Joonie || NamBTS

7) "I know"

Warning: Heavy angst ahead. After this, there won't be any warnings so that it'll be more anticipating.
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He stood there. Eyes blurring with tears. Didn't let them fall. Didn't deserve it. Looking at the mirror, a mocking laugh left him as he stared at his own reflection. Who was he? He didn't know. Or perhaps, just didn't want to know.

Ashamed. That's what he was. Ashamed of himself. Ashamed of how he dragged everyone down with him. Ashamed of thinking he was deserving of comfort. Ashamed of his other side. Ashamed of being happy at the fake compliments. Ashamed of the way he looked.

Ashamed. He was. Of everything.

He glanced down at his thighs. Soft skin splitting out the crimson fluid looked so beautiful. The view, so peaceful. As thick liquid moved down, he looked up again.

He ached to spill his emotions, the secrets he had bottled up. His chance of being voiced that he never wanted to take. The lights shine at his once gleeful face, illuminating. He felt empty. Devoid.

He yearned to change that moment. That final moment before he'd forget all about love. Love, that he once had for himself. Love, his lovers poured. Love, from his endless family. He'd forget. The love he once held in his entire being, his entire self, would disappear. Fade away. The love that left him. Left his wounds open, bleeding in the still air.

Everything burns. His eyes. His chest. His heart. He hopes to encase these fast, fleeting minutes. Grab time by it's eager feet and, stop it. Before it's too late.

But he can't.

Devoid. That's what he felt.

Time gave no mercy. Or was it it's mercy? He wanted to get it over with. Stop hurting himself. Stop the desperation. The burning suffocation and desire for love. But that would be selfish. He wasn't that. He wouldn't cause others pain just because he himself, was hurting.

He wanted to say something. Pour his heart out before he forgets how to do it. But his words got stuck in his throat. Suffocating him. He told himself to stop. Stop talking before he even started. He didn't want to talk anymore. Wanted to cry. To scream. To burn. And...

Let himself break.

Time's such a cruel thing. When he begged it to slow, it hastened. And now that he cried for it to go faster, it slowed down, mocking.

His gaze shifted on his feet for a moment before he looked back up at his reflection. He almost broke. Almost set himself to flames. His vision was blurry with unshed clear pearls but he forced himself to stop from blinking. Forced himself to stop getting out and pouring his heart out before his lovers.

They'll mock him. Laugh at him. He knows. He didn't want to expose himself. And show everyone what he really feels. What he should've said, the first time he felt this way.

Unloved. The smile he offers himself, is plastic. Fake. His smile would've looked real, though. If those crescents and the deep dimples were present. The shaking of his lips was prominent. Noticeable. The lack of sincerity in his eyes was noticeable even under the shadows that somehow, only he's able to see. When he felt his reflection give him a smile, it startled him. It wasn't cold nor mean. Rather sad. And he hated it. Every inch of his being shivered.

His dam breaks.

He let himself go. The tears breached the line he had set, the feeling poured out of his eyes without control, falling off of it's threshold.

He burned. He burned from the inside. He felt as he had been set on fire. The scarlet on his honey skin long forgotten.

He felt everything he hoped he never would. Never really knew, his world will collapse so early. He was still young and immature and he already wanted to give up.

Pathetic. That's what he was.

On the other side of his famous self, stood his weak self, it was a bit dangerous. It kept coming back again from time to time. Never he thought this could be something more serious.

He erased those times. The once when he had felt happy. The memories of being cherished. Being loved.
 
He didn’t wanna cry. Didn't wanna rest. No. He didn't wanna lose. His heart was deserted. He couldn't tell this to anyone.

He sighed. But in that sigh, lots of worries were hiding. He wanted to stop thinking about those, he already knew it all. In the middle of that moment, he just wanted to give up.

No matter how hard he wanted to give up just then, he just couldn't bring himself to do it. Not when he knew he didn't deserve being free. Free of himself. His demons. His faults. His imperfection and his mistakes. He didn't deserve it. Never would. But, he could hold out a little longer. Stay, just a little longer. Smile, just a little longer. Until there would be a day where he would have to say his goodbyes. He wanted the day to come fast but at the same time he wanted it to come as slow as possible.

He wanted to feel the amount of pain  he deserved. He wanted to feel every inch of it. Every little cut, every hurtful word. He wanted all of it. And embrace it. It's what he deserved.

Smiled, that's what he did when he felt that similar pain in his heart. The one which wrenched his whole body and woke up from his sleepless sleep. The one which reminded him of all the hurtful words he had ever heard.

His smile grew wider, not quite reaching his eyes. He looked psychotic. There was an evil glint in his eyes as he heard that familiar voice. And precious tears fell as he heard those heart-wrenching lies, that he assumed to be plain truths. It was harsh. Anyone could cry watching the once happy leader, smiling so brightly that it lit up everyone's day. The moon, the stars, everyone wept as they witnessed his precious soul slowly breaking, torn apart. Shred by shred. Until he couldn't make out who he was anymore.

That voice. That voice stuck in his once untainted mind and made him believe what he never was. He heard them all, tears running down his celestial orbs as he smiled.

"I know".