Treading Water

13 - Ethereal Reflections

Authors Note : You know the drill!! R18+ recommended

Trigger Alert: This chapter does contain some subjects concerning death and suicide, please do not read this if it's of concern to you!  Please also ask for help, reach out to anyone who listen should you have any concerns or self harm thoughts.  You are not alone, and you are loved.

"Hi Mum. I brought someone along that I wanted you to meet. His names Arden, and ah, well he's pretty great. You would like him. He makes me feel safe again. He makes me feel beautiful. He's Irish, would you believe! ...... God, I wish you were here Mum, I miss you, I really, really miss you" I tried to hold out as long as I could, but now my voice begins to crack, my body is convulsing with the torrential downpour that is my breakdown. Arden, bless him is hanging back, allowing me the time to speak with her alone, but I could feel his tension build once my tears began. It was as if it was taking every fibre in his being to refrain from wrapping me in his solid arms until I was calm again, yet he knew I needed to do this.

"I'm....I am so, so sorry Mum. It's all my fault. I've tried to move on Mum, to be the person you wanted me to be, but I can't. This, you being gone. It wouldn't have happened if it weren't for me, if I hadn't.......I'm sorry, I am so, so very sorry Mum........I'm sorry" I drop to my knees, the pain of my memories too much to bear. The loss of my mother bears the mark of my single deepest regret. Decisions I had made, people I'd chosen, they led us to here, now. After two long, hard years, I still can't forgive myself, I want too but I can't.

I feel Arden's arms lifting me up, pressing me into his body. I can hear his voice, though I can 't hear the words. I feel like I'm under water, and something is pulling me down. I can't breathe, I can't move, all I can do is feel, pain and remorse, it's smothering me, more voices, panic but no words. What are they saying...what is happening?

SLAP!

"What the fuck" I scream, clutching at my face "ow, fuck that hurt"

"Ummmm, yea I am sorry Em babe, but you were having a panic attack and we all know Arden was not going to slap you, so well, I did. Fastest way I know how to bring you back" Sheepishly answering me is my dear Abi, and if I didn't know she was right, I'd be seriously pissed.

"Well, thanks, I guess" pretty much all I can muster at this point.

"Love, I am going to take you home now ok; I think you could use a rest" Arden, his arm still woven around me, giving me the strength to stand.

"Yea, you might be right" I nod back at him. Looking back over my shoulder I whisper "Goodbye Mum"

Arden practically carries me to the car, helping me in before driving me back to my place. We remain silent for the whole drive. He's probably realized I am a total nutcase. By the time we arrived back to the house I had convinced myself he would leave me. I headed for the house, preparing to hide away in self-pity, when I notice he's still followed me inside.

"Love, are you ok" he asks, pulling me into a hug.

"No, not really. I suppose you are wondering what all that was back there?" I sigh, gingerly looking up at him, my nerves are frayed and I'm scared any sudden movements will shatter the one good thing I have going.

"Come sit love, we can talk, or not. I know you have things in your past, and you lost ya Mum. That's all I need to know for now if it's getting too much." he pulls me to the couch, and onto his lap. I curl into his chest, acknowledging silently that this was the only place I wanted to be in this moment. "I'm not going anywhere love; you'll have to try harder than that to scare me off"

I chuckle slightly at that, my heart feeling like it couldn't swell any larger. Releasing the breath, I'd been holding onto, I pause a beat before moving forward with my plan. If I want us to work, he deserves to know.