Joonie || NamBTS

22) And you're not here

If you're quiet, the world will eventually fade and all that will be left is you and your soul.

All you need to do is pretend it isn’t happening and focus on one thing, even the smallest thing. Even when you focus on things like that small sewed line on your sleeve, eventually nothing else will exist and you can escape forever.

Everyone was home, except namjoon. It had been a month without namjoon. And two weeks since namjoon was gone to his childhood home. 'I'm sorry but I don't think he would want to be back with you guys, you don't have to disband though, you're good on your own', his mother had said.

And jungkook couldn't blame her or namjoon for thinking like that. Of course, namjoon wouldn't want to come back again. It was officially informed to fans what had happened and that namjoon would not be back for quite a while. And surprisingly enough, they understood the situation in hand.

Though, it wasn't officially mentioned that namjoon wouldn't be in bts anymore, everyone had accepted it themselves. It was obvious and they weren't dumb to not realize.

Namjoon leaving had really broken them all. They didn't look like a team anymore, lovers was a far different point. They didn't talk to each other, didn't smile, didn't come out of the room, nothing. The guilt was eating them inside.

And jungkook was no different.

The only difference was, he was the most affected by all this. Being the youngest, he had always been babied, his lovers had always been there for him whenever he needed. So them not being there this time round had left a huge impact on him.

From the very start, he had learned to live with bts. They were his everything. Thinking about leaving any of them was beyond scary to him. He couldn't think of it. Didn't want to think of it. And never really got the chance to think of it. But now that it was happening, it all felt too real, too much, and he was too vulnerable.

He couldn't go to Jin to talk. Neither Jimin, not taehyung. He knew they would listen but at this point, he also knew that they wouldn't be able to comfort him because they were all fighting with themselves.

If namjoon was there, he would've gone to him and cried his heart out until he would've fallen asleep, only to have namjoon kiss him softly in his sleep, mumbling comforting words in his ear. 'My life is hell and you're not here to get me through it all', this became the only thing he thought with each passing day.

Hoseok was always in his room, either sleeping or working on new music. His usual sunshine persona crumbling behind the clouds of agony which caused his heart to shiver and writhe under the unbearable, cruel rain of pain and suffering. And it hurt Jungkook because he couldn't be his umbrella to shield him from the rain until the clouds subsided and the rainbow of new hopes, until namjoon, showed up again.

Yoongi's situation wasn't any different. He was always always in the studio, not always making music but either sleeping or staring at Namjoon's picture at his computer desk. He acted like he didn't care, like nothing affected him but his desperate cries for namjoon whenever he was alone, or he thought he was, told jungkook otherwise.

Jimin started being alone, reducing himself to fainting in the dance studio more often than not. Taehyung started drinking more even when he was a lightweight. He hung out with his other friends outside of bts and tried forgetting about everything. As expected, it never worked.

Now, the person who was left excluding himself was Jin. The alpha leader had taken the role of bts's unofficial leader for the time being. He tried acting as optimistic as he could. Always acted as if his life didn't stop without namjoon. Being as cheerful, as flirty, as bashful in award shows and interviews, he thought that no one would notice how he was struggling, how much it pained him to carry the burden of being a leader of a group, of a broken one nonetheless.

And then there was jungkook. Nothing changed with him after the exit of Namjoon from their life, or atleast he made everyone believe so.
He was just the same, as if nothing ever happened! And it was getting annoying to everyone.

It wasn't like jungkook was assuming it. He had heard Jimin the other day. 'Jungkook is acting as if nothing's wrong and it's creeping me out, tae', he had said. To which tae had responded, 'I'm sure he's alright, jimin. We love him, I'm sure he'll come to us if something's wrong', Jungkook had felt a glint of hope but it was crushed with the next words that left taehyung's mouth. 'He has always been weird and annoying, that's how he is'. And jungkook was broken all over again. His chest pained as he overheard the conversation. He never really thought he was annoying or wierd. Sure, he loved to joke around and prank with his boy-friends but he never once considered that it was starting to annoy them. Still, he made them believe that there was nothing wrong with him. He was dying from inside, but he wasn't aware of it himself.

He still ate like he had been starved, still went to the gym, still went practice, still woke up earlier than others, still got excited about new music videos, still danced to Justin Bieber, still played games for hours and still skipped around the house, disturbing everyone. There was nothing wrong with him or the way he behaved. And for them, Nothing different = Nothing wrong.

The thing was, no one actually knew, he threw up everything he ate, went to the gym at random times of the day when they were too busy being pathetic and self-pitying. He didn't think he was doing anything wrong. It was more like a punishment for himself for being such a bitch to namjoon. And no one really minded, or cared for that matter.

But jin was the leader of their pack, the eldest too. He just knew something was wrong with jungkook.

One day when jungkook was going to the gym with his water bottle and wearing one of Namjoon's sweats, jin stopped him before he got the chance to slip out.

He stared at jungkook for quite a bit before he seemed to notice jungkook's, no, Namjoon's outfit.

"That's Namjoon's", he said plainly. Jungkook looked at his outfit before looking back up, "Uh huh", he replied shortly.

"Where are you heading to?", the elder asked. "Gym", he replied shortly again.

"Why?", jin asked, again. He was starting to irritate jungkook, he knew that but he needed to get what was bothering the maknae, out of his system.

"What do you mean why? I eat too much shitty food, I can't afford being unfit", he said frustratedly.

"Why are you eating so much food then?", jin wasn't going to lose so easily.

Jungkook looked at him as if he was a mad man. "Because I like it. Stop irritating me!", he said, being annoyed.

"What's wrong, kookie?", jin suddenly asked, voice calm and eyes softer.

Jungkook was stunned. He wanted to get out of there. He cursed his birth, why was this happening right now? He needed to work out, he had purposely not eaten today because he hadn’t worked out yesterday and ate too much food. He needed to fast for a few days and eat later but right now, he was standing here and wasn’t burning the calories he ate yesterday and he needed to fucking do something.

Instead of answering, he looked at his water bottle.

If you're quiet, the world will eventually fade and all that will be left is you and your soul.

All you need to do is pretend it isn’t happening and focus on one thing. A simple water bottle can become your biggest means of focus.