"B-but they love me!"
"Or maybe they don't."
A NamBTS Fanfic💜
Started: May 20th, 2019
Completed: Feb 2nd, 2020
NOTE: I do not own any characters. All the characters are either fictional or their names are used for story purpose. Some of the scenes...
"I'm sorry... I-I can't...", namjoon mumbled out with a broken voice, unable to look into any of their eyes.
He heard it. A deep breath being inhaled and then exhaled shakily. A hand was suddenly placed on the small of his back as he flinched before relaxing down as he noticed it was just taehyung.
"It's okay, We-", he took a deep breath again before shaking his head, smiling and continuing, "We understand. Really", he assured.
Namjoon smiled back tiredly, the lack of energy making him dizzy. He wasn't assured a bit that was for sure.
Guilt.
That's what he felt. Of course he did. He looked at each of them with teary eyes and the way they looked back with pleading, almost desperate eyes.
Namjoon's hands trembled as he settled them on his lap. His throat felt dry as if he was about to throw up.
"Joon, can you at least think of joining bts again?", came hoseok's voice. "We need you, joonie", seokjin said. "Yes, we need you so much. Bts would be nothing without you". He didn't know who said that. He couldn't differentiate the voices anymore.
His eyes were becoming blurry by the second and it was getting harder to breathe.
"Water," he whispered, as he got up and then hurried off to the kitchen.
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He couldn’t hold it in. He grabbed the edge of the sink, trying his hardest to hold himself. To calm down. But still, large tears rolled down his cheeks and crashed on his hand. Shit. It was happening again.
A hand came from behind and landed gently on his shoulder, still managing to startle him. He screamed, resulting the glass to fall down and shatter into millions of pieces.
“Shit, joon , are you okay? Look at me!". Seokjin. It was seokjin. The worry in his voice was so prominent that it made namjoon choke up because of guilt and worthlessness.
He shook his head. His knuckles were white and his hands were hurting from how hard he clutched the sink. But he didn’t have any strength left. He couldn’t fight back anymore. So, he turned back. Seokjin immediately cupped his cheeks, taking in the tears streaming down his face.
"What’s wrong, baby? Please, talk to me, to us. Please…", he said gently.
Baby. Another sob ripped from Namjoon's throat, and he burst into large tears. He didn’t look away. He couldn’t. Seokjin was looking at him. Finally looking at him. He was worried. He was caring. It made namjoon cry harder.
After all those months of making him feel like he didn't matter, why was everyome suddenly different? Why were they suddenly apologizing, ready to do anything to bring him back?
"Why- Why was it not the same before? Why did you treat me like that, hyung?", he cried, "all of you..", he trailed off, soft cries tumbling out of his lips as he looked at everyone. They were worried. The were concerned when just months ago they'd left him to himself.
"why..."
It was the only word he managed to let out before losing the shaky grasp he had on his control. The dam broke and he burst in more tears, burying his face into his hands. He let go and lost himself in the pain he was drowning in. It was numbing.
Seokjin was panicking. Hell, everyone was panicking. They were all surrounding the two, careful to not step on the broken glass.
Seokjin didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what was going on. Everything was perfectly fine a few moments ago, and now his baby was a miserable mess.
As all his thoughts were trying to embrace his mind, his instincts kicked in immediately, not waiting for his brain to understand, as he gathered the sobbing boy in his arms, holding him tightly against his warmth.
"Hyung-","shhh", seokjin cut yoongi before he could utter any other word. Yoongi nodded slowly, trying not to worry the youngest rapper even more.
"I'll clean this", Jimin said as he looked at the glass shards and ran to the store room to get the cleaning supplies. Taehyung followed him quickly.
Namjoon was taller than seokjin. But in his arms, he always felt tiny. At this very moment more than ever. Tucked in his embrace, face buried into his neck, Joon felt especially small and fragile. Breakable. Maybe broken already. Seokjin hated it.
He could hear a low mumble, shaken up by sobs, and when he leaned down to hear it more clearly, he felt sick to the stomach, his heart sank and he bit down on his lips, worry evident in his eyes as he looked at the younger.
"'M sowwy, sowwy, so sowwy…"
It was like a mantra on Namjoon's lips. And all of them felt powerless. Images from months ago were coursing through their minds.
Namjoon crying and mumbling apologies, trying to explain everything and they just let him be. Let him sobbing on the floor of this very living room. All own his own.
Tears flowed down Jungkook's cheeks as he looked at Namjoon's broken state, it was heartbreaking. His hyung was there for him when he cried but he couldn't do anything in return. So he just stood there crying as hoseok took him into his warm embrace. Yoongi patted Jungkook's shoulder.
Seokjin didn’t like it at all. Full of dark thoughts and bad memories. He felt like he was holding the same insecure and anxious boy from weeks ago who he had met at the hospital. What happened suddenly? Everything was going well then why did namjoon panic-
"Shit! He's having a panic attack", yoongi whisper yelled which sounded clear as fuck. Seokjin looked at him with a pointed glare and the second eldest mumbled an apology.
Namjoon shrank into the eldest even more as he held onto him for dear life. Seokjin quickly manueverd namjoon on top of the kitchen counter, carefully dodging the glass shreds.
Just then, Jimin and taehyung came out, cleaning everything as they could. They all surrounded the two leaders as soon as everything was out of the way. They weren't very close, in fear of making namjoon panic even more.
Seokjin's hands came to rest on Namjoon's thighs naturally. He started drawing random patterns on Namjoon's thighs with soothing caresses.
Namjoon was still crying, harsh brutal sobs tearing out of his chest as he tried pulling back from seokjin asked if he was suddenly struck by some factual realization. Seokjin didn't let go. Not again.
Namjoon started babbling incoherent words through his tears, his voice unbelievably wet and gloomy, filled with sadness and misery. Needless to say, it broke everyone's heart.
Jimin suddenly entered both of their space, nodding reassuringly when jin gave him a questioning look. He took a hold of Namjoon's wrists, gently prying his hands away from his face. Some resistance was put up at first but soon, namjoon was falling limp against him and seokjin, hiccupping, tears streaming down his face.
They didn’t react when a new hand threaded through the boy’s raven hair, careful to keep their focus solely fixated on their dimpled moonchild. They didn’t want to fuck anything up anymore.
Suddenly namjoon started speaking through huge sobs again, only this time, startling everyone for reason other than his cries.
