Treading Water

17 - Ebbing Waters

Empty. I feel empty. I thought he was it for me. After all the heartache, everything I have been through he was the light at the end of the tunnel. He was my sunshine on the horizon. He was the oxygen I breathed after drowning in a sea of misery. I can't move on from this, I don't want too. He told me I was his, that we were made for each other. This had to mean something to him, so why am I left with a gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to be? Why do I feel like I'm suffocating all over again? Why?

I'd had to left Sam drives us back to my place. I'd zoned out completely from reality. I didn't see this coming, not from Arden. Everything had been incredible. Was this why he'd wanted me to arrange another ride home? Did he know all along that he was leaving? Why not tell me? I know it would have been hard, and would still hurt but at least I would know.

It's now been six days since I'd learned he was gone. That's seven lonely nights and eight long days since I was last in his arms, the strong, tattooed, safe arms that provided me comfort and warmth. What have I done in those days; you might ask? Nothing. I can't function without my heart, and he still has it. So here I am, curled up in bed wearing his shirt and boxers, refusing to wash them so I don't lose his smell. Refusing to leave my bedroom because dead people don't wander. I am dead. I am nothing without him.

I hadn't let go at first. Lived in a state of denial, but after calling him every hour for the first two days, I took the hint. I'd spent the next 24 hours crying nonstop. The tears have dried now, my body moving into a protective state, shielding me from my feelings. Sam and Abigail have attempted to cheer me up, but I refuse to accept their help. I'm not worthy of love, that's now been confirmed, so I want to distance myself from it. I have too, I have no heart left to love with.

I need to eat. Today I have decided to get out of bed. I may be heartless now, but my stomach needs to be fed. My nose works, so I need to shower. I need to run; all this sleep and I'm suddenly feeling energetic. I've got missed calls from Madam Sophie, wishing me a quick recovery from the flu. Clearly Sam's been covering for me. Maybe today will be a good day to go to the studio and see how it goes. Let's see if I can still portray a happy woman full of passion. Let's see how great an actress I can become.

I text Sam to let him know I'd like to go in, then jump through the shower. I'm going to force myself to start going through the motions. How do I feel though? Still empty.

-----

Being back in the studio feels strange, hollow, like it means nothing. I shake this feeling off, putting it down to the fact that for right now, nothing feels right. Casey is here, sneaking glances in my direction whenever he thinks I'm not looking. Sam's sticking by my side as much as possible, but it's only a matter of time before he will make a move again. I feel like he's a hunter, and I am his prey, he doesn't plan to stop till he has his trophy.

"You okay baby girl?" Sam sounds concerned, lingering at my side.

"Yeah, I'm good. Let's do this Sam, I need this" sadly saying the words doesn't help me feel them, but Sam doesn't need to be distracted by me, so I'm going to fake it till I make it.

"That's my girl" he exclaims, happy I am trying to get back into it. If only he knew huh.

We rehearsed many numbers that day, running through group performances, duet numbers and of course several of our solo's. Being a principle dancer here, I'm featured in a lot of the numbers, giving me optimum chances of being picked up by a company. I know I haven't shown a lot of commitment to Madam Sophie lately, and she really does deserve better than me. Maybe I need to really dig my toes in, give it one hundred percent.