Treading Water

30 - Desolate Horizons

The Funeral - Emerson's POV

Sitting inside the church, Conor's open casket standing pride of place in front of us, a beautiful array of peonies decorating the surrounding areas, there is no avoiding the somber mood that accompanies us today.  The room is filled, every man, woman and child wanting to pay their respects to such a wonderful man.

It's been five days since Conor's final moments, five long painful days.  I've lost count of the times I've cried, the number of times my tears have dried up, all while hiding my grief from Arden.  Why? Because Arden isn't coping.  My strong, beautiful and brave man is grieving so hard, he's lost himself in the process.  It's not that I don't understand because I do, I just wish I knew how to ease his pain, calm his storm.

Whatever it takes, I will be here.  I will give him the space he wants, but the shelter he deserves and the comfort he needs.  I will be anything and everything his heart desires to bring him back from this loss.

As I listen to the pastor reading some chosen scripture in their native tongue, I feel the tears rise up again, memories of the hours spent next to his hospital bed, learning the basics of Irish, failing at more than most attempts.  Sam, having traveled over to attend the funeral along with Abigail, reached over and gave my left hand a squeeze, offering a reassuring smile.  I'm so glad they came, just having them near gives me more strength to do the things that need to be done.

"Are you sure you want to do this, baby girl?" Sam whispered, a look of concern plastered on his face.

"Yes" was all I could muster.  There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to go through with this, however it didn't stop me from feeling nauseous.  I look up to the pastor who is now looking in my direction, giving me a gentle nod as indication he will be about to introduce.

I take Arden's hand in my own, lifting it to my lips for a gentle kiss.  He slowly looks my way, his eyes glassy and empty.  He looks curious and confused as I whisper that I love him, before standing and making my way towards to the pastor.

"Now family, friends, it is customary to have a musical number now, however this young lady approached me and has prepared a special musical number.  I will leave you in her hands for a time." He stepped away from the microphone and allowed me to further my introductions.

"Umm hi, I guess I should introduce myself properly as many of you won't know me.  My name is Emerson Roy, I have had the great honour of being a part of this amazing family thanks to my relationship with Arden, Conor's son.  I haven't had a great deal of time to get to know Conor, but lord knows he has etched his way onto my heart in the short time we had."  I pause to wipe the tears from my face, as I try to find the right words.

"I ahhhhh, I'm sorry.  This is harder than I had planned.  Conor, he had a way about him, it made you want to be open, honest.  It made you want to be true to yourself, to be stronger, to live life as you know you should.  He loved with reckless abandon, his true passion being his family.  A family he so openly welcomed me into when I have no family to call my own anymore.  The imprint he leaves behind on my life is immeasurable and it's one I will truly treasure."

The tears on my cheeks are now constant and I see Abi and Sam make a move to be by my side, but I signal them to stay put, dabbing the tears from my face.

"I'm not good with words, my choice of communication comes in an entirely different form.  This was something Conor knew about me from the moment we met.  His last last words of wisdom to me referenced this, so to honor him, I have prepared a performance.  Thank you to Siobhan for allowing me this privilege and also to the local choir who agreed to perform with me.  This one is for you Conor."