Joonie || NamBTS

24) "I'm fine"

Tae, did Tae really hate him that much? To say he was annoying and weird. Jungkook felt like his chest was burning as he picked up the speed, his legs ached and the sweat that poured down his skin made him prickly and uncomfortable. He was used to working out so much but this was out of his limits. He couldn't breathe.

Did tae and Jimin find his presence useless? Did they know that Jungkook wasn’t worth all of their time? Had he found out the truth the others tried so hard not to see for the sake of his feelings? The fact that Jungkook was a useless member, a bad singer, a bad dancer, and just an overrated motherfucker in general? Did they really know?

They didn’t mean it. They didn’t mean it at all. It couldn't be. They were one of the nicest people he’d ever met, They were his fucking boyfriends goddammit! They would never actually think that. Jungkook isn’t weird, Jungkook isn’t a creep, Jungkook isn’t annoying. Jungkook's not weird.

"I’m fine, I’m normal, and I’m happy. No one hates me, everyone loves me, I’m perfectly okay..." he trailed off, trying to convince himself. It was something he got quite accustomed to doing when the endless thoughts circled his mind like hungry vultures, ready to prey. But this time it didn’t feel the same, the positive thoughts didn’t so much but push the feelings down a little deeper to the point of them hurting his chest. It was getting cloudy, hot and quite blurry.

He checked his phone, it was 1 in the morning, he had been at the gym for like, 5 hours, nothing too crazy. Not like how his Namjoon used to disappear until sunrise at the gym.  Jungkook’s arms began to shake as he walked away from the weights. His entire body hurt, but Namjoon's had probably hurt worse. And Jungkook had just paid no mind, he noticed how Namjoon- his sweet little omega, his kind boyfriend would spend longer in his room than usual.

Why hadn’t he said anything? What the fuck was wrong with him? He didn't know. He didn't want to know. Didn't want to drown in an endless ocean of guilt and shame.

Jungkook walked back to the treadmill and set it to a speed that he struggled with, he wanted to feel the labored breaths and burning heart ache as blood rushed throughout his body and his leg muscles began to cramp. He wanted the dizzy, queasy feeling, that he thrived on so often nowadays, to never leave. He deserved the feeling on pain, feeling faint, the sticky sweat gathered on the surface of his paler than usual skin.

Sad songs by Eric Nam were playing in the background. He liked to think that he was listening to them because he liked them. But truth be told, he wanted it to hurt more. Wanted the words stab his heart like little sharp, shiny needles of guilt. All songs that reminded him of his boyfriend who was now in his childhood home, probably at peace. He probably never wanted to see them again. Jungkook couldn't blame him. He understood why he wouldn't.

Jungkook wanted to scream at his old self for ignoring Namjoon's silent cries of pain, he wanted to punish himself for the many mistakes he’d made that led his hyung to a hospital, to a place he never deserved to go. It was unbearable, the pain he felt in his chest. But the pain in his body, he could manage, he could control this physical part of him. That was nothing. That was easy.

Suddenly, he fell flying over from the treadmill onto the floor directly. His leg turned awkwardly as he screamed because of the sudden hot pain. Everything went silent. Jungkook took deep breaths trying to control the tears that arose in his eyes, he looked around the gym one last time to confirm no one else was there. Shaking, he stood walking slowly over to his backpack reaching for a bottle of water to stop himself midway crouching on the floor next to his bag.

Namjoon hyung probably didn’t drink water when he reduced himself to the flickering fluorescent lights of the gym at 2 in the morning. What made him think he deserved any better? He was lucky Namjoon wasn’t dead because of him, if Namjoon had cut deep enough he could’ve died and it would be all his fault. He had fucking almost killed him. He still remembered how his hands had covered themselves in red bloody liquid as Namjoon's body had fallen limp in his arms, unable to handle the constant torcher anymore.

If his boyfriend died he would have to hurt himself, in fact he had to hurt himself anyway, seeing as it was his fault his hyung was cutting himself in the first place. Beating himself up and drowning in his self hatred. All because Jungkook hadn’t said a word and been a douche, he threw the plastic bottle against a wall with a shrill scream. The opened bottle whipped water across the floor and Jungkook’s body.

In a last ditch effort to get rid of the aching feeling in his chest he used his his sprained leg to kick the floor. Pain radiated hot and searing from his foot to his knee and his whole leg making him hiss. It was his fault. It was all his fault. His boyfriend- that's when he realized. He realized that he had been stressing Namjoon as his boyfriend when he was the one who broke it all up with him.

He recalled the hurt on Namjoon's face. His silent tears as he practically begged them to listen to him. To forgive him. Forgive him for something he never did. Namjoon didn't deserve that. The pain jungkook caused him, must've been unbearable that namjoon had to chose his physical pain as a therapy for the aching in his young heart.

He deserved to fucking die.

Jungkook’s own thoughts surprised him. He hadn’t felt so upset with himself since his so many years of living.

It scared him.