Treading Water

12 - Bleeding Rivers

Authors Note: Mature audiences recommended, sexual reference is made.

I woke up alone in my own house for the first time in what feels like forever, and I'm still exhausted. I'm not quite sure how much sleep I actually got, but I know it wasn't much. I'd tossed and turned for hours, restless and weary. It didn't help that I'd chosen to sleep alone, but since I haven't opened up about my past too much yet I didn't feel it was right to lean on Arden. Not today, of all days.

I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling and wishing I had been braver, bold enough to tell him. Any night without him was hard, but god I wished he was here now. How was I going to get through today? What is wrong with me? We have been dating for three months now, and yet I still can't tell him what happened. I can't keep doing this, I don't want to risk losing him.

BEEP BEEP

Incoming Text - SAM - Hi Baby girl. Chin up this morning girl, Abi and I will be there in an hour. We'll bring breakfast, you just get yourself out of bed and maybe take a shower x

Outgoing Text - Thanks Sam x

Thank god for these two. I have never been more thankful than on days like today, to have Abigail and Sam. No questions asked, they're just always there. Granted, they know why I need them, and that is on me in Arden's case. He didn't question it too much when I'd said I would stay home last night; I mean he didn't like it but he respected my decision and knew not to push it. Had he known today marked the two-year anniversary of my Mother's death, he may not have been so quick to let me pull away from him.

I need to get a move on, throwing off my duvet it's time to head to my happy place, though not sure happiness will come easily today. Stepping into my shower, I feel numb and alone. I allow myself to close my eyes, the water running down over my head from the overhead shower unit, my mind choosing to return the last time I was actually home, the last shower I'd had was with Arden. It had been after his surprise visit to the studio, and we'd made a quick stop so I could shower and change before heading out for a late dinner. That was the plan anyway, but once inside we'd gotten a little distracted. Obviously, the idea of me being naked in the shower alone was too much for him to bear, because he'd come rushing into the shower at full speed, throwing me against the tiled walls hard. Every moment with this man takes my breath away, and let's just say in the moments that followed, he made sure to keep doing so.

Pressing my hands against those same tiles now, I drop my head down as I open my eyes, finally allowing the tears to flow freely. If my therapy with the good doctor has taught me anything, it's that I'm better to not bottle up my emotions. With every tear that rolls from my eyes, I feel another piece of my heart breaking all over again. I begin to feel overwhelmed with emotions, sadness, fear, loss, but mostly guilt and bit by bit they're all killing me. Dropping to the floor I curl myself up into a tight ball, shivers running through me even though the water from the shower is still hot. My body shaking horrendously as I recollect the memories of the weeks leading up to and after her death. All the what if's and why's, the regrets, the anguish, it all comes flooding through me creating a trail of bleeding rivers surrounding me.

I cry till I can't cry anymore. I huddle on the floor until my limbs are still, the shaking subsided. Hauling myself up off the floor, I make a decision to lift up my spirits and get dressed. That's what Mum would want. Switching off the shower, I wrap my hair in a towel and another around my body before wandering back to my room. After drying myself I wander into my walk - in closet, determined to find the perfect outfit. Mum loved life, she loved color, so I plan to wear it. I select one of my favorite jumpsuits, pink with deep pink, yellow and blue flowers on. The design is all wrong for this time of year, it's made in a lightweight fabric and barely anything covering my back, but it fits Mum's personality so that is what I am wearing.