone and taking his seat at the front of the room.
I drum my fingers slowly on my desk in boredom and I notice Ed’s arm falls onto his own table, Our skin was slightly touching and I could feel the hair on my arms stand on end.
Throughout the one hour long detention our arms gradually moved closer to one another’s, I yearned to take his hand in mine but I don’t have the courage anymore. After that kiss in the car park I’ve been too afraid to try something like that again.
I watch the clock finally reach five o’clock and everyone immediately jumps from the seat and heads out the door, eager to start their own weekend.
Ed and I begin the walk to my place and I smile as he holds the gate open for me.
For some reason I was feeling incredibly nervous so I pull out a cigarette and offer him one, he passes me his lighter and his hand lingers on mine for a moment.
I really thought he was going to keep it there until he pulled it away to zip up his jumper.
“Are you excited about tonight?”
I nod at him enthusiastically.
“Yeah I am actually, it will be nice to be out of my room for once.”
Ed chuckles and I notice his bag making a loud clinking noise every time he took a step.
“What’s the noise coming from?”
He looks at me and fastens his guitar strap over his shoulder.
“Oh, that. It’s just the beer for tonight.”
I wrinkle my nose at the thought of alcohol.
“Is everyone going to be drinking?”
He nods and I can already feel my stomach churn.
We reach my house and out of old habit I begin to lead him up to my room, halfway up the stairs I realise what I’m doing but I figure it would be awkward to turn back now.
Dumping my bag onto my bedroom floor I begin to quickly tidy up as Ed takes a seat on the end of my bed.
He didn’t seem uncomfortable at all, in fact he seemed happy to be here which put my mind at ease.
I begin throwing my dirty laundry into the hamper and turn around to see Ed unfolding a piece of crumpled paper.
It took me a second to remember what it was, I drop what I’m doing and leap over to my bed.
“Don’t look at that!”
I jump on top of Ed and reach out for the paper, he swiftly hides behind his back and lets out a laugh.
“Why it’s just a drawing of a dog isn’t it?”
I realise then that Ed wouldn’t know what it really was to me, that it was a dark memory I was trying to cope with.
“Oh yeah.. I guess.”
I relax then and let out a small sigh of relief, only to feel my body tense up again as I realise I’m currently straddling Ed. His face dangerously close to mine, I could feel his sweet breath on my lips and it sent shivers down my spine.
I jump backwards and stumble onto my feet.
“Sorry.”
Ed leans back onto his elbows and shrugs at me.
“That’s alright, I didn’t mind.”
He gives me a cheeky grin and I feel my face going red, I turn away from him and walk over to grab my guitar, I take a seat on my bed next to Ed and softly begin strumming some simple chords.
We spent the rest of the hour showing each other different chords and eventually I put my guitar down, I lie on my belly and get comfortable as I stare up at him.
“What?”
He asks me curiously, I raise my eyebrows and give him a small grin.
“Play me something”
He shakes his head and looks down.
“Nah you’ve heard all my stuff anyway.”
I widen my eyes and begin to pout.
“Come on play something, please?”
He sighs and begins to strum something that I know I haven’t heard before.
“Shock horror I’m down, lost you’re not around. There’s a lump in my chest that sends cold through my head and my mind shuts sound out, I’m auto pilot and my tongues gone silent.”
I swallow nervously and watch him spill out his feelings to me through song, he was good at doing that.
“I don’t know when I lost my mind, maybe when I made you mine. I don’t know when I lost my mind, maybe it was every time you said, you said that I miss you.
More than you know, I kissed you for far too long. I’ll let go as soon as you do, see I know were not through.”
The sound of a loud car horn interrupted Ed’s song, I stood up slowly and looked out the window. Vinny’s white van was waiting out front and I could see the rest of the group ready to go.
“We better get going”
Ed said while putting his guitar back in his case, we both collected our stuff and headed down stairs and out onto my driveway in silence.
“Hurry up guys, let’s get going!”
Vinny’s booming voice could be heard with all the car windows up, Ed and I began packing our stuff into the already full car before finally taking our own seats.
“Where’s Jade and Matt?”
I ask curiously as I fasten my seat belt and listen as Holly begins to answer my question.
“There just parked on the street, we’re going to follow them there. Matt knows where were going to camp.”
I nod and we slowly pull out from my drive way as begin the short journey to our camp and I begin to replay Ed’s lyrics in my mind as I stare out the window.
“I’ll let go as soon as you do, See I know were not through.”
