Through Chrissie's eyes

Fan of Smile (and their guitarist)

When the scholar year ended, I went back to my apartment that I shared with Jo. My vacation after that year's classes was over was quite different from what I had planned or imagined.

First, instead of spending the evenings watching the best movie that was on TV at the moment, or studying subjects I had seen in class, I would go to Smile shows, whether they were near or far from home. It was comfortable going to all the shows, since the boys always came to get us.

Second, me and Brian, and Jo and Roger saw each other pretty much every day. Which was good for our friends, who finally seemed to have settled on their relationship, since Joanne's crises were gone. They just kept sappy, which I now understood a little better. But Brian and I had the same shame of showing too much affection in public, which didn't necessarily mean that we were not united.

Outside of the shows, our encounters were simply staring the stars, I even learned the basics about galaxies, nebulae and constellations, things I didn't know about. Another thing we loved to do together was to see Doctor Who. Brian would comment on his theories in the middle of an episode and occasionally I had to say "ok Bri, now be quiet so we can understand what's going on." He gave me an embarrassed smile, and did as I asked. I was embarrassed to cut him off like that, but then I would always remind him of his theories and discuss together what would happen in the next few chapters. We were right about what would happen most of the time. And of course, one of the things I loved to do was watch the band rehearsing.

I was surprised when Brian invited me the first time to see a rehearsal.

"Don't you think ..." I hesitated, "that I'm going to mess up you guys? I don't know, I mean, I'm an outsider who has nothing to do with the band, watching when you miss a note or if you start to fight, it's going to be weird for me to see all this."

"And if you stay very quiet, almost as if you were not even there?" My boyfriend offered, giving me a smile that he knew he could get anything from me. "Chrissie, it's not strange that you're with us, we're always together , and you're part of that ... part of my life too."

"Wow" I managed to answer.

I was always touched by the way he considered me. In Brian's eyes I was so important and precious, much more than I considered myself.

"Did I say something wrong?" he grimaced, worried "don't feel obliged to go, if you don't want to, I don't want you to feel bad because of me ..."

"I ..." even then, after months of dating, I was afraid to say what I felt "I think you're perfect, Brian Harold May ... And you're very, very important to me too."

I finished what I said hugging him.

"So does that mean you're going to see the rehearsal or not?" He asked, without undoing the hug, I looked up, staring at his face.

"You convinced me and I'll go." I stood on tiptoe to kiss him.

So, I went to Smile's first rehearsal after Brian invited me, and I was right, I saw the boys wandering, bickering, fighting, arguing, changing, and remaking songs, and occasionally they would play tricks on me. Usually Brian laughed at Tim's jokes, and looked with a death stare at Roger for his jokes, which offended my boyfriend more than I was. I was already accustomed to their friendship, they played and bickered, but they were united.

And every Smile rehearsal I saw had a little of it all.

From the rehearsals, we went to the shows. Every bar and university that the boys managed to schedule, there we were, Jo and I accompanying them. Dating Brian and being a Smile fan were unexpected changes, but good changes in my life.

One night, we were in The Kensington again, where the boys would perform. As of the other times, they have arranged the instruments, I went there to give Brian our already traditional kiss of good luck. Then the show started.

I was always glazed to see Smile perform, watching them put their ideas and art into practice, but not everyone who saw them was like me. In that particular show I noticed people coming out of the bar, irritated, or dissatisfied with the band. When it came time to finish the show, Tim thanked him much less excitedly than he used to.

"Is everything okay, Tim?" I asked him when the boys came and sat with me and Jo.

"Chrissie, don't ask an obvious question," Jo scolded me.

"No problem, girls." He shook his head, always sympathetic. "It was not one of our best shows."

"It was really trash ..." Roger agreed, a bit grumpy.

"No guys, it's not that bad," Brian tried to raise the morale of the band, "we can't always please everyone.!

"Yeah, Bri, but excuse the sincerity," Tim told him. "It's been a while since we pleased the public."

"Look, it's still no reason to be like this" I followed my boyfriend's example of cheering up our friends "it was just a bad night, with a difficult audience, that's all. You are super talented and in the next show the public will love you, okay?!

"Thank you." Tim thanked my efforts. "I'm glad we have a fan like you, a real fan."

"You bet I am, my dear Tim," I smiled at him.

The boys were still a little annoyed at the repercussion of the show so we left The Kensington to eat somewhere else. What was always on our menu was pizza, which was no exception that night. We ordered a full four cheeses which we split together. At one point I saw Brian walk away, I knew he was still upset. Slowly, I followed him, letting him decide if he wanted to talk to me.

He noticed me and looked at me with a sad look. I hugged him aside. Brian snuggled me closer to him.

"It's at these times that I wonder if my father is right ..." he said without looking me in the eye.

"What about your father?" - I was confused, Brian always told good things about his father.

"He thinks being a band guitarist is a waste of time and I should focus on my studies, a real career," Bri explained to me, "and what happened today .... Well, validate my father a little bit."

"But you love to play, you told me yourself that this is an important part of your life, and if that's what you like, it should go on, one day maybe your dad will understand" I tried to comfort him.

"I don't know, I don't know if he would, or maybe it would be better just to be a scientist," Brian still whined.

I hated seeing him like this, devastated. It broke my heart and made me suffer with him. I turned, putting myself right in front of him and looking straight into his eyes.

"Music and science make you exactly who you are," I said in a steady voice, "and I ... I love you, just the way you are."

"You ..." Brian was startled, and now I began to wonder what I had done wrong.

"What?" I said in a high-pitched, frightened voice.

"I'm sorry to say that, but you know how much I notice things, and if I'm not mistaken," he paused, catching his breath, "this is the first time you tell me that you love me."

"Well, I ..." I resumed my courage. "I guess I just had got the courage to say it, but ... I love you, Bri."

He didn't answer me with words, but his look and his kiss said it all. The feeling was reciprocal.